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RicochetRicochet Posts: 13 Settling in
I was an unexpected child; my mum found out at 20 she was pregnant with me. She went through a multitude of things like living in a car, with other people and finally settled in a temporary home. Being a baby, I was surprisingly quiet and my mother loved me. However, as I grew up, I had chronic nightmares; I would refuse to sleep without my mum. Even though my mum worked her ass off and came home late. My babysitter would try and help me and I couldn't. Only now at 15, I can finally sleep on my own but I need my phone or a tv to make it sound like I'm with someone. I started developing a sense of emptiness; my dad leaving after attacking my mum, making her bleed on me as a baby, I barely saw him apart from my birthdays but would eventually go away. 

Things started to fall apart; first my bedwetting issue. This was horrendous and only left recently. It was diagnosed as a psychological issue and angered my mum. Being African, she'd threaten to slap me as she thought I did it on purpose. It even went to a point of her almost showing my friends at school. Then, in year 5 I moved to a private school. This was the worse, I was always a sensitive person, but to the new students in my school, I was seen as weak as I was the tallest and meant to be a chilled person. People hated me and my emotions really started to fall apart. I'd cry every time I'd talk to my mum on the phone, I got jealous of these rich kids with all these items which I did not have. My mum wanted me to have almost everything and I appreciated it. 

However, since then, I suffer from my emotions. My relationship with my mum is risky; She would compare me to my cousins; "why can't you be like them?". My cousins play in both Everton and Liverpool junior team so my family loves them more. I feel now like my mum only loves me because I'm her son, she hates who I am and only misses me because I'm in a boarding school and she forgets how I'm like. I want to run away from home, I went to CAMHS and looking into it. I cannot cope in school, and now I don't even want to go home. Many children, especially African, get beaten as punishments, but my mother also would mock me, threatening to mention my problems in public, compare me. But on the other hand, she would look after me. She always has fun with my cousins but always tells me off. But, me being stupid, can't leave my mum. But I just want people to leave me alone. I'm not sure if my life is shit but it feels like it. I couldn't enjoy the daytime and night because of my nightmares. I probably have BPD from self-assessment and Counseling telling me. I am struggling to say this because I now live in an apartment. We are not poor anymore so me talking about this makes me hate myself. I can't say I've had a bad childhood because I am shit and, to be honest, now it feels that not only my mum hates me but my father too.

So, Is this abuse that my counseling tries to tell me, or am I complaining. I hurt myself to stop crying but my conscious tells me I'm doing it for attention and I have no one to go to


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    BubblesGoesBooBubblesGoesBoo Posts: 3,590 Community Veteran
    Heey Ricochet

    im sorry for what you're going through, it sounds like a tough time, well done for speaking out about it. Do you still see CAMHS? or is there a school counsellor you can talk to? it's important to have a good support network around you.

    Do you still live with your mum? Please tell someone about whats going on as it's not fair for you to be suffering like this. I'm sorry i'm not much help but i'm always here if you ever want to chat or just vent :)
    ' So I put a bullet where I shouda put a helmet, and I crash my car cause I wanna get carried away, that's why I'm standing on the overpass screaming at myself 'hey, I wanna get better''  
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    RicochetRicochet Posts: 13 Settling in
    I was just wondering if my childhood is considered bad. My mum's great
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,548 Skive's The Limit

    It is wrong and bad to be threatened and mockedAnd i think it could be seen as emtional abuse. Even if its seen as a ‘norm’ for your culture or for anyone. It isnt okay. Did your mum also beat you up as a punishmenet?.  Any type of abuse is wrong and emtional abuse is as damaging as psyical as no one should be made to feel less worthy or in fear of saying things in case it is mocked. But remeber you are worthy and are just as imporant as your cousins

    its great that you say she looks after you and she is great but it doesnt make up for the times she purposely upsets you with no reason. Does she realise the affect it has on you or does she just see it as normal behaviour?

    you say you hate yourself because youre not poor. -You can still be sad and affected by things even if your home environement is okay. Its great to be appcieative of things &  that youre not poor anymore- but sadly that doesnt magically make everything fine.

