Young Carers of The Mix, we need you! Tell us about your experiences of our services and give yourself a chance to win £50 of Amazon vouchers.
Want to tell us about your experiences using The Mix and be in with a chance of winning a £200 Amazon Voucher? Click here to go to our survey!

Just for a day

AbigailAbigail Carer/musicianPosts: 653 Extreme Poster
It's 1am, all I can think about is self-harming. I haven't thought bout this a long time, the one day when you expect to be happy and not at all depressed is the one day you are. I wanted to make happy and good memories this year on this day. I doubt what will happen. 

Just for a day with anxiety, autism, being asexual, being a carer and having dyslexia could just go away! Even if it comes back with evenengence I don't care I just want 1 day. It's been years since I felt normal and not a carer.

Just 1 day is all I ask!!!
Some people think i am unhappy. I'm not. I just approach silence in the world that never stops talking

Comments

  • EyepatchEyepatch Posts: 389 Rampant Poster
    Hello, 

    Just checking, are you safe right now? Please find a place where you are safe and there aren't any items close by that could hurt you.

    :O I have Anxiety and Dyslexia too, it can be very hard not to let them rule you. Try to think of it this way, you have anxiety and dyslexia, but thats not who you are. 

    What happened to make you feel like this? And is there a way you can have a day just for yourself, relaxing and doing things that you enjoy? 

    I hope you are able to get through this without hurting yourself. Even if its very, perhaps there is something relaxing you can do now? 

    Let us know how you are doing, 
    :) 

    "Sometimes we find ourselves stuck between choosing what is right, and what is easy." 
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 0 Noob
    I empathise with you so much, Abi. In some areas, far deeper. My heart goes out to you, but you are not alone. Yesterday I found th is article  'I was a child carer - it made me who I am today'   in BBC News. I hope you will find parts of it helpful.


    Having a day free for yourself may not happen because anxieties are always around but we can switch our concentration onto different things throughout our day. I do this because it's been done before and will be done today, doing something to take my troubled mind off the present. It's a great form ofself-defence. And using relaxion techniques really do help. Even carers need to chill out, because they like you need to regenerate their strengths.

    Speaking candidly with you, having been a self-injurer, I don't think the tempation or craving to do it is something that can be avoided, but being loyal to the ones who love me, loyalty and love is about not giving into it. This means that I need to motivate myself and strive to keep doing it. Example, to set up creating a reward system. So, don't forget to reward yourself and set up small gifts for yourself for overcoming the craving, the temptation. Me? I grab a small snack, or snag a banana or call a friend. Then go outside to work on a project or do something else that's fun. Or say to myself  "I'm going to walk Jack down the bay and back." and pocket some doggy treats for him.

    In other words, the motion of walking away and the action of putting your mind on something different will significantly decrease that temptation. I also believe that as time progresses, the temptation decreases. I've been s-i free since 15 February this year. I've had a friend to help me through the hardest times. And my carer.

    Abi, I believe in you, too.  I believe you can overcome the cravings to -i by thinking on something else, or calling a friend. It's tough, and harder still at 1 am in the morning. Instead I'll play another round of Solitaire, another 10 rounds to beat my best. I really feel you angst though. You remain in my prayers at night. You've been on a list I've had for weeks.

    Neither do I hide my scars anymore, but let people see them, like when I wear my swimsuit or have a change of clothes. The scars on my body are my badges of honour, and the honour? The honour is those old scars are proof that I have not given into temptation. Or the craving. I neeed to keep reminding myself:  this craving does not define me.

    This craving is not something that I have to pay attention to, or cast aside my other feelings for. Instead, I let the craving be there and move on with my day without giving in. My carer checks me everyday. And sometimes nights, too. To be a carer is a calling. So just who is my carer? It's Sophie.


