Sexual assault or over reacting?

Former Member

A couple of months ago my friend was telling me about when she was sexually assulted. After the conversation I was thinking about an experience I had that seemed very similar. When I was 12 I went to hang out with a friend. She was going to her boyfriends house so I went with her. When we arrived, he had a friend there about 16 years old he said, so we were all just hanging out and watching tv. They started making out so it was a little awkward because I’ve never even kissed a boy before. He kissed me and we started making out and it was really weird(I assumed cause it was my first kiss so it was normal). After a while he started grabbing my butt and private area. I was startled of course because I was a Virgin, never had a kiss, much less been touched like that. I think he noticed how awkward it was so he kind of backed off so I assumed he was stopping. Then he tried sticking his hand down my pants and I grabbed his arm and stood up. It was a really awkward and uncomfortable situation and I didn’t want to be there so we left. I always thought of it as my fault. I ruined my first kiss experience, I shouldn’t have put myself in that position. I was raised better to know not to go to a boys house. I never thought of him doing something wrong. After that I was very careful with my firsts. I never told a boy I loved them because I wanted my first to be better, I never had sex because I wanted my first to be special because I already screwed up my first kiss. But when I heard my friends story and how similar they sounded it alarmed me. I never told anyone because I was embarrassed and assumed it was always my fault, and they would think that too. I never told him no, or stop. I kissed him back? Now, 11 years later, why would anyone think it was anything if it hasn’t effected me this whole time? I don’t feel like a victim or think about it everyday. I’m not as upset as my friend was but I also don’t let myself think about it in detail either. I explained this to my boyfriend of the past 6 years and his reaction wasn’t the best, but I don’t really know what I hoped for? After 6 years now I have this big secret? Now I really don’t want to ask anyone I know about it because it wasn’t the reaction I give to people when they tell me about these experiences. I’m really disappointed but I thought I’d ask strangers who won’t judge. Thank you.

Former Member

i dont think ur over reeacting. no matter what age u are it can affect u thro ur life, but im only 12 so i wouldnt know alot, i have been kissed when i didnt want to and he started touching me . no one knows so ik how u feel x

Former Member

I think it depends on how badly it affected you. It could be just he was ridiculously forward and you werent feeling it or it could be he assaulted you and you were able to remove yourself from further harm. Assault doesnt have to be where they realized they were assaulting you so id say its really if you felt like you were being assaulted or he was just way too forward. Whatever answer you choose is the right one because its not up to him or anyone else to decide if it was assult or not, its up to you. If you felt assaulted then you were. If you feel like it wasnt then it wasnt. 

Former Member

Hey @Past User

It's great to post here to get impartial opinions!

I have been through a really similar experience, I get that because you were very young and a bit shocked at the time, it's easy to think what happened was 'normal' or that you somehow brought it on yourself. You didn't bring it on yourself by kissing or by being at a boys house. I think this article might be useful for you to have a look at http://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-relationships/single-life-and-dating/sexual-consent-15356.html - outlines exactly what sexual consent means. 

I'm sorry to hear that this has happened to you too, I understand the feelings you are going through now and this is seriously more common than we think (sadly ). It does sound like it has affected your life since, again I'm sad to hear that but I also think being cautious is a good thing as you do not want people to take advantage of your good nature

- Lucy

Former Member

Hey @Past User ,

I think it’s really good that you now feel able to share what you experienced all those years ago. It obviously did affect you at the time, but it seems that you just didn't really know how to deal with those feelings at the time (which is understandable at 12!) so you buried them and moved on.

It’s not surprising you feel mixed emotions now about what happened. Since you're only really just addressing what happened now, it's bound to be difficult to reconcile the feelings you have about what happened, with the fact it was 11 years ago, but that doesn't make your feelings any less valid. It's ok to feel upset about it now, even looking back. You should allow yourself process those feelings, without feeling guilty that you're only doing so now, or that your experience somehow wasn't as upsetting as your friends'. When it comes to things like that, there is no scale, all that matters is how you felt at the time. Given that you were young and it was your first sexual experience, it's not surprising you felt somehow victimised, even if you wouldn't put that label on it now. People will always judge, and people will always have been through worse, but please don't let that make you feel guilty for feeling the way you do about what happened. It was obviously a very unpleasant and uncomfortable experience for you. But you can’t blame yourself for what happened. You also can’t blame your 12 year old self for not addressing it or being more assertive at the time. It’s understandable that at 12 you didn’t want to say anything, and thought you were somehow in the wrong. 

One more thing - it's actually a lot more common to have those kinds of bad first experiences than it is for them to be special and perfect! I had a similar experience too, and wished for ages I could have changed it. But I realised it doesn't help to think like that.

I hope it helped to share it here anyway, and to think back on it now as a means to let go. 

Former Member

I don’t think your overreacting I have gone through the same experience and haven’t told anyone but it was wrong what he did. I am too nervous to tell anyone properly but finding this has given me more confidence to tell someone that I have been sexually assaulted thank you for the confidence and space to talk 

Former Member

Hey everyone I'm going to go ahead and close this thread since it's a year old now. I just wanted to say @Past User that while it's always great to see new users giving out support just be sure to take a close look at when a thread was first made before responding.