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Is it wrong to love your ex while they love another?

Nimrod2000Nimrod2000 Posts: 21 Fast Newbie
I'm in a bit of a complicated situation at the moment and I don't know how to proceed. I don't know what to say or even what to do.

There's this girl I know, she's very beautiful in my opinion funny and lights up my day whenever I talk with her. She's a one in a million type of girl and quite honestly my feelings for her run deeper than they should. We met a couple of months back, I wanted to talk to new people on Facebook as it's described as "Social media" yet we're never social to the people we call friends.

So I messaged her and we got speaking and I'll never forget that first encounter. It started off nice but then I heard about the actions a friend of mine did to her and I felt horrible that this man did these things to their loving girlfriend. I felt betrayed by this man who I had known for many years and felt heartbroken for this girl. I reassured her that nothing that had happened was her fault and that she was an amazing human being and I was proud of her.

Over the weeks we started talking even more, I'd listen and help as best as I could to her problems and concerns and she'd do the same for me. This girl truly is one in a million. We start getting flirty and kinda intimate but I felt bad about it because she was still with my friend. I knew I wanted her but I felt like it was wrong, I didn't want to hurt my friends feelings. I struggled with getting intimate also because of the two years of sexual abuse which makes it difficult to form a connection with someone and my previous ex had broken my heart and made me feel like I was a worthless human being who couldn't be loved. So trying to bond with someone is difficult for Me, especially when you've got feelings for the girl. 

Eventually we dated around January but it only lasted a month, she broke up with me and stayed with her boyfriend. For the last few weeks of the relationship it was like "Mr Brightside" because I love this girl but she'd also be doing things with her boyfriend, things I couldn't do because of the abuse and me not wanting to hurt his feelings about me loving and being with her... it killed me inside because I love her so much and I just wanted us to be together. When she left I was truly heartbroken, I cried and I cried because I blamed myself for everything. I was never sexual despite wanting to be, i was suicidal and depressed and felt like I wasn't the man she fell in love with and it still hurts thinking about it.

She left for 3 months, I had a YouTube channel which focuses on music as I'm a muscian and I removed all my videos because this girl i love was getting harassed online and I couldn't stand by and do nothing. I defended her and told her piece of shit boyfriend that I'm sorry that she got harassed, I defended her and I was removing all my content so she'd be safe. Over the 3 months I tried to forget about her, felt like she was better off without me. But everytime I was alone I'd think of her and be filled with overwhelming sadness and regret. Missing the memories and the little things she did. Missing us...

Recently she came back into my life and I was happy, this woman I loved came back and we started talking again. I still care about her deeply so when she told me everything that's been going on in her life I felt again heartbroken... he never changed his ways and seeing her so upset, knowing she was crying it killed me again. All these feelings came back but I was scared, scared of getting hurt again. I love her but my biggest concern was her safety and her wellbeing.

I still love her and all these feelings that I've had came back... only thing is that now she's talking with a new guy and she likes him and he loves her as well. They've been talking for about a month. I'm upset because I still love her and I want to get all of my feelings across to her but I'm scared she'd hate me for it. How do I bring up "Hey I'm still in love with you and I want to give us another shot"? I'm trying to be a supportive friend but it's hard not to get hurt when she mentions this guy... I know they're not a thing and it's not official but I want to tell her how I feel but don't know how. Should i say something? Is it bad of me to love her while she likes someone else?? I never got to properly be with her and I never got to be the boyfriend I knew i could be and the boyfriend she wanted... it makes me want to cry

Comments

  • AidanAidan Clever idiot Posts: 1,255 Fanatical Poster
    Hey Nimrod!

    Fundamentally, I think you sometimes can't help who you have feelings for, so don't blame yourself for this happening. I don't think it can ever be wrong to just love someone.

    I think you're doing the right thing by being a supportive friend to her. You'd be surprised how many people in your situation would just try to break her and her boyfriend up instead! (don't try that, by the way :joy: )

    Can you two be open about your feelings for one another? If you are, than talking about your feelings is only going to strengthen your relationship and let some worries off your chest. 

    But if she chooses her boyfriend over you, it doesn't mean she doesn't like you; she might just want you as a friend instead. You two sound very close to one another so it doesn't seem so unreasonable. But again, you can never know what'll happen or what the future will bring.