    I hope this weekend will find a big blessing for you. :)

    Mandy
    I'm driven by self doubt.
  • AbigailAbigail Carer/musician Posts: 653 Extreme Poster
    @Eyepatch Thanks for the message it helped a bit this morning. I was safe in the end and the reason behind it build up of stress and change in plans last minute (Autism)

    @Floxy On bit of information i missed on my orginial post is i am Anorexic as well and i believe in if i don't have those 3 meals that day then a reward is not due. I will take a look at that link. My day (Saturday) Was how to put it work would of been a lot better than what happened today even though its meant to be a celebration day. Honouring your scars and embrace them? The idea of Self-harming is to relieve stress and pressure from yourself and inflict it on yourself and keep them to yourself - That might just be me but most people i know prefer to keep them to themself. 

    Overall add all the labels i have (Anorexic, i am asexual, anxiety, being a carer and dyslexia) equals to 5 labels. At 17 i don't think someone should have that many labels especial not have them all coursing issues on your 17th Bday. Asexual - boyfriend blocked me because we broke up as i faked having feeling for him, Anorexia - only eat 1 meal today, Anxiety - Leaving the house and travelling, dyslexia - reading peoples messages and being a carer no break from that. So not at all simple am I?

    Speak soon

    Abi
    Some people think i am unhappy. I'm not. I just approach silence in the world that never stops talking
    willow_summersky
  • EyepatchEyepatch Posts: 389 Rampant Poster
    Hey Abigail, Im glad you are safe.

    As for labels, they exist to help others understand you as well as to help you describe yourself to others. But they don't define who you are, they are'nt you, they just exist to help you explain yourself.
    I have dyslexia too and when I tell people they get all sorts of wrong ideas, its very annoying at times. So I think of it this way, I am not 'Dyslexic', its not who I am. I am just a person who happens to have Dyslexia. I didn't choose it so I should'nt let it define me. Sometimes it does and things can be hard, but I don't want to be labelled, remembered or thought about by a part of me I didn't get a choice in.

     Its the same as how I feel about gender or sexuality, I didn't choose those things, I discovered them. So I get to decide if I am defined by them or not. You are You. I hope that makes sense, its a difficult feeling to put into words. The choices you make are who you are, not the things you didn't get to choose, nor the words other people use to describe you. I understand if you disagree, everyone has different ideas when it comes to using labels.

    You are able to get though this difficult part of your life, its great you reached out when you did rather than hurting yourself. Please remember you can reach out again whenever you find yourself in a bad state :) 


    "Sometimes we find ourselves stuck between choosing what is right, and what is easy." 
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 0 Noob
    Abigail said:

    @Floxy On bit of information i missed on my orginial post is i am Anorexic as well and i believe in if i don't have those 3 meals that day then a reward is not due. I will take a look at that link. My day (Saturday) Was how to put it work would of been a lot better than what happened today even though its meant to be a celebration day. Honouring your scars and embrace them? The idea of Self-harming is to relieve stress and pressure from yourself and inflict it on yourself and keep them to yourself - That might just be me but most people i know prefer to keep them to themself. 

    Overall add all the labels i have (Anorexic, i am asexual, anxiety, being a carer and dyslexia) equals to 5 labels. At 17 i don't think someone should have that many labels especial not have them all coursing issues on your 17th Bday. Asexual - boyfriend blocked me because we broke up as i faked having feeling for him, Anorexia - only eat 1 meal today, Anxiety - Leaving the house and travelling, dyslexia - reading peoples messages and being a carer no break from that. So not at all simple am I?

    Speak soon

    Abi
    Belated happy 17th birthday! I saw your unicorn cake and it looked fab! =)

    I'm sorry you suffer anorexia, but understand why the reward system would not work. (Though a sorbet is rather nice, must say very refreshing during our unbearably hot days!)

    At one time I used to hide my scars because (1) self-injury is a highly private thing as we all know and (2)  I hated the stares. The disgust strangers would give me when out.

    Trigger Warning hidden in spoiler
    And yeah, I well remember the feel good endorphins coming from si that relieved the stress and compulsion I was going through, like all of us self-injurers we had our reasons for self-infliction and later down came the shit of guilt and remorse for doing it. And I kept it private.

