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Male, Female & Eyepatch.

EyepatchEyepatch Posts: 389 Rampant Poster
Every time I talk to someone I feel like the first thing I have to do is prove to them I can be taken seriously. I know I look young. (Im in my 20's and I still get asked if I'm over 16 for movies, or given child tickets on the bus (-_-)

Its so patronising.

Often someone will make a passing comment to me and I just respond with "Seriously?" 
Like when people say "When will you start a family?", "You should wear something more girly","Why don't you wear makeup?" or "You'd be pretty if you tired." Even "Design is not a real job", just because you don't know what I study doesn't mean its not real! 

I get it, I walk into a shop and the security guard will follow me around because I look like a teenager. Not joking this happened for months until I moved house. Plus, statistically in my area teenagers were less likely to shoplift than middle aged people, so he was only following me because of how I looked and his own stupid bias. I don't care about looking pretty, or if I rip my jeans or get scratches climbing trees. I hate it when I am told to act more like a girl. Don't call me "Honey", "sweetie" or "Doll." I will freaking pick up spiders with my hands and put them outside myself, don't assume anything because of my gender and I won't assume anything because of yours.

My family made fun of my brother because he asked me to help him open a jar. They laughed and said "You needed a girl to help you." Not only was he embarrassed, not only are they teaching him girls are helpless but I was furious! Why is it everything I do is linked back to which organs I happen to have been born with?! WTF does opening a jar have to do with being male or female? It's so stupid, and I wish I had the courage to tell them that, all I do is raise my eyebrows and say, "Seriously?" 

I wish I was born a boy. I already dress like one and, according to some stereotypical social agenda, act like one. I wear a binder because I hate having breasts, they feel like a joke someone stitched on to me for a laugh. No one has noticed, even if they had, my family won't take my feelings seriously. My mum thinks drag and trans are the same thing and is too stubborn to change her mind even when I explain the definitions and give her examples. Plus, anything I say is just brushed aside. She praises my brothers when they do well but when I tell her I got a really good grade she just says, "Oh, I'm pleased." Like, wow, can't even stretch to 'proud' huh. It doesn't help that I have a slight learning difficulty and as soon as anyone finds out they treat me like an idiot. My family might say something stupid along the lines of "Microwaves cause depression" if I correct them, even show them evidence, they won't believe me. I tried to explain the difference between venom and poison and they said "So is your new pet poisonous?" No. Obviously not and even if they were Im not going to eat them!! 

Its okay not to know things. I get it, we learn constantly throughout our lives and the fact we can do that is amazing. But the way people just ignore me because I look younger than I am, and Im a girl, and I wear hoodies, and whatever other bias' people may have. It's just insane. Sometimes I just put up with it, when I hear someone I know say "Dyslexic's can't read" I just grit my teeth and stay quiet. Even though I can read and the have obviously misunderstood what dyslexia is. I also feel a bit guilty sometimes, I'll do something I find simple and my friends will seem awkward or not respond and I know its because I've just done something they think is abnormal, or they don't understand it and feel bad because I just so happened to have read about it a few days before. I shouldn't feel guilty for what I look like or who I am. And who I am shouldn't make other people feel bad. I want my friends to feel confident in themselves, not stop talking to me because I happened to get a higher test score. (Yes this has happened. Multiple times.) 

I just want to wake up someone else, somewhere else. Not be laughed at for wearing a shirt and jacket to formal events, not be asked if I need help lifting heavy things. Not be told obvious stuff over and over because someone thinks I don't know anything, even when I'm saying, "Yes. I know." A family member explained the fuse box to me for ten minutes and I was just nodding because I have seen a fuse box, used a fuse box and know how a dang fuse box works. Again, if you haven't, thats fine! We learn though experience so if you've never had to fix a tripped circuit you shouldn't feel bad about it.

But I've fixed a plug, wired in lighting, get game high scores, I use a skateboard, used to play rugby, do martial arts, archery and wrote code to fix my PC, all perfectly normal things that I have learned through other people or experiences. Yet, because I am a girl people are surprised. I'm so sick of it I want to scream, or run away and never be seen again. I want society to change but its not going to get to the stage of equality I want it to be at in my life-time. So should I change? I could become male, but will changing even help?

 I want to be male. I want to change my name and look more masculine, to have a flat chest and not be told that I'm 'cute' or 'should wear more feminine things'. I'm going to my best friends wedding and she wants me to be the maid of honour and she's really excited about having everyone dress up. But I really, really don't want to wear a dress. 

