Help *Trigger Warning*

Former Member

So this is going to be weird and I've tried writing this all 10x but nothing worked so I'm sorry if it's long. I promised someone I'd do this.

I'm 18 and I'm extremely depressed and alone. I'm at breaking point and my life is a joke and I can't see it getting any better. I feel suicidal and whenever I try and fall asleep I keep having the same thoughts... just kill yourself! Every night me thinking kill yourself repeatedly like a record on repeat! And when I wake up from falling asleep it's always the same just repeatedly telling myself to go die. It's unbearable and I'm trying not to pay attention to these thoughts but they're getting louder and louder and its all my fault. I probably deserve all of this. My reward for everything I've done.

I have nobody to talk to. I can't talk to my family because they don't believe in my mental health and they've yelled at me saying "why are you depressed, you've got such a good life" which makes me feel guilty about everything. I've self-harmed and my mother looked at me and called me a cunt... I deserve that. If they knew anything I was doing I would get disowned and kicked out the house for this. They've never understood and have disowned me so many times I've lost track. I can't even get ill without getting yelled at and hated so I can never tell them about how I feel.

 I can't talk to my friends because they don't care or believe me. They're too busy with their lives and they want me to be the happy, joking musician who helps everyone. I'm not a human in their eyes I'm just a utility, a tool to be used by their own agenda, used and then discarded when they're done. They always want my help, to fix a relationship, to give advice, to do the work but I've had enough because whenever I ask for help it's always No, fuck off and just kill yourself. I'm known as the mentally ill kid and that fucking hurts to be degraded that much.

I can't talk to anyone I love because I'm single and everyone I've loved in the past has gone when I told them the extent of how bad I feel. No matter what I do, no matter who I love I'll never be good enough for them. They'll always find someone better and that's just that. I'm the guy everyone disregards. I'll help and be the best I can be yet I'll never be enough for them. So I've got nobody, no friends, family or loved ones. I'm on my own...

I'm not allowed to do anything. I'm not allowed to love who I want because of my family and their views. I'm not allowed to get a job, I'm not allowed to go out whenever I like and I'm not allowed to meet up with friends unless its under the strictest of conditions and even then it's hardly ever when I'm out. I'm so restricted by everything that I cannot function in the real world. I have panic attacks when I post a letter at the post office! I'm scared of loud noises. Every day there's shouting, screaming, crying, slamming of doors and punching of something in the house. It's a big family but this is almost every single day. I can't take that because I get on edge and I get scared.

I've been sexually harrased/abused by someone years back for 2 years straight and I cannot form a stable relationship with someone because if they wanted something sexual, I'd shut down and become a nervous wreck. I don't like anyone touching me and it even goes to my little brothers, I don't like them touching me... It's harsh but it's the truth. A lot happened in those 2 years and the fact that I cannot be intimate both emotionally or sexually is something I cannot live with.

I've tried getting help, I've been referred to a crisis support team because my GP is afraid for me. There's so much going through my head, I don't want to live like this forever and I can't get help while I'm at home. Each day is getting worse and worse and today I wanted to take my own life but I didn't. I don't see a way out of this. I'm all alone and I doubt anyone would care if I'm gone. All i seem to do is hurt people, that's what everyone says I do, hurt them.

I don't know what to do anymore... nothing seems to work and I'm struggling each and every day. All this is the tip of the iceberg and I cannot cope.

JustV

Hey @Past User, and welcome to the community. Glad you found us.

It's brave of you to post here and open up in the way that you have - these things are never easy. Did you find some relief in writing these thoughts out? Articulating feelings like this can be a very therapeutic process for some.

Reading your post, you can feel the weight behind your words and everything you have on your shoulders. Experiencing any one of the things you've talked about - the suicidal thoughts, the abuse, the isolation - would be a lot to deal with, let alone all of them. It sucks to hear you have such an unsupportive family as well. I can imagine that compounds the issue somewhat?

It's interesting that you talk a lot about feeling like 'that person'. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like that might be two-fold - that feeling of loneliness, but also a feeling of not being the person you want to be? Living with depression can be a very restrictive thing, and that feeling of not being able to be your true self can be exhausting over time.

It's amazing to hear you've looked for help through your GP and been referred to the safeguarding team. Have you explored any mid-long term treatments like therapy?

You've got this, Nimrod. Reaching out here shows real strength and courage; that flicker of determination to stay afloat and keep moving forward. Let us know how you're feeling today, and keep in mind we'll always be here to listen.

