Post of the Month - September

vidhya

Hey everybody! These are the nominees for the Post of the Month (September). Have a look and vote for which one you think is the best response!

@maisie's post in the thread "Family stress"

Maisy wrote: »

Hey Shaunie,

​I care. I really relate to what you have been experiencing with the house falling apart, and things not getting fixed due to general shame of the state of the house and not knowing where to begin fixing things or who to contact (you don't want to come across rogue tradesmen). Not even having adequate heating and hot water. And clutter. Everywhere. It's horrible to live in such circumstances, I know. It's hard as well when you see everyone else living a 'normal' life and yet being unable to talk about your situation.

​It's good that you are out of that situation now. But I do understand the complicated feelings you have towards your mother, especially seeing as she continues to live like that. Your feelings are understandable though. While I can't say for sure what is going on with your mother, it looks like she my be struggling but perhaps in denial as well. She may even have mental health issues herself, but you are right though in that this doesn't excuse how your parents treated you (but it can help in understanding why these things have happened e.g. it's common for sufferers of depression to neglect themselves, which can make it harder when bringing up children as well).

​It sounds like your dad cares for your mother a lot, but also perhaps not in the healthiest of ways e.g. doing everything for her and going along with delusions. Ideally, it would help if your dad was able to talk your mother into seeing a doctor or therapist for possible mental health issues, though I understand that denial and delusions can be strong.

​You've been through a lot with your family, especially in terms of neglect which can be difficult to spot and tends to be ignored or not seen as bad as abuse, when it's actually just as damaging. You have every right to feel the way you do and understandably reminders like hearing your mothers voice can cause feelings of anger inside you. However, as you have realised, getting angry may only make the situation worse since. I'm sorry to hear that your mother said those things. It's clear that she may be in denial and perhaps sees abuse and homelessness as a bad life and may not realise that what has happened with your family is just as bad.

​You are not the problem, but it sounds like you are caught up in the problem. And paying for two houses is costly and as you have said, it's unlikely that this will be able to continue forever. It's entirely up to you whether to forgive or not. Forgiveness isn't a free pass to continue the same patterns, but instead, is a gift to yourself in that you can let go of the anger so that it doesn't hold power over you. But it's totally okay to not forgive as well, especially when you remember the darker moments. I don't think many people would deliberately put a child in that living situation (it's possible though) as it's often a mixture of poor mental health and other factors. But equally for a child to go through this, it can be devastating.

​It's very understandable that you would felt that moving into a decent house would solve things and I can't imagine how it must be for you to feel the same way and realise that things are still stressful. You don't have to be fine, or happy, or forget about the past either. It doesn't help to ruminate though and while you may not see yourself moving out anytime soon, it may help to think about the future that you want for yourself and try to find ways of working towards that (it helps me at least). And while counselling won't solve all your problems, it can give an outside perspective, validate your feelings, figure out ways of healthily coping with your emotions and perhaps even trying to find ways of how you can help your parents (and if not, how you can cope with the situation anyway).

​It's possible that your parents do care about you but with their own struggles, don't know how to help you or themselves. And it can be very difficult trying to break that delusion because it's often formed as a protection for not knowing how to cope and feeling overwhelmed. I'm not sure if it's worth a try, but it can help by getting educated on things like mental health, particularly depression and hoarding (which can often happen after a loss of some sorts). Some people are able to feel connected to others that feel the same way so programmes like obsessive compulsive hoarders can give insight, to you and your family. Sometimes just getting a dialogue going can help to break the delusion. Also, you may want to look into counsellors that offer family therapy, since it may be possible to explore what's going on, even by yourself (it is possible for one family member to start changing things in the family, even if they are the only one that attends).

​It's unlikely that you are deluded since you can physically see what's going on (though I understand that it can be confusing when this is the situation that you have been brought up in).

@Esme17's post in the thread "MENTAL ISSUES?!"

Esme17 wrote: »

Hey! Hope your doing okay?

I'm not sure how much help i can be to you but i am always here to listen if you wanted someone to talk to?
In some ways i am similar to you in the fact that i hate opening up to people and keep my feelings to myself. I understand how hard that can be, especially when you want to talk to someone about things but get too scared.
You said that you are feeling more unhappy recently and it is understandable that you dont want to talk to your parents. I dont speak to my parents about things and thats why i find it really helpful on here because i can find people to talk to that listen and understand.
Have you thought about going to your GP and talking to them about how you are feeling and then they might be able to help you with what to do next? If you dont want to do that, maybe try the chats here for a bit to build the confidence in speaking to people like i am doing at the moment?

Im sorry if this hasent been very helpful for you. I'm always here you you though!

@AzathKelara's post in the thread "Worried about my friend"

AzathKelara wrote: »

imo, tell her that you're concerned for her wellbeing and you genuinely care about her. and if it's no burden to you, tell her that you're willing to listen to her vent, though always with a disclaimer that sometimes the best you can do is only listen, though encouragement can be nice if you can offer it, depressed people tend to..only think in black and whites (amongst other thought patterns) and often that means for example "i did one terrible thing" = "i am always terrible", so showing them that actually it's not black and white and they did good too can help (sometimes people won't reply when those thoughts are challenged because they realise that they can't argue, sometimes you have to spend a while convincing them that they're worth something), the same for any other bad thoughts like that - like if they think the future is glum try to show them how many opportunites for happiness in some form are ahead of them. in your case i presume it's likely you may be able to comfort her about not fitting in. (though always remember you come first! if you ever can't listen to someone vent, then say it, express that it's not because you don't care but you have other stuff going on, and suggest they seek someone else, a place like this, or writing it down somewhere instead)

when she's feeling bad about something ask her what she wants you to do - sometimes it may be listening to a rant, sometimes it may be that she just wants a distraction and you should talk about something else - the best way to know is simply to ask!

and if she should ever vent to you, unless they state they just want to be left alone, always try to finish the conversation with something happy - like an inside joke or anything you know makes them smile. they'll appreciate it and it could lead to an entirley new conversation that distracts them from the thing they were originally sad about! unless of course they just ask to be left alone, in which case don't.

i'm sorry you lost your friend! sometimes there's nothing we can do to stop people ending their lives - ultimately, it's their decision, and sometimes even friends can't help...and when one doesn't have access to reasonable quality health care in those times, things can...well..yeah. i hope it won't repeat itself! but if it ever gets bad enough for her that they consider suicide, that's a huge red flag for needing to let a professional know - though it's 4am so i can't dig up any specific advice for that right now, perhaps someone else/mods know better here though!

@Cora Legis's post in the thread "I need a hug"

Cora Legis wrote: »

I don't know how much this helps but I've read what you've posted and offer you a virtual hug