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Anyone understand?

2

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    AshleenAshleen Posts: 108 The Mix Convert
    All I've ever done is hurt.
    If its not me I'm hurting its someone I care for very much and this is what I get 
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    EyepatchEyepatch Posts: 666 Incredible Poster
    The fact you care very much for someone, even if you accidentally hurt them, caring is what makes you good. You tried, perhaps you just need to keep trying. For yourself and others

    Would you feel okay giving me an example of and event that has made you feel this way? This could help me understand you more and give better advice.
    "Sometimes we find ourselves stuck between choosing what is right, and what is easy." 
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    AshleenAshleen Posts: 108 The Mix Convert
    Grade nine I used to make fun of these kids and I mean it was wrong but I was always made fun of.. A few weeks alter I was raped and I deserved it.. It was karma.. What comes around goes around.. And I used to laugh when people said they liked me now I'm laughed at..
    I've been told many times to go kill myself...
    Maybe I should have.
    Maybe people would be happier with me out of there life
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    EyepatchEyepatch Posts: 666 Incredible Poster
    edited July 2018
    Your past mistakes don't have to rule how you feel now, would apologising to the kids in ninth grade help you? It might help to settle the turmoil you feel now, and is a good step to proving to yourself and others that you want to be better. You could even find them on social media and send them a message, you have admitted and recognised this past mistake and thats a great step towards helping yourself.

    Being raped is not your fault. No one deserves to be treated that way. That moment of your life has hurt you, and that is the fault of the criminal who did this to you. Is it possible to tell the police about it? even if it happened a long time ago its never to late to speak up. 

    Please remember your family and support worker, they would miss you, they want to help. Please let them help, if you don't feel like talking to them right now please try these 24 hour Canadian hotlines I found or/and keep replying here. I really want to help you, and I don't want you to hurt yourself.

    519 433 0334 WAYS mental health support line
    1 800 265 1576 or 1 877 529 2272 Helpline for abused women
    if these are no good, just let me know and I'll find more. 

    "Sometimes we find ourselves stuck between choosing what is right, and what is easy." 
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    AshleenAshleen Posts: 108 The Mix Convert
    The police already know..
    I can never forgive myself for what I've done.. I'm a monster.
    I have no one
    I deserve nothing better.
    This is as good as my life gets.

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    EyepatchEyepatch Posts: 666 Incredible Poster
    Have the police done anything about it?
    You are not a monster, you're human and humans make mistakes. We can resolve those mistakes
    You can get through this.

    Im here.

    where I live its 2am, I can't sleep because Im nervous about going to see my family next week. I've got a cat on my lap. she's not mine, she just visits sometimes. And I want to help you.
    "Sometimes we find ourselves stuck between choosing what is right, and what is easy." 
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    AshleenAshleen Posts: 108 The Mix Convert
    Why do you want to help me?
    I don't understand 
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    EyepatchEyepatch Posts: 666 Incredible Poster
    Because I read your posts, and I see that right now you are suffering. But I also see those posts as you reaching out, I thought, maybe this person wants someone to talk to. Maybe they don't realise they want to talk to someone. There have been times where all I needed was another voice, even if I didn't realise it at the time. Sometimes I reached out on here or to friends, other times I got random comments on my social media and I realised that those little comments always make me feel a bit better.

    I want to help you because I think there is still a little hope of a better future inside you, it was that spark of hope that first made you comment here. If you let it, that hope can grow and help you be better.

    Sounds a bit strange huh :) 
    How are you feeling right now? I know a few calm down exercises we can play if you want. 
    "Sometimes we find ourselves stuck between choosing what is right, and what is easy." 
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    AshleenAshleen Posts: 108 The Mix Convert
    I feel like I wanna give up
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    EyepatchEyepatch Posts: 666 Incredible Poster
    Please don't give up, 
    Try taking the next few days one day at a time, you could even write them down,what was the last good thing you saw or felt? Was the weather good, did you see any cute animals? 

    Giving up may seem like the easy way out, "but if you keep trying you may still have good fortune, where as all the dead are dead alike" Thats a quote from Nania, I like to think about it when Im in a bad state of mind. Keep going and things can get better.
    "Sometimes we find ourselves stuck between choosing what is right, and what is easy." 
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    AshleenAshleen Posts: 108 The Mix Convert
    The last thing I felt was pain
    Being let down.. 
    Letting people down.. 
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    EyepatchEyepatch Posts: 666 Incredible Poster
    Who did you let down? 
    Im sure there is a way for you to make it up to them, would you feel okay telling me more? 
    "Sometimes we find ourselves stuck between choosing what is right, and what is easy." 
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    AifeAife Community Manager Posts: 3,031 Boards Guru
    edited July 2018
    Hey @Ashleen

    I've just been reading through your recent posts on your thread and I'm so sorry to hear how you're feeling. It sounds like you're feeling a lot of pain and have lost a lot of hope in everything. It's been a while since you last posted, how are you feeling today?

    I want to echo everything @eyepatch has said. What happened to you isn't your fault at all, no matter what you said to those people in 9th grade. It's not okay for someone to do this no matter what happened. You are so brave for going to the police. 

