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Please help, what do I do?

mmspt0247mmspt0247 Posts: 1 Just got here
edited July 2018 in Sex & Relationships
This is a little hard to say but I needed to get this off of my chest and see if anyone knows what I can do that may help! Sorry it is quite long! 

Basically i have had a boyfriend for nearly a year and one month. But about a month or so ago he stayed round my house when no one else was home for a couple of nights. On the first day and night everything was okay and was normal. However the following morning an hour or so after we woke up he wanted to have sex. We have had sex before but I have never felt pressured to do so. He kept asking me over and over again if we could ‘do it’, which I really didn’t want to nor was I in the mood to do so. 

After 10 minutes or so of him repeatedly asking me if we could do it I finally said ‘fine’, as I knew it would of been the only way to make him stop, else I didn’t know how long he would go on for. I knew that I really didn’t want to but I thought I might as well to make him stop going on about it. I know that I agreed to have sex with him but as we were doing it I realised I didn’t want to carry on. 

So so I asked him to stop, but he didn’t. I started to get a little panicked, so I told him again to stop, but he still carried on. So I managed to get him off of me and I remember running to the toilet and just crying for ages as I just felt so dirty and used. Once I stopped crying I ran downstairs past my bedroom where we were and sat down in the kitchen for a while, wondering what just happened or if I’d overreacted or misjudged the situation. I had my phone with me and I texted him telling him to leave, but he wouldn’t go. I didn’t tell him why I wanted to go or why I was upset I just told him to leave. He came downstairs and told me that he wasn’t going to leave as he didn’t want to and didn’t want to leave me upset as he thought I was just a bit down. 

I ran back upstairs to my bedroom, got on to the bed and curled up into a ball and just balled my eyes out. He came up and was trying to comfort me, but whenever he would put his hand in mine or stroke my hair I just pulled away, as I didn’t want him to touch me at all. I remember thinking how could anyone who truly loved me do this to me. About an hour or so I finally stopped crying and just told him that I felt a bit down because I couldn’t bring my self to tell him why I was actually upset. so I acted like normal and he went home the following day. 

2 or 3 weeks after the incident I finally managed to pluck up the courage to tell him why I was so upset and what happened. When I told him why I was upset and what e did to me he started to cry and tell me he was sorry and that he didn’t mean to or know. I felt so bad as I didn’t know if I was just overreactting about the whole situation and told him something that has just made him so depressed over nothing. 

It it was hard for a couple of days after that and I hadn’t told anyone about what had happened apart from my boyfriend. I was having a really rough day so I told a really close friend of mine who obviously said the right thing to do is to dump him and report him as what he did was ‘rape’. But I really didn’t know what to do as I don’t have any friends apart from the one friend I told, who I rarely meet and sometimes speak to. It’s hard because my boyfriend is like my best friend as well and I only speak to him most days as well as ring for him every night. That’s why I don’t want to do anything as if I loose him I will have no one and no support as he has slowed me with serveral things in the past. But I do know that our relationship is toxic as he did do some nasty things to me in the past, as well as this incident which was the first sexual one. 

When I told my friend about what had happened I texted my boyfriend saying that if he heard me say stop. He replied saying that he couldn’t remember and doesn’t know whether he heard me or not. So at the minute I’m really not sure what to do, because I know what he did was so wrong but if he really didn’t hear me say stop is it okay? Also if I loose him I will have no one else, and I know that I will be so lonely and so isolated as I meet up with him nearly every week or so, and without that I know I wouldn’t really go out as I have anxiety and depression. I just need some help or advice on what to do as it is a tricky situation. 

Thank you! 
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    EyepatchEyepatch Posts: 666 Incredible Poster
    Hello,

    You are going through a tough situation right now, many things in your post remind me of a relationship I had a few years ago. The acts your boyfriend has committed are signs of an abusive relationship. Abusive relationships don't always mean physical violence but are things like manipulation and guilt tripping.

    It is hard, but you should consider leaving this boy. If he can't respect you enough to take no for an answer and touches you with out consent, even if it's just your hair or in a non-sexual way, he should be more considerate of your boundarys. Even if he didn't hear you say stop he should have noticed something was wrong and shouldnt have kept asking for sex after you said no the first time.

    We are here to support you through this, so you won't be alone. Please don't feel like you need this boy, if he is making you feel that you can't cope without him then this could be another sign of an abusive relationship. 

    Please do look for signs that your relationship is abusive, you may find that if you leave him you will feel better, as no one will be convincing you to do things you don't want to do. 

    Take care of yourself 
    "Sometimes we find ourselves stuck between choosing what is right, and what is easy." 
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    Lucy307Lucy307 Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    Hi @mmspt0247

    I'm really sorry to hear about this happening to you, sounds like a really tough situation you're in as you clearly care about him and don't want to hurt him but it sounds like he has hurt you  :/

    First of all about the situation at your house, I hope this article might be useful http://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-relationships/single-life-and-dating/sexual-consent-15356.html to reassure you about what consent is. Whether he heard you say stop or not, it sounds like you did not give your consent. Please do not blame yourself for what happened or for causing him upset by telling him. If you hadn't told him, he would have thought that was normal behaviour.

    About the loneliness without him, I totally get that as I've been in a similar position myself. We do tend to make more effort with others when we are out of a relationship, especially when it sounds as full on as yours, so it may be that you feel you have more friends if you are out of the relationship. Do you think you might be able to talk to a family member about what has happened, or just talk to them about feeling lonely? I know it's really difficult to leave people who have supported you in the past but although he has supported you, it sounds like there are now negative aspects to your relationship that outweigh that. Please try and look after yourself <3

    Always here if you want to chat, sending hugs.

    - Lucy
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
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    independent_independent_ Community Champion Posts: 8,667 Legendary Poster
    Hiya,

    I’m sorry to hear about your situation. This isn’t a situation I’ve been in but *hugs*!

    First off, you are not overreacting. You didn’t want to have sex, you said no (and only said yes after your boyfriend kept going on about it - so technically pressuring you) and you told him to stop. None of that is consent. And sex without consent is rape.

    I know how you feel re the loneliness - my BF is like my best friend as well. But, if the relationship is toxic (and now he is pressuring you to do things you don’t consent to) it is for the best that you leave him, for your own safety, physical and emotional wellbeing.

    It is totally up to you whether you report what happened, but if you feel able to do so that’s great. 

    I hope you’re okay :)
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
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    cal192cal192 Posts: 17 Settling in
    My ex bf did this to me. I told a nurse and she said it's abuse, rape and control. If you go on with a relationship with this person he may get worse. Even if he doesn't get worse, it is still disgusting what he did to you. You should get away. That's not love. 
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