But its her wedding, so I don't want to disappoint her or draw any attention by wearing a suit. The day should be all about her, not me, and I'm worried that even if I tell her how I feel and she's okay with it, I will still look out of place. I want to wear a suit and for it to be normal, as it would if I was a man. She's my best friend and I want her wedding to be special and the best day ever, not 'that day the maid of honour didn't want to wear a dress.' 

I could come out before the wedding but I'm still terrified of telling anyone, only three of my friends know, they both accept me but I have no idea how my family will respond. Ive tried bringing it up with my mum but she is very hard to talk too. Which can be frustrating. 

Should I just put up with it? Am I being too fussy? I just think, they wouldn't expect a male to wear a dress, so why should I have too?

Besides, I don't even know if I want to come out, some part of me just wants to hide it forever and put up with the consequences. I need a job Im moving out soon and don't have a stable income, my essay is due less than a month from now, everything is a mess. And no amount of First class or distinction grades will change that. Education is the only game I know how to play, And in one month that game ends. 

Well, this post has gone on long enough. Time to keep it in my drafts for weeks until I think someone might understand the way I am get judged everyday because of which chromosomes I ended up with. 

Going to bed, probably will not respond until morning. Thanks for reading, next time I rant I'll make it rhyme so its less boring. 
"Sometimes we find ourselves stuck between choosing what is right, and what is easy." 
TheAprilFool

Comments

  • LaineLaine Llama Mama Posts: 1,324 Fanatical Poster
    You know I really feel where you're coming from in both being treated younger and the gender issues. 

    For the first portion. 

    I'm always getting given child tickets on the bus,  in two months I will be the legal age to drink but I'm not surprised If even when I show them the ID they won't give the said alcohol because I apparently just look so 14 🤔

    I don't have much advice in way of things just that people's opinions don't really matter, you're a mature adult and that's all there is to it they don't need to believe you,  plus our buses are really expensive so I enjoy much cheaper travel 😂

    In ways of gender. 
    I'm happy to admit I went on really confused for months whether I was truly female or not. 
    I had a good bout of therapy (gender therapy from GIDS?)  
    Before I settled that transitioning wasn't me,  I don't want to be fully male I am a female but a female who doesn't give two hoots about sexed clothing,  what clothing she wears,  or how she looks, and who has a hormone imbalance, looks weren't great for me either I consider myself a rather below average ugly person and so I thought maybe if I did I would look better? 

    I came to meet many trans friends in this journey who are still on theirs. 

    In terms of the wedding my sister announced hers while I was really struggling and I know I just that wearing a dress would be terrible I was so dreading it. 

    I do wear dresses now but very alternative ones if it ain't skulls it's not going on me haha

    And the bridesmaid dress I had to wear was the ugliest dress I'd seen in that entire shop. 

    I had a meltdown during the fitting and the whole wedding I was super uncomfortable I just wanted it to be over so when afterparty time came I could throw on what I wanted. 

    While I'm happy now and my sister follows her promise not to show me the wedding photos with me in or tag me in them it would of been nicer if there was a dress I actually wanted to wear?

    I would definitely ask if there's any compromises she can make, whether you get a suit (doesn't have to be a men's suit that's one really nice female tuxedos) or letting you change straight after the wedding it's worth an ask because your comfort is important.

    In terms of hiding it have you thought about seeking support? From simple forums to putting in a referral for gender counselling that can get you support and even on hormones some day. 

    My brothers flat mate is on HRT now (MTF)  and she's the happiest she's ever been so it's worth a look. 

    Hiding it does seem easier but with that comes some pretty hard times. 

    Times have changed and whether you are trans or not you can still get a job and fulfilling career so don't let that stop you coming out. 

    I know my post likely wasn't helpful but I'm here if you ever need to talk more about it or just get support.

    I'll always reply back :) <3

    🌈Positive thoughts🌈 

    "Maybe it's not my weekend,  but it's gonna be my year" ~ All Time Low

    "No one else is dealing with your demons, meaning maybe defeating them could be the beginning of your meaning friend" ~ TOP

    "What's gonna be left of the world if you're not in it?" ~ Bastille
  • EyepatchEyepatch Posts: 389 Rampant Poster
    edited August 2018
    @The Mix Would you mind moving this to gender & sexuality please, when it was in my drafts the dropdown menu didn't show an option for me to change it.

    "Sometimes we find ourselves stuck between choosing what is right, and what is easy." 
  • EyepatchEyepatch Posts: 389 Rampant Poster
    Thank you Laine,

    I know my appearance shouldn't matter, but theres is something else making me think I should have been male. Like I'm just possessing this body until I find my real one. I tried being 'female' for so long, I wore shorts and grew my hair out all the way to my hips, I tried joining in with the groups of girls. But I just got tired of it, I never felt right and all of my friends would gossip and go out without me so it was clear they didn't think I fit in either. 

