Hi, I guess

WhatADoe2013WhatADoe2013 AroundPosts: 3 Noob
edited June 2018 in Health & Wellbeing
Hello,
I guess a suitable alies is Jack Doe.
In which case-
Sup I'm Jack and I think I am mentally unstable.
"That's a very sudden thought Jack," I hear you think " do you have any official diagnostics of any mental health issues?"
No, I don't but if you allow me to explain why I am sure of my instability I think you will agree I am not the most stable. 

I guess a trigger warning might be required as I probably will go into a fair bit of detail regarding my situation.

So I am a teen who has an on paper perfect life, good parents (almost), large house, big family. There have been no financial issues that have plagued my life. I think this might be my first issue.
Firstly my parents - both are still together and all but everything I have and utterly dispise about my self, are all hereditary. Some examples in my experiences I have a high tendency towards addiction, violence, lies and deciet, and an ego bigger than is safe, my mother smokes, lies, and hates me almost completely, my father has eyes only for my mother, and my uncles (mother's side) drink, smoke and fight like there is no tomorrow. One brother of mine is the James morriarty of manipulation, consistently puppy eyeing everything and one, he is adored completely by my mum. The other is adored just as much and seems caring and overly emotional, he is instead as dishonest as they get. Both refuse to believe that they would survive without me and yet they do day after day.

So as mentioned I have a few issues which I blame on my family, firstly addiction. If someone was to plot my life out they would end up with the stereotypical diagram of addiction with above being highs and under being the lows, my life no matter what I do seems to consistently angle downwarss, of course I try to stop this by doing things that give me any sort of exitememt (my poison of choice is adrenaline) regularly doing things that put my life on the line. Standing on building leaning of the edge, tacking any pill I can to attempt to block out the lows, and finally one of my worst habits harming myself. Obviously not good.

I also mentioned a precedent for lies and deception, ask anyone who knew me in person and they would tell how I should never be trusted, few people allow me to shake their hands for fear that I might steal their watch( I would never) and the 2nd most common phrase I have heard is "[Jack Doe] you are a liar and a thief" (the first most common is "shut the f*ck up, you stupid sh*t"). But I it's mia culpa in this sinario (constant discussion about not trusting anyone seems to do that)

The their price was violence. I don't mean this in regards to people or animals, but to property and intimidation, I regularly scowl at people whom go against me (within my school grade/year I am known for bicep size) to which they apologize profusely, my anger is even to me inexcusable, I tend to threaten anyone with words like "if you do that again I will make sure when your arm is amputated, it won't hurt, you will be to bussy screaming after the other Brocken limbs." I am not sure where I got the idea to threaten people and it is one of my biggest hates about my self.

Ahh but my complaining continues, when I was about 6 or 7 I am fairly sure I was abused by one of my friends. I went over to his house with my mum and played with him, he then ,while saying I looked like anikan skywalker, pulled me by the hair soaked my head against his metal bed and shoved me behind it, this as far as I know when on for over an hour. Latter in life when I was closer to age 12 I was reading a book when my mum had a friend of hers over. My mother then yelled clearly intending for me to hear about how much of an idiot I am and that my brother (who is 3 years younger than me) was decades ahead of me, when I stormed off (justerfiably in my opinion) she didn't check to see if I was ok but waited untill her friend had left and then some hours before she came in (she then talked about how much of a baby I was and that I should toughen up)

So because of this I have had a few copping mechanisms and they unfortunately include : self harm, an inability to trust anyone, I have not cried in front of anyone for years, I have contained as many of my emotions ask could, I have become reckless with my life, and violent with possessions.

But that was before this year.
Since things have gotten monumentally worse. I have spiraled I think uncontrollably and have almost killed myself about 3 times (I am very thankful my family doesn't have any guns but am also mildly disappointed) each time no one noticed and I had to do pull ups with the nooss trying to remove it. Not only has that happened in purposeful disregard but fight club esqu disregard for my safety. I have done so many things that I no longer care about being injured a d instead seek out the pain instead. Trying to pick fights (but being unsuccessful) with anyone I could.

I have my life and almost everyone in it. So I have decided that when I finished highschool I will leave and never, ever, ever return. Start a new life with or without money just away for the god forsaken place I live in.

