I put too much pressure on myself & backed out of a date. I really regret my decision

Former Member

Like 2 months ago, I met this girl that I got on with so incredibly well. I've never gotten on that well with anyone before. We were really attracted to each other and things were going fantastically.

As we talked, it transpired that she had suffered (in the past) from depression and anxiety so we had a lot in common. She mentioned that she had a history of self harm (she no longer self harms though) which didn't bother me at the time.

We started talking more and more and we agreed we'd go on a date but because of stuff going on both our ends, we would keep it open. Anyway, I talked to her some more and she went on to mention that she could be very feisty and was infamous for telling people to fuck off.

That really got to me, I was worried that she would be confrontational. I just had to break away from a group of really toxic friends who handled social situations in a similar manner and I was terrified of ending up back in that place again.

At the same time, I still really liked her. I still wanted to at least give things a try. But at this point, I started to worry about how I might upset her and potentially hurt her if I got into something with her knowing full well theres something thats bothering me. I blew it completely out of proportion in my head and said that I couldn't handle a relationship right now and backed away.

I was really sad about what I did after. We got on so so well, and I missed her. I got back in touch with her a little while later and asked her out again. She mentioned she was dating but she'd love to stay friends and totally understood.

Anyway, the one day we were talking and she mentioned how she was waking up at her boyfriends, that he was still asleep and that she had a great weekend, that she was doing really well with him. Later on we talked a bit about life, at which point she said to me "We don't always get whats best for us though, do we?", then saying "Sometimes theres a period of time where we have to go for an opportunity while its there.". I felt a little put out, because she knew I still liked her, but I know that if I'm going to be friends with her I need to accept that shes going to want to talk about her boyfriend.


I don't know where I'm going with this. I just feel really hurt. Not so much because of her, but because of what I did to myself. On one side, I feel like I maybe(?) made the right choice because of her confrontational side... But then on the other, Im kind of gutted that I didn't go out with someone I got on so incredibly well with.

Siena

Heya

Sorry youre struggling with feelings of regret. Understand thats frustating and upsetting now.
But you left that relationship for a reason and was something you wanted at that time. Which i think counts for a lot & should trust your intital thoughts. It sounds like her confrontional side would not go well with you at all anyway. And also because theres not much you can do now (understandably still really difficult) but atm you can only be happy for your future relationship and for theirs. And who knows, you could end up dating her again.

But i agree that you would need to accept the relationship and the fact she will talk about it. Otherwise without accepting it then it would be hard to keep a friendship that doesnt feel is doing more harm than good

Former Member

Hey @Past User
I understand why you had reservations about the relationship after your past experience with the friends you mention! It's really easy for us to act rashly when you're unsure/scared.

It must be really difficult to hear her talk about her boyfriend though when you still have feelings for her. I don't think that's necessarily something you have to accept. If she is aware that you still like her in that way, it's not really fair of her to talk about her boyfriend to you. You could always try subtly changing the subject if she starts to talk about him and maybe she'll realise you don't really want to discuss it? Also, I wonder if being her friend definitely something you want? I think that must be really difficult if you find you are as attracted to her as you say.

It makes sense that you're feeling annoyed at yourself for backing off, but try not to be too hard on yourself. You had good reasons at the time you made the decision and it's usually not a good idea to launch into anything when you still have reservations, so you were just trying to protect yourself.

It's probably not easy to see it now, but it's highly unlikely that this will be the only opportunity you have to go out with someone you get on incredibly well with! Maybe you won't get another opportunity with this specific girl (but then again maybe you will, who knows?), but I'm sure it won't be too long before you get the opportunity again!

Former Member

Hey @Past User

I can totally understand having regret over a decision to do with dating and have definitely experienced similar things myself. It can be really difficult to work out what the right thing to do is at any point, and its always easy to look back and think how doing the other thing would have been better. Its quite easy to romanticise the idea of a relationship, most of us do it at some point. 

You could perhaps try and see it like this... you were alarmed by something about this person, it gave you cause for concern and you exercised that concern, and that is a completely valid reaction. 

It can definitely been seen as a positive that you recognised something you didn't like, especially because you'd experienced something similiar with a group of friends and then decided to keep your distance because of that. 

Feeling like you may have missed out on what could have been a good relationship with someone you got on well with may well be better than the feeling of hurt you may have felt if you started a relationship that wasn't right for you. 

How does it feel talking to her now? Are you generally hoping something may still happen? Or is it just because you get on well? What is keeping in contact doing for you? 

I'm sure there will be lots more people you get on with really well that you meet in the future. How do you feel about that? 

Thanks for sharing, its great that you have. Thanks for being open, I think its special and important. It's something I've definitely felt a few times in my life and it was good to hear your story, as I really relate.
I hope you feel okay.

Thanks, 

- PuffinEthics

Former Member

Hey @Past User,

I completely agree with everyone's responses here.

It's really easy to feel regretful of the actions we could have taken and not knowing what could have happened if we chose to do something differently. It's completely normal, and it's almost inevitable, with there being so many possibilities to begin with! It can be really tough when you think about what could have been, especially if you're not so pleased with the present as it is, but I think it's quite an important skill for us humans to be able to reflect and move on. Of course, we can and we should appreciate how we feel for as it is, and not necessarily try to dismiss those feelings as being invalid - we can't control our emotions, but we can control how we act upon them. If you feel regretful, then feel regretful. Don't be afraid from these feelings, they're completely normal and valid, but what is important is that we know we have the strength to move on and leave the past in the past afterwards, since we cannot change the past, but we shape our future ourselves, to an extent (luck and chance has a big role in how our lives shape out, it is just as it is, but, if we accept that some things are simply beyond our control, it takes a large sense of guilt or burden off of our shoulders).

Similarly, at the time, you felt uncomfortable and apprehensive about what could have been if you continued to see this person romantically, and you did what you thought would be best for you at the time. That's completely fine, and even though you may want to have done things differently now, hind sight is a thing we're just not blessed with when it matters most. I like to believe things happen for a reason - if it's meant to be, it'll be. Please don't dwell on the past, as tempting as it is, and focus on appreciating the present; one day, you might even be wishing to come back to now and do things differently!

For now, if you're happy with staying friends with her, then appreciate your time with her as friends! If you find it painful to be around her, or to talk with her, as she is now dating someone, then I wouldn't overthink it too much, and, at the least, spend some time away from her (but not necessarily isolate yourself completely!!). There's no need to force yourself into situations that make you feel bad because you THINK it might not be so bad. You can always come back, if this happens to be the case, once you feel more up to it, and it's fine if this takes a day, or years.

-peachysoo