Hi, my name is Daniel and I have Depression

Former Member

I really don’t know what good this would do but I thought maybe if I wrote things down it would ease the pain to be honest anything is worth a try, from growing up I’ve always struggled with depression and anxiety probably due to the fact I was raised by parents who didn’t want me and made sure I knew that while I was growing up, I faced abuse from my father due to never meeting the correct standards of what a son should be, I always craved attention and approval from my family even though all I got was another punch or long period of shouting reminding me of how little I meant to anyone really, except for my Nana the one place I called my safe haven, my life didn’t feel like it was worth it unless I was with her or near her I didn’t feel safe or loved and any small dispute we faced I felt like my world would crumble, I struggled with friends and could never seem to rely on anyone due to always no matter when finding a text or hearing a conversation which proved again that I was worthless and unwanted, when I started work it was like a break, no one knew who I was and it was a fresh start although it is a very bitchy Work place the opinions of my co-workers didn’t effect me until I started hearing comments on my sexuality which I’d ignored for most of my life anyways as it was normal and I believed being ‘gay’ was an insult and wrong I found a group of friends which helped realise I was in fact gay and one in particular who held my hand through it and is probably one of the 3 reasons I’m still here today, I was still living with my Nana at this point and my life was finally good some days but then this cloud of depression always seemed to be not far behind me, I’ve always joked and messed around craving any attention off anyone who would give it good or bad because it made me feel noticed, I slowly lost the trust of my best friend and found myself lonely again, I decided to try online dating sites to find someone who could love me for me but all I found was men who wanted sex etc and I went along with it a couple times meeting men and having sex with them because for the first time it felt like I was lived by someone other than my Nana and it was great till they left and cut all ties, it felt awful again not long after and I carried on doing it chasing for the feeling of longing and each time the pain grew so I stopped and promised to only seek for love if people I saw potential with, at the time I grew close to someone at work, someone who even though was gay meant more to me than a boyfriend could, like family. We planned to change or lives and move in together as friends and 1 year later we did, straight after he found someone to love and I was left alone again. I never saw him as a possible love interest yet I still felt pain as day by day he pushed me aside until one day I had a feeling he was off with me and I spoke to my friends and they said I’m over thinking it’s the anxiety but when I overheard my best friend tear into me so easily on the phone to his lover, exclaiming how I was a ‘slut’ and suggested that I could be forgotten about it things got serious with his boyfriend, that brings me to today. That phone call was about 2 hours ago and I’ve sat and cried in my bed back at square one with no-one I’ve often contemplated suicide but I’ve never saw it as a viable option till now. The lack of trust I feel to anyone scares me and I fear that there is no light at the end of the tunnel I’ve tried for years to be happy but now I seem to have hit a brick wall and I’m lost, I’ve been damaged since I was born and after 18 years I don’t see any sort of permanent fix.

[Deleted User]

Hello @Past User and welcome to The Mix. I hope you find the sort of support you’re looking for here, but when you feel ready, reach out for help on our boards.

The Mix has some excellent articles on mental health, and for understanding Depression. Here is an excellent write up.

https://www.themix.org.uk/mental-health/depression-mental-health/understanding-depression-5647.html

Best wishes,

Mandy

Former Member

Hey Daniel welcome to the mix

I second Floxys link to the articles those can be rather helpful. 

Have you sought any help or advice?

It may be helpful to talk to your GP about it they can refer you to someone who may be able to help. 

We're all here feel free to make any threads or join support chat if you wish to ramble x

Best wishes

Siena

Hey & welcome 

I hope you find it supportive here, maybe posting in the health and well-being section may help as may get more advice/support. 


But i hear how depressed you’re feeling . Also suffer with depression and it is horrible. Aswell as loneliness, though ironic how we are never alone with the feeling of loneliness, some what comforting. Are you getting any support for your depression? Everyone Needs attention though, even animals and think that’s what makes loneliness reallly hard & feeds more into those suicidal thoughts. But I hope we can help you to feel bit less alone if anything & wed listen to you. I’m sorry I don’t have much more advice on current situation though. But wish all the best & take care.