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Cheating in my family has fucked me up big time

raindrop96raindrop96 Posts: 19 Settling in
Hi! This is a long one, I'll put an tl;dr at the end of the post. 

I have not been diagnosed with anything because I have always thought I'm strong enough and it's just puberty and all that jazz. But I am 22 now and I'm feeling almost the worst that it's ever been. The situation is a lot more exacerbated because I am on a year abroad in Spain and have made no friends, plus no money to go to therapy. My boyfriend is in America, so it's long distance, and he's always tried to be so supportive and help me, but he shouldn't have to be my therapist imo.

I know the source of my misery and anxiety has been the relationship and more so not the relationship, but my anxiety towards relationships in general, but deeper than that it's family issues like my dad cheating on my mom continuously and me knowing about it since I was 5 and growing up with that secret without ever talking to anyone about it that has actually fucked me up. My boyfriend loves me and puts so much effort in, and I still find ways to freak myself out and go into a downward spiral of horrible thoughts about myself, my worth, etc. I need to get over this somehow, and I really want to stay with my boyfriend, because we'd be such a good fit and we have been such a good fit, when I'm okay. We grow and we learn from one another and love each other to bits, but we're both being realistic. It's been very difficult lately and I still have around 4 months until I'll be able to access actual therapy. I don't want to let him go and I'm hoping I can fight through it without losing him. 

What's your opinion? Any advice? Should I let him go find happiness somewhere else and struggle with my issues until I fix them outside of a relationship? Any tips for handling the awful thoughts better? Please help me, because I don't know if this post expresses it, but it's getting unbearable. Thank you for taking the time to read this, please respond if you can help me, I'd really appreciate it.

TL;DR: I'm in a long distance relationship while stranded alone in Spain completely alone, I've been struggling with my dad cheating on my mom constantly for 17 years without speaking to anyone, and this has transferred into all of my relationships, even though my current boyfriend is super supportive and tries to help me immensely. Possible anxiety and depression, but not diagnosed, just a flood of awful thoughts at all times. Please help me, tell me what you think, should I leave my boyfriend and let him have a better life, etc. Thank you. 


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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,557 Skive's The Limit

    i dont think you should break up with him because youre struggling. But you feel like youre both a good fit. This struggle may just be preparing you for the future and will make the relationship stronger. If youre a good fit for each other than he will understand. You just gotta talk about relationship with him and how this situation is affecting it and see what he thinks maybe? And four months isnt that long at all and we these sort of things i think patience is really important

    I think if you was to break up- you would struggle massively if youre very depenedent on his support 

    Are there things or hobbies you can do to distract yourself from thinking about your dad cheating instead of speaking about it with your partner as it may not be always helpful? Think its always important that we learn to look after ourselves and take care of ourselves so never too dependent on others. When are you guys gunna be next meeting? Maybe you could do something nice with each other and take mind away from any stresses

     I think if he has is issues than would be good to be supportive of them aswell - is youre not doing so already and to help it feel less like he is your therpaist. Is it a give and take relationship or are you just taking?

    Do you think its maybe time to tell your mum that he is cheating? I understand that would be v difficult. But its not fair on your mum or you. Maybe tell your dad that if he carries of cheating you will tell her and that way if he sees any worth within your mum he would stop. And if not then its really not fair for them to carry on that relationship and although would cause lots of upset, in the end it would be for the best?

    ultimately the descion to end the relationship is all yours but ask yourself ; do you see yourself in the relationship longer term after you get this therapy? Is the relationship massive strained because of your issues? Do you want to use your energy on the relationship or working on your self? Or is the realtionship just working on you? Are you happy to be in that relationship?

    so sorry for the many questions but i hope it helps you to think about it

    all the best
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    raindrop96raindrop96 Posts: 19 Settling in
    Hi, thanks for your reply. My mom found out ages ago and they had a massive fight and stuff, so I think she knows and she's made do with the situation. I've considered speaking to her, but it's not my place and I'm afraid of stirring up emotions that have died in her, like jealousy. 

    I don't know what I want anymore, I want to be with him, but it feels strained, I don't want it to be this way, we fight because of my anxiety, even though he tries to understand, so it's very difficult. I am very confused and feel sad for the possible outcomes. 

    I do have stuff I try to do, but it's overwhelming sometimes and the anxiety just takes over. I do try hard to occupy myself with other things. And my boyfriend and I are meeting in about 3 months, so it's still a long while. 

    It's all just a jumble in my brain, but thank you for your reply!
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    Lucy307Lucy307 Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    Hey @raindrop96

    Sorry to hear that you're going through this and are feeling alone in Spain at the moment  :/ sounds really tough. It sounds like your relationship is really good, though, and your boyfriend is supportive, which is reassuring. I had a similar experience at uni when I felt like I was dragging my partner down with my poor mental health but they should be there to support you through good and bad times, you will probably do the same for him at some point, and you will have better times!

    Please don't punish yourself with thoughts of what your parents have gone through either - it must be really hard because it went on for so long with you knowing, but that doesn't mean you can't have a great relationship and a great life of your own.

    I know you said you don't have the money for therapy, but have you tried online counselling? Understand phone counselling may be difficult as you're abroad, but there are a number of services that provide online counselling or even chatroom counselling for free, some are listed here: http://www.themix.org.uk/mental-health/mental-health-treatments/im-on-the-waiting-list-for-counselling-now-what-24784.html

    Hope that might help? Let us know how you get on :relaxed:

    - Lucy
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
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    raindrop96raindrop96 Posts: 19 Settling in
    Hey @Lucy307, thanks for your reply. I really hope you're right. I was actually just on the mix group chat support thingie and it was quite nice as a distraction and made me feel a bit better for a second. Thank you for saying you had a similar experience! That helps, I guess because it makes me feel less alone :) I will check out that link and see what there is as an option right now. Thanks again for replying, I appreciate it more than you know! Take care! 
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    Lucy307Lucy307 Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    I hope so too @raindrop96. So glad the group chat went well and that you feel less alone after talking on here. There are more people who have been in our situation than let on!! Let us know if you want to chat any more. Sending hugs  <3 
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
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