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RicochetRicochet Posts: 13 Settling in
in Health & Wellbeing
I am so lonely. However, around 15 minutes ago I was bouncing around saying that I was going to change. I don't feel sad, or maybe I do. I have become so accustomed to being pessimistic and sad, I now just feel ill and empty and heavy. I get angrily too easily. I am developing a porn addiction to help get some happiness. But, I have only been diagnosed with Anxiety because I didn't want to expose myself as the horrid person I am. I strongly believe that I have BPD and my family rejects the idea but all of these things I have kept secret from them. I tried to hurt myself, doesn't do shit and I don't want to do drugs or self-medicate because I'm not an idiot. Every time I get an episode, eventually my head will bring me down with thoughts. I always get left behind by people and I get clingy to people really easily. I have a bad habit of treating uncles like my father because my own left when I was young. But of course, I am a nephew and not the son. No one actually loves me. People can't leave me alone at school and insult and mock me, bringing me unwanted attention, touching my black hair because 'it's cool'. I try to ignore these things but I get so whelmed up quick. My head is in such a state and I am craving to masturbate to numb the thoughts. I hate talking about myself because no one cares about my 'mental' state and are quick to put me down. I have been depressed for a long time and I don't need a fucking diagnosis to tell me that. Sometimes, I imagine killing myself and it makes me happy. In my head, I tell myself to shut up because I'm overreacting but I'm not. A separate group of thoughts that are not 'me' manipulating me to believe something is not real. I can't think straight and most of my days are me fighting voices in my head (I mean thoughts but nowadays they are really forward). I want this feeling to stop and my outburst of immense joy is diminishing so I am barely happy. I feel like people are manipulating me. I have delusional thoughts to help me get through the day, I used to, and kinda do to some extent, believe that I was special and meant to be a very important person in the world. My head and body hurts so much. I can't do daily activities because I am always tired. Please help me, I can't do this and I just want to feel numb. I want to kill myself.

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    butternutcookiesbutternutcookies Posts: 3 Newbie
    Hi Ricochet,

    It sounds like you're going through an incredibly rough time, and it's really good that you've reached out - it takes a lot of courage to do.

    Whatever you might think now, you *are* an important person, and what you are going through does matter. It might not feel this way, but things can change and get better for you in the future. Often, feelings like this become overwhelming to the point where you don't see any way out, but many people do manage to move past suicidal feelings and live fulfilling lives. The fact that you've posted here shows you can start taking steps to help yourself, and reaching out is such an important part of that. You don't have to go through this alone, there are people here to listen to what you have to say and give support.

    It sounds from what you've said that loneliness and feeling shut out by people is a huge part of the issue - are there any clubs or societies you could join to find like-minded people, or perhaps people who have experienced similar things to you in life?

    Also, I would recommend talking to a doctor about all of this - I know you don't need an official diagnosis to know how you feel, but talking to a doctor and potentially getting a diagnosis if necessary could give you the chance to get long-term support such as counselling or CBT. It is also the chance to talk to someone in person who won't dismiss what you're going through, and will give you the concern and hopefully the care you deserve. If you can, it could also be good to talk to your parents about the things you haven't, to give them a better understanding of what you're going through.

    For now, Mind has a really helpful page on suicidal feelings: https://www.mind.org.uk/information-.../#.WudVmojwY2w

    Let us know how things go for you,
    Take care,

    butternutcookies.
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,500 Skive's The Limit
    Heya

    So sorry to hear youre struggling so much & are suicidal :( . I think when we feel so ‘accustomed’/normal to be sad. - That we maybe fear of feeling anything else and get comfortbale with it? Cause you dont know any different so lil scary - Or feel dont deserve to get better? Idk, Do you feel like that? Because that thought process can be pretty harmful & stop ourself from feeling or getting better

    It is not a delustional thought to think - youre special and important to the world- Because everyone is and just facts not deulstional. We all have worth and does seem like maybe youre harsh on yourself.

    Is there anyone you do/could reach out to? Family, friend or your doctor?

    Take care
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    PuffinEthicsPuffinEthics Posts: 74 Budding Regular
    Hey @Ricochet,

    Thanks for sharing your story, it's important, and I'm sorry to hear that things are difficult for you at the moment.

    First, I wanted to say that you aren't a horrid person, and I don't think anyone at the Mix here would think you are. Your having a tough time, and that's okay.
    You say your using porn as a bit of an escape? Are there other things you can do to make yourself feel good?
    It's really important to make sure you're looking after yourself, and do things to make yourself feel good and that's easy to let slip when you are feeling down. What could you do to give yourself sometime out, and just chill out for a bit? What stuff do you like to do?

    Did you get your diagnoses of anxiety through a GP? It could be an idea to go back to your GP if you have, or go to them for the first time to discuss how you are feeling? Giving them the whole picture could help them help you, they are supposed to be impartial too so I'd try not to worry about them making any judgements, they are there to help you and make sure your body and mind are healthy.

    Is there someone you can talk to about people giving you a hard time at school? I can imagine thats really hard to deal with, so there's no shame in asking someone for help.

    Thinking that you are important and have something to offer the world isn't delusional, that is something I think about myself, and something I have to remind myself when I'm finding things hard, most people are in that position, or could relate to that I would say.

    Out of all of things you've shared with us, you've also mentioned that you were happy thinking about change, what does change mean for you?
    Do you go up and down like that often?

    Here are some things you could try out
    https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/depression/self-care-for-depression/#.WutzwtMvz9A

    Also, do you feel like you could talk to your family a little more about how you feel? Maybe that could help.

    Thank you,

    Puffin Ethics :rainbow2:
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