    I know you mentioned that you feel like you're beyond help and don't deserve support, but you deserve to be happy and I know it might not feel like things will ever get better right now, but they will in time. It's really positive that you're taking steps to reach out for support by going to rehab, reaching our here and even going to the police. We all really care about you and we are here to help you through this. Things can get better Ashleen, keep going <3

    - Aife
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
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    AshleenAshleen Posts: 108 The Mix Convert
    edited July 2018
    I'm not doing to good.. My dad invited his mom to stay with us at the trailer today so I won't have WiFi at all but I can deal with that.. 
    What I can't deal with is him inviting his mother.
    She has told me many times how I'm the second biggest mistake my dad made.
    She has disowned me and says I'm to blame I don't deserve to be happy and I will always be alone..
    I thought grandparents where supposed to love you for who you are?
    Not disown you after your raped
    I don't know if I can handle today
    She is gonna make everything worse and I'm not even sure I want this anymore!
    I think I'm about done 
    Ready to give up
    I hate to say it but it's true
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    EyepatchEyepatch Posts: 666 Incredible Poster
    Hello,

    Is it possible for you to tell your dad how much his mother's comments hurt you? 
    Don't listen to her, sounds like she has a very old fashioned point of veiw that simply doesn't fit with how we are today. If you can, go on a walk to take a break every now and then, or if you are feeling up to it tell her how much she is hurting you. It's okay to get angry as long as no one gets hurt, think about what you want to say clearly before telling her. 

    Unfortunatly not everyone has a stable family life and this can cause a lot of negative feelings, but you are not alone and you are not worthless. Be brave, do something amazing with your life and prove your grandmother wrong. 

    We are here for you :)  
    "Sometimes we find ourselves stuck between choosing what is right, and what is easy." 
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    AshleenAshleen Posts: 108 The Mix Convert
    Me telling my dad or his mom how much she hurts me will not work.
    I try to tell my dad but when I do it gets turned around on me and I end up getting yelled at over something small.
    And my dad is very touchy when it comes to his Mom even though what she says he hears.
    She has said this in public, at the mall, her home, my home , my school.. I can't live if she does it at the trailer 
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    EyepatchEyepatch Posts: 666 Incredible Poster
    Perhaps you could take your dog on a walk while she is around, get some air and make sure you feel as calm as you can before going back. 
    Are there any friends close by you could hang out with? 
    Please don't think that her words mean anything, it's just one persons opinion, you can get through this and we are here to help :) You can still choose to keep fighting and do something amazing with your life, ignore those who say otherwise, they probably just don't understand you. Keep going, stay strong :) 
    "Sometimes we find ourselves stuck between choosing what is right, and what is easy." 
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    AifeAife Community Manager Posts: 3,031 Boards Guru
    edited July 2018
    Hey @Ashleen,

    I'm sorry to hear that you're not doing too good at the moment - it sounds like you've been really struggling a lot over these last few weeks. It's understandable to hear how much your Dads mum's words have hurt you. It's hard enough to open up about everything that happened, but for someone in our family not be understanding or supportive can be so tough. What you went through is awful and you aren't to blame for what happened. It's not okay for someone to do this and you deserve to be happy. You've got all of us on this forum who support you and believe you - try not to let her words make you think that this was your fault because it wasn't.

    There's some really nice advice from @Eyepatch - it can be really important to try and find some time to get away from this negative environment when you can. Whether that's taking your dog for a walk, seeing some friends or doing something that you enjoy. It can be really hard to recover when someone is saying hurtful things and not being supportive. Is your Dad understanding about what happened to you?

    In your post before you mentioned you'd taken some time away from rehab. How were things going in rehab? It sounds like things were starting to get better but then after your week at home, you've been feeling really low and loosing a lot of hope in the future. How was your week at home? Are you planning to go back to rehab again?

    Stay strong Ashleen, we are here for you :) 
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
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    AshleenAshleen Posts: 108 The Mix Convert
    I'm going back to rehab for another two weeks.. And I will never sit in the same area as my grandmother I literally can't all she talked about was how selfish I am and how I'm a horrible child nobody said anything.. My mom said that's enough but my dad sat there and let her say it
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    AshleenAshleen Posts: 108 The Mix Convert
    She told me over and over how it would be better for everyone in my family and the world if I committed suicide and was successful
    Like my dad said nothing about that 

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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,495 Skive's The Limit
    Ashleen said:
    She told me over and over how it would be better for everyone in my family and the world if I committed suicide and was successful
    Like my dad said nothing about that 

    Thats an awful thing to hear someone say.  But completely not true. So sorry they said such hurtful things. Youre worthy and deserve to have a good future. Not death

    How are you feeling about going back to rehab?
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    AshleenAshleen Posts: 108 The Mix Convert
    Im not even sure if I want to bother with going back I'm a lost cause there are people who need more help then me..
    I'm just in the way
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,495 Skive's The Limit
    Youre not a lost cause- as long as youre alive there is still some hope and alwayyyss that possiblity of things getting better

    There may be people who need that help too. But what about you? Youre deserving of it too as much as others and if its something thats helped you before then think sounds like good idea
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    AshleenAshleen Posts: 108 The Mix Convert
    What about me?
    I'm just a disappointment I've always been one 
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,495 Skive's The Limit
    edited July 2018
    You dont sound like a disappointment to me. Sound like someone whos having a hard time but staying pretty strong as can do <3
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    AshleenAshleen Posts: 108 The Mix Convert
    If staying strong is debating over whether or not to kill myself then yeah I'm strong
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,495 Skive's The Limit
    And its completly horrible to have those thoughts. I understand. But it takes so much to not kil yourself when feel like it - as can be so overwhelming & distressing. So yeah defintly makes you strong person <3 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    AshleenAshleen Posts: 108 The Mix Convert
    I'm not strong I'm weak and pathetic
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,495 Skive's The Limit
    Not at all. Maybe you think that because of how others have spoken to you? Some people are not very understanding let alone supportive.
     But would you be saying that to someone else? Like a friend? Probs not - we can be so hard on ourself:(
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    AshleenAshleen Posts: 108 The Mix Convert
    I have no friends in Canada.. 
    Im not even sure I have friends anywhere
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