Reaching out (CW: self-harm, possible codependency)

butternutcookies

So for almost a year now, I have occasionally self-harmed as a way of dealing with emotions, and recently it’s been getting more frequent. I also keep pushing myself to be there for other people and have difficulty setting boundaries. It’s rare that I allow anyone to support me, even though I know people would be there if I opened up, and I realise I make excuses not to tell anyone about my self-harm or anything else – I don’t want to worry them, I don’t want to talk about the reasons behind my behaviours. I think part of it is being ashamed of how I feel and act, as those around me go through a lot and seem to deal with it better than I handle minor problems. I feel really pathetic for my inability to assert myself or talk about problems constructively.

Also I know the word shouldn’t be used at all lightly, but I think I am in a codependent relationship. I am seriously worried for my partner’s safety if I should ever want to reduce the intensity of our relationship or even break it off, and I keep agreeing to giving more time and energy into the relationship to allay any fears about my loyalty. I don’t know if I’m even in the right place to have a relationship, I don’t know if I want this.

My parents are getting increasingly worried about me, with regards to my relationship (they don’t know about the self-harm) and get frustrated at me shutting them out all the time, which they have every right to feel. I hate that I’m doing this to them, I just feel so hopeless right now. I don’t know how to change anything and my mind shuts down when I think about the future.

At the same time I have a lot of good things in my life and people I love and who love me, and things like a roof over my head and knowing where my next meal is coming from, which I try never to take for granted and am so, so grateful for.

Siena

Hey!

I realise is can be hard to open up about how youre feelin but glad you have here. I dont think you should worry about worrying them as they would much prefer you to be open with you now so that they have a chnace to help you because they just care. I think the people who love you would much prefer to share how youre feeling than you to cope by yourself.

It seems like youre minimising how youre feeling? Which i think a lot of people do. But just because some people may seem to have it ‘’worse off’’ it doesnt mean how youre feeling is any less. You say youre grateful of things like roof over your head ect - and i agree it is always helpful to be grateful but that doesnt change how youre feeling. And is not what that is around us that provide us with happiness but more internal. From living in poverty when i was young - i know i was less depressed than how i am now. And what am trying to say that is your feeling matter. Like you wouldnt exactly tell someone that their good news doesnt mean anything cause you heard better news somewhere else- the same with feelings. All valid.

Also no need to feel ashamed of these. We all at some point are struggling with something, some more than others but it is okay to struggle and not shameful thing and seeking help is okay to do😊

Have you spoken about some feelings you have about your realtionship to your partner? Thy could be understanding and supportive. I know can be hard thing to do and if dont fele comfortbale can always text or write it to them

Take care