     Is there anything else that helps you to stop crying other than hurting yourself? Any distractions or things you enjoy? - i dont think anyone should feel the need to hurt themselves. You say you conscous tells you its for attention- could it be for a cry for help instead?

    Maybe all this is something to focus and talk more about with your counsilor?
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    Candlestick56Candlestick56 Posts: 90 Budding Regular
    Hey Ricochet,

    It sounds like you're going through a lot of stuff at the moment. With everything you talk about I'm not surprised that your emotions are all over the place! I don't think you should worry about whether people think you're complaining or attention seeking, because that's obviously not true. From the sounds of it, you've had to deal with a lot of really difficult stuff in your life and you haven't had the support you need along the way. I'm really sorry you feel so alone, it can be so hard when you feel like you don't have anyone you can turn to. How long have you been doing the counselling for? It sounds like that is helping you better understand how you feel about everything at least. I think it's really good that you're able to put it all down in words like you have because that can be a difficult thing to do. Do you have anyone else you can talk to apart from the counselor and your mum? Are you still in school at the moment? I don't think the solution is to run away from your mum, from what you've said it's clear that she loves you and wants to support you, but hasn't been able to properly. I think the best thing is for you to try and work on the relationship you have with her. You said that it's good sometimes, so maybe focus on what makes it good when it is and try to work from there. Apart from hurting yourself, are there any other things that help you feel better? Even if it's just something small, like listening to music. It sounds cheesy but it can really help to write a list of things like that so you can remind yourself to do them when you're at a particularly low point, but equally there is nothing wrong with feeling emotional when you're going through tough times so try not to put too much pressure on yourself to be strong. Talking is not only healthy, but actually really brave, sometimes people forget that. You can be proud of yourself for being able to do that.
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    peachysoopeachysoo Posts: 151 Helping Hand
    Hey Ricochet,

    To answer your main question (if your childhood considered bad), in my opinion, I believe only you can really answer this question, however, from an outsider's view, I can't say that it has been good.

    From what I have read, I agree with Shaunie: even if these "punishments" from your mum are a norm for your culture (which I can understand to an extent, as I have been brought up exposed to my own Asian culture and British culture), it really does sound (emotionally) abusive, particularly the threats about exposing what makes you feel vulnerable. I understand how and why you feel really appreciative and loving for your mum; it's normal when you know they have worked so hard for you and done so much, and even more so when you might feel like you have no one else to turn to. That said, I think it's important to recognise that this doesn't excuse emotional abuse. Personally, I would ask you whether you have talked to your mum about how her actions are making you feel, since she might be unknowingly hurting you without her actually meaning to, but I also recognise that (at least with my Asian cultural background) it can be particularly difficult, or strange, to talk about your feelings. I'd perhaps bring this up with anyone you're seeing with the CAMHS for more advice.

    I understand how tough it must be being compared to your cousins, but please remember that someone else's success is not your failure, and you are worth just as much. Someone else's opinions of you does NOT define you, only you can define yourself and your own self-worth. You make your own truths - if you believe you're the best darn person in the world, then you're the best darn person in the world! 

    With the self-harming, I understand life can be really tough sometimes, and sometimes it feels like there's no escape other than to hurt yourself, however I urge you to please try to find alternatives. Please check out these links for more support:



    And, even if it did come down to you "doing it for attention", I don't think you should blame yourself. At the end of the day, you are in a bit of a fragile state and it's only normal to want help and support. The fact that you're conflicted about whether you're doing it for attention says to me that you need and deserve whole lot of attention, love, and support. There's nothing wrong with "attention seeking" if you need the help and feel there is no one there for you.

    Please remember to take care of yourself, and you are always welcome to be heard out on The Mix, and by CAMHS.

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