    Best of luck, I hope you can figure something out :)
    Aidan
    Nimrod2000
  • Lucy307Lucy307 UKPosts: 630 Extreme Poster
    Hey @Nimrod2000

    Sounds like you've been through a lot together and sounds like she is very lucky to have someone who cares so deeply about her. As @Aidan said, you can't choose who you fall for so please don't feel bad for that. I do think it would be best to tell her how you're feeling as it sounds like it is hurting you to not tell her and it maybe be better either way, so you can understand how she feels about the situation.

    I think honesty is always the best way forward. Good luck, let us know how you're getting on whether you do choose to tell her or not? How are you feeling about it?

    - Lucy
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
  • Nimrod2000Nimrod2000 Posts: 21 Fast Newbie
    Hey @Lucy307

    Yeah its been a tough time, it's certainly been eventful and not for the better. Yes @Aidan is right in what he said, but I still feel bad about having feelings for her. She loves another guy and if that's what she wants then I'm all for that. 

    I told her how I felt, I told her everything but she said she felt guilty because I felt strongly for her but she didn't feel the same way. I felt bad because I made her feel guilty. And it felt like I'd let her down when I couldn't help her when that's all I try and do. 

    Me and her aren't talking at this particular moment and not because of the feelings. She hurt me deeply and I couldn't cope with what she said to me so I've stopped talking for a few days. Maybe I should stop caring about people who care so little about me...

    Thank you for your advice it's been she opening
  • Candlestick56Candlestick56 Posts: 90 Miniposter
    Hey @Nimrod2000,

    It's a really horrible situation to be in when you feel that way about someone and they don't feel the same way back, especially when you have been through as much as you have, and find it hard to open up to people. You shouldn't feel bad for having those feelings though. We can't control who we fall for, and if a connection is there it's hard to ignore. 

    It must have been really hard to tell her how you feel and hear her say that didn't feel the same. That is bound to hurt, especially when you've been so brave after everything, to admit how you feel. But at least she had the decency to tell you that she doesn't feel the same way, so you can start trying to move on. It won't come easily- it will take time, but I think it's the best thing for you to do. 

    Please don't let it hold you back from getting close to someone again. It's never a bad thing to care for someone, it just hurts when they don't return the feelings. You will find someone who cares for you in the same way. Don't give up on that. 
    Nimrod2000MathsLily
  • Nimrod2000Nimrod2000 Posts: 21 Fast Newbie
    @damian7 his come you cant experience the feeling of love?
  • SkiveSkive No discipline. No morality. No respect. New ForestPosts: 15,017 I eat threads for breakfast
    Unrequited love. Not many worse feelings and excellently summed up in the Radiohead song Creep.

    Anyway, it's horrible. But it is very common with most poeple experiencing it at some point. If the relationship is not good for you then end it.


    [Deleted User]MathsLily
  • MathsLilyMathsLily UKPosts: 24 Cool Newbie
    edited February 27
    Hello Nimrod,

    I am so sorry that you feel this way, I understand how difficult it must be loving someone who has moved on to someone else, as i too went through this. I think you are a very loving and caring person from what you have said who deserves to be recognized for this and loved the same way. I agree with everyone else and think you have nothing to lose and should definitely tell the girl how you feel, as it is never too late to try for something that makes you happy and it is always good to express your feelings! I do not see why the girl wouldn't want to try with you, but if she had truly moved on to the other guy then she is not worth your love, because you deserve someone who chooses you first. Please do not feel that if she is moving on, that there is anything wrong with you because you have given your all to this girl and you cared for her. You are yourself and do not need to change anything, you should be loved as you and if the girl refuses to see how special you are, she is not the right person for you. I can guarantee so many people would choose you :) i send my blessings and hugs <3
  • MikeMike Posts: 1,764 Staff Moderator
    Hey @MathsLily, and a belated welcome to the community. :) 

    Thanks for the well thought-out response to this post. This thread is coming up for a year old, so I'm going to close it. We generally tend not to post on support discussions once they've been inactive for a couple of months, just to make sure the support people are giving is still relevant and doesn't pull up any old negative feelings for the OP.

    Appreciate your contribution though - feel free to post on some active threads. :)

    See you around!
    just because you're not doing something perfectly, doesn't mean you're not doing it
This discussion has been closed.