If you don't understand how much I want to leave let me put it like this. I love books "it was books that made me feel that perhaps I was not completely alone, they could be honest with me and I with them.they stoped me from taking my own life, when I thought I could never love- never be loved - by anyone." And so I have amassed a moderately sized library but I would give them all away in a heartbeat if it ment never seeing this place or people again.

So with all that in mind I am wondering why I shouldn't try harder nextime, what reason do I have to live when everythkn I love has Brocken me

TL;DR i am a shit person who blames his parents and is considered a total dick by everyone, why should I not die sooner rather than Latter.

Yeah this is long and emotional but I think I really need help and I really am trying to reach out. Even if I can just make a friend on this site it will likely help.

Thank you so much,
Jack Doe
Mama_U660

Comments

  • WhatADoe2013WhatADoe2013 AroundPosts: 3 Noob
    After reading this back it seems overly pathetic
  • LaineLaine Horse hugger Posts: 1,248 Fanatical Poster
    Hiya WhatADoe!  :)

    I would firstly like to say welcome to the mix! 
    Sorry to hear you're not doing too great. 

    I would firstly like to say that some of what you have mentioned may go against house rules specifically with how in depth you went in regards to self harm. 

    I can see you have a lot of struggles regarding your family and addiction, I'm real sorry to hear this and I hope you find the support you're looking for. 

    If you have any questions as to using the site nip over to the help desk and make a post. 

    There are also regular chats running every week,  the two tonight are support chat to talk about anything troubling you and get some advice and general chat to talk about general topics like music,  video games ect and make friends.  

    They run from 8 pm to 09:30 pm so feel free to jump in if you feel like it :)

    A very big welcome and anything you wish to discuss just make a post and people will be happy to help x

    🌈Positive thoughts🌈 

    "I will make you believe you are lovely!" ~ TOP

    "No one else is dealing with your demons, meaning maybe defeating them could be the beginning of your meaning friend" ~ TOP

    "What's gonna be left of the world if you're not in it?" ~ Bastille
    [Deleted User]
  • MikeMike Posts: 1,496 Moderator
    edited June 2018
    Hey Doe,

    Firstly, welcome to the community! Glad you found us and it's awesome to see you already posting.

    Building on what @Laine said, I've edited out the part of your post describing how and where you self-harm. To make sure we avoid triggering unpleasant thoughts for others on the community, we ask people to steer away from physical descriptions. :) Given the depth and nature of this thread, I've also moved it over to Health & Wellbeing.

    Reading your post, something that stands out to me is you're quite hard on yourself. The experiences you're describing - the abuse from your friend, difficult relationships with your family, suicide attempts - diagnosis or no diagnosis, label or no label, they're experiences that will have a significant impact on someone. You're well within reason to complain about these kinds of experiences and the way they make you feel. You're only human and your feelings are valid.

    You also talked about some of your personality traits that you're not happy with. Our family has a massive impact on how we develop and I doubt anyone here would judge you for absorbing part of their nature as you grew up. Your self-awareness strikes me, too - it's not always easy to look into ourselves and see this bigger, more objective picture of what's going on. It's a great quality to have, though can carry the risk of making us become over-critical and chastise ourselves for things we needn't.
    So because of this I have had a few copping mechanisms and they unfortunately include : self harm, an inability to trust anyone, I have not cried in front of anyone for years, I have contained as many of my emotions ask could, I have become reckless with my life, and violent with possessions.

    Being a guy often means we're taught not to talk about our feelings, and particularly given what you said about your mum telling you to toughen up, locking away emotions and venting them through these sorts of behaviours is understandable.


    I tip my hat to you for being so open and honest with us. It must have taken a lot to write everything down and work through your thoughts, and I hope you found some relief in doing so. Writing things down can do the world of good sometimes.


    Are you currently getting any support for anything you mentioned? For example, any forms of therapy or other support services?

    "900 years of time and space and I've never met someone who wasn't important.”

     - The 11th Doctor
  • Mama_U660Mama_U660 Posts: 11 Fast Newbie
    hey jack doe, u actually seem like a really funny person and i guess i already frickin love u cos hey I LOVE BOOKS TOOO. im sorry about all the BS in ur life and its not ur fault about the whole anger issues youve literally been bread into it. I dont think u should keep believing no one would love u and the fact that youve noticed your problems is a good thing. =) =) hope we can talk more about books cos not alot of people like them (yeh their all wierdos :3)

    - Mama.U
Sign In or Register to comment.