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Not Coping.

ShatteredSecretsShatteredSecrets NoobPosts: 186 Boards Initiate
I don't really know where to start with all this. It has been a while since I have posted on the boards and I'm not even sure if it is the right thing to do at this point. Even if nobody even reads or responds... I suppose I should start from the beginning.

Basically recently I have come to a realisation which feels absolutely horrifying to me. Like I cannot get my head around any of it. All of this just seems so inconceivable. Anyways.. after this I went to see a youth worker who I see on and off. As I went in there I decided there was no way I was going to tell her. Not a chance. But then the question was asked. She asked if I wanted to tell her... my brain was screaming NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO YOU ARE NOT TELLING HER DONT YOU DARE. but before I could listen my mouth just started spewing it out. Like I could not stop it... I just kept talking and It was like I was outside of my body looking at this conversation and like I wanted to shake myself and scream WTF R U DOING YOU ARE GOING TO DESTROY EVERYTHING YOU'VE EVER KNOWN.

Then came the silence.. closely followed by the guilt and the regret. This was on tuesday. I am now not coping with the fact that someone else knows one of my biggest secrets. It is something I have never told anyone in my life. How do I deal with that? This now feels real and I'm afraid. I keep verging on crisis upon crisis. My self harm is constant.. my suicidal thoughts are more intense and linger. Like... what do I do? It seems like there is no help or support anywhere. I'm just so scared and feel so alone.

I just want to disappear.

I am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.

Comments

  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 0 Literally just got here
    Bottling up our most awful feelings gives us a false sense of security. On the one hand by keeping everything locked away makes us feel we can't be criticised or got at, but on the other we are left feeling unable to cope with everything that has mounted up. I have been in your situation where something had to give, or I would have imploded. I reached out to the nearest person, the one I loved and asked her to help me. Slowly I opened up. Sometimes I felt so clammed up that all I could do was write my feelings on a scrap of paper. My closest friend encouraged me to keep writing. Every day I would write down something, even it was just one word. ie. Fear. or, 'Hating Myself'. One day at a time my friend let me talk about that one hard place I was in. But it was me who had to reach out, and I believe you can do this, too.

    Self-harm, mood swings, paranoia, feelings of wanting to end it all were constantly in my thoughts. Look at these http://www.themix.org.uk/mental-health

    Is there something you could relate to? Not saying you have borderline personality disorder, could you read this and think about it?

    http://www.themix.org.uk/mental-health/personality-disorders/bpd-borderline-personality-disorder-26840.html

    From that day on, my closest friend asked me to make a "To Do" list. It was to help me each day. I realised my feelings had become burnt out. Emotionally, mentally, feeling unappreciated, helpless, sometimes resentful and always feeling tired.

    And from this, I want you to start a start the day with a relaxing ritual. Rather than crawling out of bed on waking, spend 15 minutes meditating, then writing up your feelings, doing gentle stretches, or reading something that inspires you. We all have a favourite book, so this is a good start. Next time you are to see your youth worker, then you will have something they and you to start on.

    I would like you to come back and tell me how you got on. You don't have to. But I will be here for you.

    Mandy :wave:

  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 9,226 Supreme Poster
    Heya,
    I hear what youre saying with the fact that now you have said it it feels more real. But wonder if a part of you feels some sort of relief too? and like youre not alone in it in anymore - knowing someone else knows

    Sorry youre struggling so much. I dont have much encoruaging words but from experience it can definetly feel more real. - But now it isnt so much of a secret. Soon you may feel better? - they do say- secrets can make you sick. Which i certainly agree with -i feel like theres nothing more distressing & lonely than holding an untold thing, esp if it was something that affects you massively. It seems like something you felt you had to get out so do hope you feel but better soon

    Take care
    if you have the strength to sustain anorexia you have the strength to overcome it
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