Feeling confused and worthless

Former Member

Just curious, I have a business contact that I had, had consenting sex with in a friends with benefit situation-I wasn’t looking for a relationship and he wasn’t a guy I would have wanted a relationship with. I ended this arrangement over a year ago and had since moved onto a relationship. This counterpart and I end up back in a working environment together about 3 months back where I expressed my relationship status, offered to be friends. We ended up out one evening specifically stated as friends, where, prior to any drinking I concisely said I was not interested in sex. He relentlessly touched me, even acknowledging he might be crossing boundaries. I didn’t want to make a scene for fear of the impact to my work. So I just had a few drinks to relax. I ended up drinking heavily and he ended having. The following morning he apologized for his actions, blah blah blah... I haven’t been the same since. I feel so irresponsible for having trusted the friendship boundaries, for drinking too much, for not saying no more effectively, and mostly because I was too compromised through my own actions to walk away. 

I believe he knew his behavior was wrong because he apologized for it the next day. However, he has continuously blasted me that I didn’t give him a chance to do the dating thing, patronized me for not wanting a relationship, has told me he loves me-to which I have never responded in kind, and has repeatedly manipulated conversation to infer that he was used during the friends with benefit time.

I have tried to keep peace for professional relationships sake and not encourage his feelings, going so far at times to say find a new hobby, I never asked you to care for me, etc.  I have repeatedly told him I don’t feel that way for him, yet he would drone on about his feelings and then apologize for crossing lines, even berate me for the drunken encounter. I finally had had it with his relentless hostility and told him off, not even caring about the professional ramifications there may be. I am not saying I was assaulted per se, but I honestly can’t shake the utter worthlessness I feel because I couldn’t say no loud enough to be heard, or love myself enough to shut him down and wondering if anyone else has ever been through this. 

Former Member

Hey @Past User

This sounds so familiar... I can really really relate to what you are going through. I too, had a consensual (mainly drunken) FWB relationship with a male from work a few years back. I then got a boyfriend and told him I wasn't interested anymore, but I trusted him with my friendship. I think we do this because we want to see the good in people, and if you are able to actually tell someone you don't want to do anything with them anymore, they should accept that. 

But hey ho, mine didn't accept it either. So one night I got stupid drunk because I was uncomfortable around him and he took advantage of me. I woke up the next day feeling ashamed, worthless, and most of all I felt like I was to blame. I had to continue working with him too, which made me feel sick. What I ended up doing was telling him one day that what he'd done was serious and that I was broken by it. He then started to ignore me, leave me out of stuff etc etc. It's a shame but I genuinely think that guys like this have their egos hurt and so do things like this that seriously damage us without even thinking about it. That's why this guy is trying to turn things around on you, because it has hurt his ego that you don't want him.

All I can say from experience is that it bloody sucks, but it will get better with time. You are not to blame and what you feel right now will get better. He is an awful human being and I can only hope one day these guys will realise what they've done.

Hope it helps even a little to know that you aren't alone. I'm so sorry you've been through this too but here if you want to talk about it any more. Have you been able to talk about it with anyone else? Is there any way you can avoid him at work? 

- Lucy