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Why do I hate myself?
Former Member
Posts: 1 Just got here
These feelings aren't new, they are just worse, a lot worse. I suffered from social anxiety (being deathly afraid to talk to people) for many many years. Now, I've kind of conquered that, which just leaves me shy and awkward.
I am going into my second year at university and for 7 months while I was at college i had an awesome guy to tell all my thoughts and feelings to. How i cried, for no reason, and this guy became the closest person to me since I was away at college and didn't have my family.
We have spent all but one week of the summer apart. He "cut me off" a few weeks ago claiming he just needed a break, but now I have anxiety and its really really bad. To the point where I cry all the time during the day, cant stop thinking about something once I start, I feel like my thoughts are in a tornado and theres no way to jump ship. Sometimes I can't breathe and my chest hurts, and my arms get numb and i feel like im going to vomit. Its never been this bad. And now, I don't have my ONE and best distraction, my guy. I don't know how to make it go away and I can't even enjoy the end of the summer because I'm really suffering. I feel like completely betrayed by him and in some ways like he just wanted me to use me for all those months like I was his puppet (which i think is my anxiety overthinking things)
and I can remember everything so what he said on the phone will just play over and over in my head and sometime I feel like I will never get these crippling thoughts to leave. It just really makes me hate myself. And no one is there to help because the only person in the world I want to tell doesn't want to talk to me anymore.
How do I deal with this anxiety without my distraction? Because I had anxiety before I met him at college, but it wasn't this bad or hard to deal with. I'm just so tired of my thoughts and brain, I feel like to the only way to get rid of it is to sleep, but its to the point where I would literally stay in bed all day if I could.
I am going into my second year at university and for 7 months while I was at college i had an awesome guy to tell all my thoughts and feelings to. How i cried, for no reason, and this guy became the closest person to me since I was away at college and didn't have my family.
We have spent all but one week of the summer apart. He "cut me off" a few weeks ago claiming he just needed a break, but now I have anxiety and its really really bad. To the point where I cry all the time during the day, cant stop thinking about something once I start, I feel like my thoughts are in a tornado and theres no way to jump ship. Sometimes I can't breathe and my chest hurts, and my arms get numb and i feel like im going to vomit. Its never been this bad. And now, I don't have my ONE and best distraction, my guy. I don't know how to make it go away and I can't even enjoy the end of the summer because I'm really suffering. I feel like completely betrayed by him and in some ways like he just wanted me to use me for all those months like I was his puppet (which i think is my anxiety overthinking things)
and I can remember everything so what he said on the phone will just play over and over in my head and sometime I feel like I will never get these crippling thoughts to leave. It just really makes me hate myself. And no one is there to help because the only person in the world I want to tell doesn't want to talk to me anymore.
How do I deal with this anxiety without my distraction? Because I had anxiety before I met him at college, but it wasn't this bad or hard to deal with. I'm just so tired of my thoughts and brain, I feel like to the only way to get rid of it is to sleep, but its to the point where I would literally stay in bed all day if I could.
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Comments
You mentioned that you conquered a lot of your social anxiety, this is fantastic, well done. It doesn't matter that you still feel shy and awkward, what matters is how much progress you have made so far, thats something to be proud of even if right now you don't feel great.
Seems like you are experiancing an awful heartbreak right now that is causing panic attacks. This is a normal reaction for someone with anxiety, even if it feels terrible you are going to be okay. From your post it sounds like you relied on this guy for support a lot, do you think this might have caused him any stress? Perhaps that could be why he asked for a break, would you be able to send him a message and ask, it could help to clear the air between you two if he explained the reason for the break. Try to write out your message calmly and re-read it so that you both know exactly how the other feels right now.
Imagine this guy was a crutch for your anxiety, whilst with him you have grown stronger and able to do things you might not have been able to do before. During that time you grew bolder and braver, but suddenly the crutch was moved and you fell over. But that doesn't mean that all the things you did together were meaningless, you have become stronger by leaning on the crutch and now it might be time to try taking a few steps by yourself. Just a few little steps to see how it feels, even if all that means is making sure you leave the house once a day. Take it just a little bit at a time.
You are not alone, we are here to help and listen to you. A sudden break up can often leave a person feeling used but take the time to remember everything good that you got from this relationship, even if its over you have still had a lot of good times and learned things about yourself from the talks you had with him. Can you try and find a new distraction for now? Perhaps pick up a new hobby or try learning something new from youtube tutorial. An odd suggestion but if you are feeling up for it you could even try Pokemon go as it has encouraged many people to talk walks outside.