Former Member

Hey Mike

It's a nice community here, seeing people who aren't judgemental and knowing that people care for someone is something I'm not exactly a custom too. It's welcoming and I was recommend this by a friend of mine.

I found some relief writing what I did, I fear if I went into detail I'd be told I'm detached from reality again. Still, getting it written down certaily clears your head up. I was sceptical, thinking there was no point in writing but it helped a lot. 

Yeah there's certainly a weight with my words, for me it feels like I'm being held down by weights labelled with everything that's ever happened. From abuse, isolation, failed relationships, bad family life and a ton more it adds up. It's weird because I thought I could deal with it all. Be the hero and fight through and just brush it off. But in all honesty if I were to draw myself, I'd be all bandaged up, bloody while crawling across the floor begging for a helping hand. Having all of the stuff is something else and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. And with the family imagine going from a place where you've suffered emotionally and physically only to go home to an unsupportive family. One bad place to another, I wouldn't say it's the healthiest of enviroments... it does compound the issue because you're supposed to have your family there for you but I'm not lucky to have that. 

You're right in that respect yes. I am lonely and I do feel isolated from others, like an outsider looking in, and you're trying to get someones attention and they're not waving back. And with not being the person I want to be, it's like I have to act like someone else just so people will talk with me. I'm not the man I want to be and quite frankly it feels like I'm never going to be. I hate my own reflection and it's like I'm seeing a different person... There's a song by David Bowie called "The man who sold the world" and I relate heavily to it: I've managed to convince the world that I'm someone else, this amazing happy person but in reality I'm not. I sold the world a lie of who I really am and it feels horrible. It's getting to the point where i cannot do what i want to do and I feel trapped inside this cage. 

Thank you, I'm still going through everything with the safeguarding team and I've got things booked with them. They have suggested different types of therapy and maybe medication but given my circumstances I wouldn't be able to pursue any support while at home. The only alternative is leave home so i can sort myself out and get the help I need. 

I want to say thank you for all your kind words and support, it's a blessing to receive such love, kindness and compassion from other people and it fills me up with some hope. I'm feeling safe today and I had a 3 hour Welfare session earlier so that helped a bit. Thank you, I'm still bad but reading that and my Welfare helped me

Siena

Heya Nimrod. I can really hear how sad youre with these two posts and im so sorry youre struggling so much. 

But So great to hear sharing how you feel helps. Know it helps me and feeling heard helps too. Also glad that youre feeling safe today

Im sorry im not much help but youre not alone or with how youre feeling and i can relate to lot of how you feel. It all can feel v disabling 

With the support and help, I honestly hope you feel better soon. And that people treat you with the respect you deserve. 
Take care of yourself

Former Member

Please remember that its not you're fault and you are allowed to love, to have a job and go out. Please don't let the things your parents are saying rule you, you are your own person and you are not your parents. 

Of course, depression and other mental heath issues can make this hard to believe, so its understandable that you are feeling this way. But it doesn't have to last for ever, you can improve your life. You've already taken the first step in doing this by posting it here on the Mix. Writing out how you feel is the start of your recovery, you can get through this. 

You mentioned at the top of your post that you promised someone you would write this, would they be someone you could confine in?

Also, if your GP is not helpful you have the right to request a different doctor. You could go into a walk-in centre, resister there, and find someone better who will help you. You might only need a form of ID and to fill out a form. This can be a very nerve wracking thing to do, but after a few appointments you might receive a login and you can ask for doctors appointments online. (This might depend on where you live and the clinic itself.) Well done on going to meet with the safeguarding team, taking to them is a great step forward. Medication is designed to help you and there is no shame in needing it. Many people take various forms of anti-depressants and you can always ask the Mix community for advice about it. 

Its okay not to want physical contact with others, this is just a symptom of the issues you are going though and the events you have been through. You don't have to force yourself into any situation that makes you feel bad, take a deep breath, tell them you don't like being touched and if they argue or disagree then perhaps they are not the best person to stay with. You will find someone who loves you for you, it just takes time. 

About your parents and life at home, could you write them a letter explaining how you feel to them? This can be worrying but it means you don't have to be there when they read about your feelings, and that both of you have time to think over what you want to say. Perhaps explain that you need more freedom as being controlled is leading to a lot of your negative emotions. 

You can find a way through this, well done so much for speaking to the welfare team. This is excellent progress and more evidence that you can make it though this. The fact you are trying so hard is brilliant and we all support you.