    So I cut my hair, and got a binder and I was alone but I felt closer to who it was I actually am. Then I moved in with my friends for a while and they didn't care if I was male or female, they called me by the name I want to have if I do change genders. 

    I spoke with an Amazing person who is going to change their body to fit who they know they are. I wish I knew, I wish I was as sure as they are. 

    There is no guarantee that anyone will treat me any different if I change my body, but I know that there is a huge chance I'll be happier, and then maybe I won't care how people treat me. I'll see if I can figure out a way to tell my friend, the one who is getting married. But I also have to tell my parents, I know my mum will make me a conversation topic to everyone in the neighbourhood but I don't live there anyway so I should stop thinking about it so much.

    "Sometimes we find ourselves stuck between choosing what is right, and what is easy." 
  • LaineLaine Llama Mama Posts: 1,324 Fanatical Poster
    I know an abundance of people transitioning,  fully transtioned, or who have just started, some family are supportive,  and some have lost some friends or family along the way. 

    The most important thing is doing what's right for you and while it may be hard you will feel great at the end and you won't care what people have to say.

    I would definitely put in a referral or go to your GP and talk about it if you're ready there on in you can Get the support and and help you need and deserve x

    🌈Positive thoughts🌈 

    "Maybe it's not my weekend,  but it's gonna be my year" ~ All Time Low

    "No one else is dealing with your demons, meaning maybe defeating them could be the beginning of your meaning friend" ~ TOP

    "What's gonna be left of the world if you're not in it?" ~ Bastille
  • RileyRiley Posts: 283 Super Moderator
    Hey Eyepatch just to say I've moved your thread to Gender & Sexuality as you asked, hopefully this will help you get a little more focused advice from other users. :)

    - Riley
    Eyepatch
  • EyepatchEyepatch Posts: 389 Rampant Poster
    I really want to tell my sister about how I feel, Ive thought about it for years and Im in the wrong body. I just don't know if changing will even make a difference. 
    "Sometimes we find ourselves stuck between choosing what is right, and what is easy." 
    Laine
  • LaineLaine Llama Mama Posts: 1,324 Fanatical Poster
    Hey eyepatch i know the struggle you're currently feeling and telling your sister may not make everything better but it will defo help in being honest about it.

    "Changing" can significantly help for most it helps them fit in and feel more confident and happy that the outside matches the inside.

    is there any support in your local area for LGBT individuals? it can help to talk about it with others.

    It may be early days at the moment but you can refer yourself or see a gp to get referred for gender counselling and discuss this further.

    it significantly helped me and doesn't force anything on you while being understanding they really help in exploring what may and may not be for you.

    Here if you need anything xo

    🌈Positive thoughts🌈 

    "Maybe it's not my weekend,  but it's gonna be my year" ~ All Time Low

    "No one else is dealing with your demons, meaning maybe defeating them could be the beginning of your meaning friend" ~ TOP

    "What's gonna be left of the world if you're not in it?" ~ Bastille
  • EyepatchEyepatch Posts: 389 Rampant Poster
    Thanks :) 

    I think I might post my sister a letter, as then she won't see it for a while and I can't chicken out from telling her (which is what happens whenever I try talking about it)  

    There are usually some LGBT groups, but as its summer, and they are held by uni students, they are not on right now. I think I will try talking to the GP about it, I know I've been pushing the idea back and  it would be nice to have the emotions in my head sorted out. 


    "Sometimes we find ourselves stuck between choosing what is right, and what is easy." 
  • LaineLaine Llama Mama Posts: 1,324 Fanatical Poster
    A letter is the same approach i took with my mam so i couldn't change my mind(still tried to take it out of her hands when she picked it up though haha)

    a GP should be able to refer you to some gender counselling which honestly sounds worse than it actually is.

    its best to go in with a list write down your thoughts feelings and how the dysphoria affects your daily life ect anything you can think of to give them an idea.

    Not sure if these will be helpful but worth a read: http://www.gendertrust.org.uk/gender-dysphoria/
    https://www.beaumontsociety.org.uk/transgender-support-organisations/

    🌈Positive thoughts🌈 

    "Maybe it's not my weekend,  but it's gonna be my year" ~ All Time Low

    "No one else is dealing with your demons, meaning maybe defeating them could be the beginning of your meaning friend" ~ TOP

    "What's gonna be left of the world if you're not in it?" ~ Bastille
  • EyepatchEyepatch Posts: 389 Rampant Poster
    Okay, I wrote out a postcard so I'll send it soon, I booked a doctors appointment so that I could ask them to find me some counselling, I know there is a clinic for gender issues an hour train ride away so hopefully I can have an appointment with them and then see what happens next. 

