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Do you think I have a personality disorder
Former Member
Posts: 4 Newbie
Hi I'm Matt and i'm 17. I don't really know how to explain what i'm like simply aha. I had a hard ish high school (but who didn't), definitely wasn't as bad as others which does make me feel quite bad how i complain so much, anyway,
I think from high school as everyone was sly and never told the truth (like most teens) I have developed a tendency to constantly over think what people are truly thinking and always think people are lying, including those closest to me. Pair this with a low self esteem and not being able to accept compliments and a very negative outlook its not what I would call fun. Definitely not as bad as ive seen which also makes me feel bad when i got counselling for it a couple years back, felt someone with bigger issues could have that spot. These feelings had been not too bad for about a year or so, just about April this year, after a break up (that was mutual and that I wanted). But after trying to talk to new people online and IRL it reminded me how horrible and sly people can be (particularity with the other sex).
Things really came to a head when i did NCS (look it up if you haven't heard of it, was an amazing experience overall) when in the first week I was pushing myself to be confident around these new people and it worked for the first week, we had many tasks that took my mind off everything and somehow ended the week with a girlfriend from there (too fast i know but just sort of happened). Anyway in the second week things really hit me, I was constantly worrying what people were saying about me and felt i wasn't good enough around these people with such amazing talents that I just don't have. I'm told my talent is talking to people, i like to help when people are feeling low, well try my best anyways, "very mature for your age" my group leader said. Although I had all these lovely people around me, a amazing girlfriend and compliments all round i still couldn't get my self esteem up and had a bit of a break down in front of the leader. (who introduced me to this through NCS)
I explained to him how my head is like a constant battle, mainly between facts and worries, half trusting, half hating everything. It gets very difficult to concentrate on anything like college work when my head is this way. I struggle to talk to people even tho what I really want is attention.
Attention, I'd say is my biggest current problem, you see my new girlfriend is very independent, i,am not. I think this will be good for me as i need to be more independent however adjusting to it is very hard. I like constant attention as when I'm on my own my mind starts to over think and over analyse everything (even what im typing right now), she and my friends are busy people as everyone is and it leaves me wondering and creating scenarios in my head that are not true like shes not interested in me or this guy hates me and so on. I've spoken to friends and her about it and obviously they tell me why im wrong but it only temporarily helps, I assume theyre lying just to make me feel better and so on, ignoring facts.
Its becoming a issue for me as i dont want to hurt the others around me by getting upset or angry when its all my fault, talking about it helps but after im done talking to them about it I feel like crap because I feel i've wasted their time or made them upset or angry if i've said ive got a problem with something.
This isn't everything i've re typed this many times now aha
If im honest i just want the fighting in my head to stop, be more confident in who Iam, and let my self be happy. As i say people have way more major issues than me and most the time its just me being sillyy but what do anyone think? What do you think I can do to help myself so i can also help others?
Thanks for reading
I think from high school as everyone was sly and never told the truth (like most teens) I have developed a tendency to constantly over think what people are truly thinking and always think people are lying, including those closest to me. Pair this with a low self esteem and not being able to accept compliments and a very negative outlook its not what I would call fun. Definitely not as bad as ive seen which also makes me feel bad when i got counselling for it a couple years back, felt someone with bigger issues could have that spot. These feelings had been not too bad for about a year or so, just about April this year, after a break up (that was mutual and that I wanted). But after trying to talk to new people online and IRL it reminded me how horrible and sly people can be (particularity with the other sex).
Things really came to a head when i did NCS (look it up if you haven't heard of it, was an amazing experience overall) when in the first week I was pushing myself to be confident around these new people and it worked for the first week, we had many tasks that took my mind off everything and somehow ended the week with a girlfriend from there (too fast i know but just sort of happened). Anyway in the second week things really hit me, I was constantly worrying what people were saying about me and felt i wasn't good enough around these people with such amazing talents that I just don't have. I'm told my talent is talking to people, i like to help when people are feeling low, well try my best anyways, "very mature for your age" my group leader said. Although I had all these lovely people around me, a amazing girlfriend and compliments all round i still couldn't get my self esteem up and had a bit of a break down in front of the leader. (who introduced me to this through NCS)
I explained to him how my head is like a constant battle, mainly between facts and worries, half trusting, half hating everything. It gets very difficult to concentrate on anything like college work when my head is this way. I struggle to talk to people even tho what I really want is attention.
Attention, I'd say is my biggest current problem, you see my new girlfriend is very independent, i,am not. I think this will be good for me as i need to be more independent however adjusting to it is very hard. I like constant attention as when I'm on my own my mind starts to over think and over analyse everything (even what im typing right now), she and my friends are busy people as everyone is and it leaves me wondering and creating scenarios in my head that are not true like shes not interested in me or this guy hates me and so on. I've spoken to friends and her about it and obviously they tell me why im wrong but it only temporarily helps, I assume theyre lying just to make me feel better and so on, ignoring facts.
Its becoming a issue for me as i dont want to hurt the others around me by getting upset or angry when its all my fault, talking about it helps but after im done talking to them about it I feel like crap because I feel i've wasted their time or made them upset or angry if i've said ive got a problem with something.
This isn't everything i've re typed this many times now aha
If im honest i just want the fighting in my head to stop, be more confident in who Iam, and let my self be happy. As i say people have way more major issues than me and most the time its just me being sillyy but what do anyone think? What do you think I can do to help myself so i can also help others?
Thanks for reading
1
Comments
welcome to site.
Have you ever gone to your gp about how youre feeling? What sort of personality disorder do you think you have?
I dont think anyones issues are smaller than others and if its something that you feel is affecting you then you can still have that support. It is about how we are managing & feeling, not the situation.
It can be hard for us to give our opinions as everyone is different. I have a personality disorder, borderline. I feel i can relate to some of what youre saying with people thinking negativly of me ect. but even people with the same diagnosis can be affected so differntly & could be others things can be. so i dont wanna say much more on that as is defintly somethng should go see professional about if its something concerning you if havent.
I think going to a GP is a good idea, you could also talk to your girlfriend about how her independence makes you worry sometimes but its also something you admire and want to be. You could even tell her that you feel as if you are acting when talking to others as ask if she ever feels a similar way.
About your breakdown, it sounds like you really pushed yourself during the first week. Perhaps you tired your mind out and thats why the second week felt so hard. Its great that you are trying your best but remember that its okay to take breaks. We all get worn out over time and feeling stressed can lead to breaking down.
You haven't wasted anyones time, you are working hard to try and help others so its okay for you to find some help too. We all need a hand once in a while. Think of it as the good you have given to others is now being returned to you.
About being called mature, I get told this too but I draw comics and can list my favourite cereals in order or tastiness. In the end, maybe 'mature' is a word that people have different interpretations for. Perhaps you were called mature because they see you are trying hard and working to help those around you, its okay to be mature and still have breakdowns. Because maybe being able to breakdown and express how you are feeling is part of being mature. If you had continued to hide it from your group leader then you may have ended up under even more pressure and stress, which would lead to your work being effected. Being able to admit to people when you feel overwhelmed, thats very mature.
Im really glad you posted how you feel here, its was a very brave step forward in exploring how you feel. Well done. Also, you're not being silly perhaps right now everything that you have been thinking about has become confusing to overwhelming and so your mind wants to dismiss it by calling it silly and push those thoughts away. But its great that you came forward, as ignoring problems often leads to them getting worse.
Also you draw comics?? That;s awesome