How to explain this is a reaction to a passed experience?

One-in-a-million

So its me again some of you may have seen that I want to support teenagers and young people about sexual bullying. This is due to my own experience.

I’ve had loads of support when I finely spoke out and this has helped me to work through and understand what went on. 

The only thing I cant seem to moved passed is anyone touching my waist. For example I was standing in the kitchen and my nan was trying get passed me so to try and get passed she touched my waist to move me to one side, This me jump and go stiff with a for a few second and take a gasp like when you don’t expect something. I don’t get flash backs with this but I think it’s linked with my experiance at school as that was the main area  they would grope me.

when this happens I normaly get the reaction of “What was that all about, I hardly touched you.” I normally reply with “I just don’t like being touched there.” 
They don’t seem to understand they do know about what happend although I don’t think they realised the effect it had on me as when I first told someone which was my nan her reaction was have they hurt you (raped you) which they hadn’t so she said “thats ok then.” My nan is usually very supportive so her reaction quite upset me. Which made me shut down again and made me not want to tell anyone (mainly the reason I want to raise awareness.)

I’m not sure how to deal with this (people touching my waist) as it’s just an involuntary reaction which I suppose is like the fight or flight reaction.

Any ideas guys?

thanks Emma

Former Member

Hey Emma,

The waist is a sensitive area and when anyone touches it the reaction is immediate. After all, there are plenty of organs in our abdomen that aren't protected as well as those under our ribs, so even someone who had not experienced the horrible things you went though might not want people touching them there. Its okay not to like it and it can be hard explaining it to others. But you are not alone.

One thing you could do is say you are ticklish there and don't like it, of course only do this if you feel okay with spinning the truth a little. Another thing you could try, if you are feeling up to it, is to find someone you trust and ask them to touch your waist in a safe environment. Perhaps even dance with them so that you can create a positive memory of someone holding your waist. Then next time someone touches you by accident you can try to think of the good memory rather than the bad ones. 

Perhaps your nan just didn't understand you and so her reaction was one of confusion rather than meaning to upset you, she probably just needs sometime to think it over. Plus, even if she doesn't understand, she will probably remember and try to avoid your waist from now on. 

I have a similar thing when people touch me, its like I can feel their hands for hours after and this makes me very uncomfortable. I try to brush the feeling away with my own hands, when no one is looking of course, sometimes this helps, other times not so much. I tend to wear clothes that mean people can't touch the areas where I am most sensitive, like my shoulders, I don't like short sleeves. Of corse this might not help you, but you could always try a long jacket so that you feel a little safer or more protected. There is nothing wrong with treating clothes like safety blankets, clothes protect us after all.   

 

Former Member

Hey Emma

First off I love the fact you are using your experience for good and trying to support young teens in schools, I'm also on childline and the amount of stories I hear and posts I reply to really break my heart I'm home educated so never knew that went on.

I was I would put under ever so slightly sexually assaulted?(that's probably a definite yes but I don't like to think or make people think I'm overreacting)

That left me with some issues I had to work over In regards to my current boyfriend and with time patience and trust I I sorted them and we're great now

I couldn't stand my sides to waist being touched not because of assault but because of my father who used to grab them and tickle me when I weren't looking.

I don't like any surprises no jumping out no balloons popping ect so that really got me, I went from anyone walking near and flinching to feeling more comfortable with just hard work remaining calm and most importantly letting it be known to my family they can't touch me there.

I've gotten better over time and now people and my partner can even hugs from behind now and I'm super proud of myself despite my reasoning being silly

The tensing up isn't involuntary but can. Even stopped with breathing exercises, and muscle relaxing exercises it sounds weird but I found it helpful to touch my sides and waist myself for a while?  More and more each day as i used to tense up even when I did it. As that felt normal I let people give me back hugs that I was aware of and moved on to more hugs that were a surprise and to side hugs where they literally wrap their arm around you. this was the hardest one but definitely helped when I went to drag world (famous people always go for the side hug lol)  

It just takes time so don't worry about it you'll get there and I'm sorry I couldn't much help x

One-in-a-million

Hi guys thanks for replying I’ve never thought about it being a sensitive area and that actually might play a big part in it  

I think it is something that will become easier and less of reaction. I actually remember a friend doing this not long after the bullying had stopped and that actually triggered the fight response where I panicked a lot and turned round and punched him. I didn’t do it on purpose and felt really guilty after luckily he was fine with it. So there has been a big improvement with that.

I think talking about sexual bullying is really important especially in this day and age where people say “we were only joking around.” I explained in a previous thread that I helped my friends sister who was struggling really bad with it and has now been able to speak out.

 I have actually just had a chat with my cousins who are in high school to which they have said that they feel more confident in talking to me about things like that and would speak out if they needed help. They also said that I’ve made them think about things at school where boys think it’s funny to look up girls skirts and just think it’s a joke and they both said “actually thats no ok” although this hasn’t happened to them. I’m glad I’ve been able to make them think about things.

 I think this shows quite well that some young people would benefit from learning about sexual bullying and realising it effects both boys and girls and it doesn’t matter who you are (boy or girl) or who you’re being bullied by (boy or girl) it’s never ok. But includes bullying because of someone’s gender and sexuality too. It’s quite a broad topic really