    I'll make a list :) I already introduce myself as my new name to people (The nickname version is non-binary) Thanks for those links, I found some good information there. :) I was a bit in two minds as I don't really want surgery 'down there' (sorry TMI) but it said not everyone does, so now I feel a bit better knowing I'm not going to be alone. 
    "Sometimes we find ourselves stuck between choosing what is right, and what is easy." 
  • LaineLaine Llama Mama Posts: 1,324 Fanatical Poster
    I'm glad you managed to get am appointment :)

    It is true that people go for different therapys and surgeries nobody is the same but everyone is valid, hormones and some surgery,  hormones no surgery,  or even nothing at all there's no right way to do it :)


    🌈Positive thoughts🌈 

    "Maybe it's not my weekend,  but it's gonna be my year" ~ All Time Low

    "No one else is dealing with your demons, meaning maybe defeating them could be the beginning of your meaning friend" ~ TOP

    "What's gonna be left of the world if you're not in it?" ~ Bastille
    Eyepatch
  • EyepatchEyepatch Posts: 389 Rampant Poster
    I told my best friend, who is getting married and she says I can be her best man or maid of honour she doesn't mind :)

    So Im really pleased that I managed to tell her how I feel and that she supports me, I'm going to try and tell people who I think will support me before trying to tell my parents.
    "Sometimes we find ourselves stuck between choosing what is right, and what is easy." 
    Laine
  • TheAprilFoolTheAprilFool Posts: 187 The Mix convert
    Hey.
    I get that. I've always felt of myself as being more masculine that I probably appear to other people. I spent years wishing I had been born a man, until I discovered non-binary identities and figured that my gender is actually probably pretty fluid. 

    I guess it just takes a while to figure things out sometimes, but things will get better. :)
  • EyepatchEyepatch Posts: 389 Rampant Poster
    Thanks :) 

    I've been trying to see myself as non-binary for a long time, but since talking anti anxiety meds its easier to focus my thoughts. (thats just me tho I don't think they do it that for everyone) Even if nothing comes out of it, right now I feel confident enough to explore this pathway for a little longer. But if I don't feel right there then I will know for sure I am non-bianry :) 

    Im really glad you are here to support me, I know I wouldn't have said anything if not for the help I've got here and from Star (trans friend & not real name) so thank you! And I'll be sure to let you know if anything changes or progresses :) 
    "Sometimes we find ourselves stuck between choosing what is right, and what is easy." 
  • EyepatchEyepatch Posts: 389 Rampant Poster
    So, I'm in the doctor's waiting room now going to ask them to refer me to a gender clinic place. Feeling kinda sick and very nervous... I'll let you know how it goes soon 😶
    "Sometimes we find ourselves stuck between choosing what is right, and what is easy." 
    Laine
  • LaineLaine Llama Mama Posts: 1,324 Fanatical Poster
    I know it's nerve racking eyepatch but we're here for you let us know how it goes :) 

    🌈Positive thoughts🌈 

    "Maybe it's not my weekend,  but it's gonna be my year" ~ All Time Low

    "No one else is dealing with your demons, meaning maybe defeating them could be the beginning of your meaning friend" ~ TOP

    "What's gonna be left of the world if you're not in it?" ~ Bastille
  • EyepatchEyepatch Posts: 389 Rampant Poster
    Thank you :)

    Okay, so I've been put on a long waiting list and will get a letter when they have time for me.
    The doctor was really nice and I didn't cry I just said everything and after I sent the postcard I wrote for my sister. Huge balloon in my mind has deflated a bit today. Feels good :) 
    "Sometimes we find ourselves stuck between choosing what is right, and what is easy." 
  • LaineLaine Llama Mama Posts: 1,324 Fanatical Poster
    That's great Eyepatch! The waiting list can be Long but it only Took about a year for me and I don't suppose it would be any longer than that. 

    In the meantime you can find new things and ways to express yourself and feel comfortable such as changing clothes,  hair,  wearing a binder, etc. 

    And do remember the mix is here to always help and so are various help lines, youth groups  and counselling places :)

    🌈Positive thoughts🌈 

    "Maybe it's not my weekend,  but it's gonna be my year" ~ All Time Low

    "No one else is dealing with your demons, meaning maybe defeating them could be the beginning of your meaning friend" ~ TOP

    "What's gonna be left of the world if you're not in it?" ~ Bastille
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