I'm so scared...

Former Member

Hi I'm 19 just had my birthday. So I've been getting emotionally and physically abused by my father my whole life. 1 month ago under some difficult circumstances my mum agreed to leave my dad ( she was abused by him too but she sympathises with him). Now , he's been apologising to my mum (he always does this) and my mum has been letting him inside the house to get his stuff and whatnot. However, he always stays longer than needed and when he's here my mum pretends everything is normal.  I don't go downstairs and talk to him but I'm so so scared she's going to live with him again and let him back into my life. It terrifies me. No one truly understands how I feel inside. Everyone says I'm a horrible person for not talking to him. I'm not right? I'm not the one at fault here. In my whole life only a few days in the past couple of weeks have I had hope things could be okay and that I don't need to be constantly petrified. Even when he's downstairs I can barely cope. 
What do I do? How do I stop my mum going back to him. He doesn't think he's in the wrong. He blames me for everything. What if I'm just exaggerating and I'm the terrible person here for not letting him back into my life.
What do I do????

Former Member

Hey @Past User

I'm really sorry to hear about what you've been going through for so long, it sounds really difficult. You are absolutely not the horrible person in this situation!! It's not your fault and I'm sorry that you have been made to feel like it is. It is not healthy to live in fear and not right.

It sounds like your mum is scared, too, and there are many reasons why she might let him back in. I hope this article might help as it sounds like you are in a relatable situation, it also has lots of helpful links to further support at the end: https://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-relationships/family-life/my-mum-was-domestically-abused-28292.html

Have you sought help from any organisation/professional for the way this has made you feel? Let us know how you are getting on. Sending hugs.

- Lucy

Former Member

Any emotional or physical abuse is horrible to go though, have you thought about calling childline for more help? You could also talk to your mother about this, it sounds like your dad could be manipulating her, which is very common in abusive relationships. You could write your mum a letter or talk to her about how scared your dad makes you feel and that you don't want him to hurt you or your mum again. Try and stay calm and just find a way of telling your mum how you feel, she will then know to take your feelings into account too. 

Do you know when he is going to visit? Perhaps go to a friends house at that time, or keep your phone in your pocket so you can call the police if your dad ever tried to hurt you or your mum again. 

Let us know what happens and further  We are here for you

Invisible_me

HI.

THat's horrible to go through. Like said, I think it's worth calling Childline I know they can be helpful (I've heard)

How do you feel about speaking to your mum about how you feel about your dad, and your fear of her living again with your dad? She might understand? It's seems like your mum has some negative feelings supressed down as well, for her to decide not to live with them- undoubtedly this is hard for both of you. And I imagine there's feelings of confusement you are both feeling? You might find how you feel and your mum feel are quite common.

Your not in the wrong here! It's so understandable  you don't want to talk to him. WHy would you? You would feel scared, anyone would. having something to keep you a bit safe can help.

It's also worth trying to find something where you can release yourself and emotions. It's important you talk these feeling out.

Take care,

In_me

JustV

Just dropping in to say this sounds like an issue with family relationships, so I've moved this thread to Sex & Relationships.  

Welcome to the community, @Past User!

Former Member

Hi hope56,

I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been for you to experience what you’ve been through. It’s completely natural to feel apprehensive, and you’re definitely not doing anything wrong by not wanting to talk to your dad. As has been stated in the replies above, abuse is horrible, no matter what form, and not something to take lightly. It’s natural that it might have a lasting effect on the people involved, namely the victims, and, like Lucy has said, it’s not healthy or right to live in fear.

Have you contacted professional support or any organisations (e.g. Childline, as previously mentioned in another reply)? Personally, I think it’s really important that you get the support that you need and not undermine the situation or how it’s affecting you, rather than brush the issue under the rug. Of course, doing this in itself can be really difficult; it must be really scary and tough to admit a situation to others and get help (however, you’ve already done that here if anything, so well done!), but it’s still really important that it doesn’t get left unnoticed.

You’ve mentioned how you fear your mum might let your father back in, and I agree that I would be just as afraid if I were in your situation! It’s not unnormal to feel afraid and worry about the “what ifs”, especially given your circumstances. Have you talked to your mum about these fears? Even if there’s a very real possibility she may be considering this, there’s no guarantee that it is the case without it being explicitly said. It might help set your mind at ease just a little bit to deny or even confirm your worry, because these “hypothetical worries” (that have no actually guarantee to happen) might be more troubling to us than “real worries”, as we can feel some more control over the situation if we know exactly what is happening and how we could come up with solutions. It may be that your mum isn’t considering this at all!

With your dad still returning to collect his belongings, like others have said, it would be wise to keep your phone with you, so that you can call emergency services in the worst case scenario. Please stay safe.

-peachysoo