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I'm so scared...

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 2 Newbie
in Home, Law & Money
Hi I'm 19 just had my birthday. So I've been getting emotionally and physically abused by my father my whole life. 1 month ago under some difficult circumstances my mum agreed to leave my dad ( she was abused by him too but she sympathises with him). Now , he's been apologising to my mum (he always does this) and my mum has been letting him inside the house to get his stuff and whatnot. However, he always stays longer than needed and when he's here my mum pretends everything is normal.  I don't go downstairs and talk to him but I'm so so scared she's going to live with him again and let him back into my life. It terrifies me. No one truly understands how I feel inside. Everyone says I'm a horrible person for not talking to him. I'm not right? I'm not the one at fault here. In my whole life only a few days in the past couple of weeks have I had hope things could be okay and that I don't need to be constantly petrified. Even when he's downstairs I can barely cope. 
What do I do? How do I stop my mum going back to him. He doesn't think he's in the wrong. He blames me for everything. What if I'm just exaggerating and I'm the terrible person here for not letting him back into my life.
What do I do????

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Part of the furniture Posts: 11,722 An Original Mixlorian
    Hello Hope, 

    A warm welcome to TheMix message boards and also happy be-lated birthday, I'm sorry to hear how difficult things are at the moment  :'( - But I'm so proud of you for reaching out to us on here. You mentioned that you'd been abused by your father, did that ever get taken any further? Did social or anyone get involved, you shouldn't be going through this alone!

    I can imagine it would be strange leaving someone when you've been together so long, and normal might be the life with them, I know is sounds crazily messed up, sometimes its easier to pretend things are okay, that accept what has actually happened,but it might feel like your mums normal? Have you spoken to your mum about how you feel about him being round so much, and how it's effecting you? Or why she's letting him come over so much? 

    It might be worth talking to your mam and finding out wether or not she has plans to have him move back it? It might bring you reassurance and ease? I'm shocked people are saying it's horrible that you don't talk to your father though, even I think that's ridiculous. It's your choice who you choose to talk to and who you don't talk to. You're not a horrible person at all, and unless someone knows your full story, its not their place to judge neither. 

    I can't tell you what to do though I'm afraid, it sounds like a hella difficult situation, I do think you need to talk to someone, wether it be your mum, or maybe even a helpline, for example Supportline who offer free confidential online counselling, or you could try TheMix 1-2-1 chat who can offer you places that can offer you more direct support to what you're going through. 

    And I can't express enough that you are a brave, incrediable, strong invidividual and not a terrible person at all, and I'm so proud of you for coming on to these message boards and reaching out for support. Keep us update, 

    Best wishes, 
    Aurora 

  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Im so sorry youre going through this. Must feel horrible to have that atspomhere and to not feel safe:(

    Your mum is maybe just as confused or affraid as you and maybe been maninpluated and not sure how to leave?

    Youre defintly not a horrible person for not talking to him. You have justified reasons to and even if not-  you can talk to whoever you feel comfortable with. Youre not a fault in anyway here. 

     I do hope youre able to reach out for help when you feel the need to whether that be a helpline or finding somewhere to stay safe. Or maybe speak to someone outside of the situation, about this. 
    Let us know how youre doing if youd like. Hope youre okay 

    Take care
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Smol Bean Posts: 666 Incredible Poster
    Seems like you Dad might be acting a little manipulative towards your mother, its your choice if you want to talk to him or not, you are not a horrible person for staying in your room. Its okay to feel a bit afraid, especially if you have had bad experiences with him in the past. 

    Have you thought about telling your mother how you feel, you could explain that you don't want him to hurt her anymore and that you are worried things will go back to the way they were. 

    How about going downstairs next time he is there but keeping your phone close so that you can call childlike or even the police if you feel threatened or scared. You could even pack up some of his things so that when he comes he doesn't stay as long, probably best to ask your mum if this is okay first. 

    Its not your fault this is happening. Abusive relationships are unhealthy and hard to get out of, your mother might be finding it hard to let go as, even though you both were being abused, its very hard for people to leave abusive relationships, especially the ones that manipulate others or try to guilt others into forgiving their horrible actions. 

    The fact your mother has already left your dad is a good step forward, you both suffered because of him so explaining to her how you feel might be a good idea. 

    Let us know how everything is going 
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