Basically recently I have come to a realisation which feels absolutely horrifying to me. Like I cannot get my head around any of it. All of this just seems so inconceivable. Anyways.. after this I went to see a youth worker who I see on and off. As I went in there I decided there was no way I was going to tell her. Not a chance. But then the question was asked. She asked if I wanted to tell her... my brain was screaming NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO YOU ARE NOT TELLING HER DONT YOU DARE. but before I could listen my mouth just started spewing it out. Like I could not stop it... I just kept talking and It was like I was outside of my body looking at this conversation and like I wanted to shake myself and scream WTF R U DOING YOU ARE GOING TO DESTROY EVERYTHING YOU'VE EVER KNOWN.
Then came the silence.. closely followed by the guilt and the regret. This was on tuesday. I am now not coping with the fact that someone else knows one of my biggest secrets. It is something I have never told anyone in my life. How do I deal with that? This now feels real and I'm afraid. I keep verging on crisis upon crisis. My self harm is constant.. my suicidal thoughts are more intense and linger. Like... what do I do? It seems like there is no help or support anywhere. I'm just so scared and feel so alone.
I just want to disappear.
I am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.