    But I won out of si. Because I wanted to stop. Stop before the si got out of control. I received of lot of help from those in my family who not only knew, but none of them flinched on seeing the scars. Not even Sophie. Neither did she in any way made me feel bad. I got a lot of love and support and still getting it for her and Ines also. So now I see the scars from what was a rough time in my life and overcame hiding them from people. Because I am proud of the every day achievement of being si free.

    Ok your boyfriend blocked you because you faked your feelings for him. But don't feel bad about it because faking our feelings happens only because we have fears. Only because we are human. And yeah, we make mistakes but so what? We eventually face up to having fear and working on it. Your boyfriend may not have been the right one for you anyway. Just don't gets the guilts about it. There is someone out there for you, but not yet. Give yourself time. When the time is right, maybe years on you'll meet someone and they will love you for being you. 

    So what you have many labels? I've still got a few. But I'm not letting them get me down, even when it's late like now I switch off into doing something. Like learning creative writing. Anything to get my mind off what is trying to grind me down.

    I think your being a carer is one terrific gift, and yeah, giving all the time and helping the one who is needing is bound to drag you down. But you didn't shy away from wanting to become a carer. You did it for a reason and the one you look after, even if they appear not to appreciate it, you are there to help bear their cross. And there is honour in that.

    Thank you for replying to me, but I'm sorry if I haven't explained myself good enough.

    Mandy

    I'm driven by self doubt.
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 5,748 The Mix Elder
    edited July 2018
    Hey Abi. Sorry youre struggling:(

    but i notice you give yourself these labels- many have their own struggles and diffculties and i dont mean to minimise how youre feeling - i cant imagine how hard must be -just to reassume you youre not alone. And that once we only see them as these massive problems- than it is made more hard to deal with.  And you add asexuality with it?. But why is that a problem? Idk much about it. But It is just who you are and it might make other people confused or not understand and make relationships more diffcult but that is not your sexal orintation faults. Youll find someone who can be understanding and supportive to it. 

    Maybe there wont be a day where you wont struggle with these things. Im sure anyone will jump at the oportunity for a day with no struggle. But im sure there will be a day where youre in a happier place and learning how to manage your life along these things
    I've learnt two people can look at the exact same thing and see something completly different. 
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,100 The Mix Elder
    Hey Abi,

    I just wanted to check in to see how you are doing today :heart:

    I don't really have anything to add to what has already been said, but know we are always here for you. 

    Your not alone and we are here if you want to talk about things, sending hugs!!

    :heart:
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
  • AbigailAbigail Carer/musician Posts: 653 Extreme Poster
    edited July 2018
    @Eyepatch @Floxy ;@*BananaMonkey* ;

    Hey, Thank you to each of you. I am not 100% but I am better than I was. I am quickly typing this as i am hurrying out of the door in the next 5 minutes to meet a friend. I just want to say a big thank you you have helped me recover a lot quicker than i did this time last year. 

    Just for @shaunie as I was in a big hurry. Your comment was amazing and really helpful. 
    Some people think i am unhappy. I'm not. I just approach silence in the world that never stops talking
    Eyepatch
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 5,748 The Mix Elder
    edited July 2018
    Abigail said:
    @Eyepatch @Floxy ;@*BananaMonkey* ;

    Hey, Thank you to each of you. I am not 100% but I am better than I was. I am quickly typing this as i am hurrying out of the door in the next 5 minutes to meet a friend. I just want to say a big thank you you have helped me recover a lot quicker than i did this time last year. 
    Sorry my comment wasnt helpful Abi... didnt mean to offend or anything like that  


    Edit,; after seeing your edit ;

    Abigail said

    Just for @shaunie as I was in a big hurry. Your comment was amazing and really helpful. 

    Sorry. Im such a parniod mess:/. Really glad we could help!  Keep letting us know how youre getting on if you want. We genuinely  care <3

    I've learnt two people can look at the exact same thing and see something completly different. 
Sign In or Register to comment.