Being groomed when I was 15....

One-in-a-million

So the actual experience of what happened didn’t particularly effect me massively as I never let him bring me into a false sense of love. I however didn’t block him for reasons I don’t know why..

So anyway what actually happened?
I was 15 and had a messege from a man, lets call him Jack. He said he lived in ... and really liked my profile picture he asked to be friends on Facebook and I lied and said that my mum can check my friends list so I wasn’t allowed (didn’t want him to access my friends list or my other photos.)

I would had said he was at least 30-40ish he kept saying how nice I looked, I don’t remember if he asked me for photos but I know 100% I didn’t share any pictures with him. He asked me where about I lived and I just kept saying England even though he wanted to know the town, I didn’t tell him. He said he wanted to meet me and wanted me to give him 2 babys 1 boy and 1 girl.

I don’t remember much else and I think I just stopped speaking to him or blocked him (not sure)

Thing is this has only just come back to mind due to seeing something similar in the paper (not the same guy.) But now I have a bad feeling of guilt!!

I knew when I was 15 it was wrong but didn’t say anything to anyone because I thought I’d be in trouble for speaking to someone online who I didn’t know.

The only people I told was my friends when I sartes to get a bit nervous that he was going to get to me some how (he was very presistent I tell him my location) they told me to tell a teacher but I didn’t.

Anyway the guilt comes from being older now and realising how serious it was! I feeling guilty wondering if he spoke to any other teenagers and heven forbid hurt anyone.

I knew I was never going to meet him even though I got nervous in case he tracked me down. But what if he actually got a young person to believe that he actually loved them and convince them to meet him.

I have been wondering if I could find an old conversation or something but I can’t so it’s not even as if I can go to the police and report him as a potential peadophile.

I had a chance to stop him but I didn’t!!!!

Feeling guilty

Former Member

Hi there @One-in-a-million

I hope your okay, that's a lot to be dealing with, and thank you for reaching out and sharing.

Try not to feel guilty, because you really haven't done anything wrong. It wasn't up to you to stop anyone, and it isn't now. You are not responsible for anyone else's actions at all. It's not up to the victims of online grooming to stop anyone, because they aren't the ones doing anything wrong.
You did the right thing by not giving any specific information away and that protected you.

In retrospect most of us would do everything a bit differently, realising how serious it is now, doesn't mean you acted incorrectly at the time.

Have you spoken to anyone about it in depth like a counsellor or anything? It could help to talk through the feelings of guilt as they are often associated with situations that involve manipulation like grooming. Maybe it could make a difference for you?

We're here to listen and to help as much as we can,

Thank you,

PuffinEthics:rainbow2:

Former Member

Hi One-in-a-million,

I'm sorry to hear about your experience, it must've been quite scary and horrible to think about even now:(

Going back on what PuffinEthics has said, you haven't done anything wrong and you're not responsible for anyone else's actions; you can only control your own actions, so please don't feel guilty. Naturally, in retrospect, it's easy to feel regretful about what you could have done differently, and the actions you could have taken, but you need to remember that, at the time, in that specific environment and situation, things aren't always ideal and it can be really tough to even consider these options, let alone carry them out.

My best suggestion is to try focus on the present, and not linger on the past, because it can be quite detrimental sometimes, and cause you to harbour bad feelings. I also agree with PuffinEthics' suggestion about talking to someone about it, just to help you gain a sort of closure to the experience, otherwise how could you fully get over these feelings? I think it'd be just as good, if you'd rather not see someone (I understand that can also be quite scary), to feel free to talk about it on here, or if you kept a journal and wrote about how you feel there, just so not to keep everything bottled up.

Best wishes
-peachysoo

Former Member

Hi @One-in-a-million,

I am sorry for your experience and disgusted by this kind of people! They are on of the reasons why it is dangerous for children or teenagers to surf the net. You shouldn't feel guilty as you didn't do anything wrong. You were just a teenager and It's really understandable the way you reacted, as you felt scared and you was afraid of telling it to anybody. If I think about myself at that age, I believe that I would have highly possibly reacted the same way!
When things like this happen, the problem is that the "victim" may feel guilty, although it's the other person who actually has to take full responsibility and guilt.
Don't blame yourself for what happened. I agree about the closure part and you could either consider talking about it with someone or maybe getting involved in some organizations that deal with this kind of internet problems in order to prevent stalkers to find teenagers on the net1

- Fran

Siena

I think that is all very misplaced guilt. You was also vulnerable (cause of your age maybe) and may of not known how to approach tbe situation even if you knew it was wrong. Sadly i remmeber one point getting quite a handful of these sorts of messages (maybe was same person) and some were actually got really disturbing- the most i ever did was report it to facebook and sometimes didnt report it at all and i don’t know why. But you wouldnt make someone feel guilty for that? I don’t know -should i feel guilty now? You are in no way responsible for how someone treats or behaves. That blame is ALL on them -Has taken me a while to realise that. You shouldnt feel that responsiblity as you were inocent. Sometimes we can be hard on ourselves but you wouldnt blame someone else if they told you

One-in-a-million

Hi guys so sorry for my late ass reply been a mad couple of weeks.

I think my guilt comes from being qualified in child care. This means I’m qualified to look after children and young adults up to the age of 18. One aspect of my job is safe gaurding and if a young person came to me with that problem I would have to report it to the police. I suppose it’s made me think of others he may have messaged. But actually the way Shaunie has put it I would never blame a young person for this (including you Shunie) so it does put it into prospective of I shouldn’t blame myself or feel guilty. I was a young person myself when it happened after all.

I actually haven’t thought about counselling as I don’t think I need it to be honest as it’s not effecting me as it used to. In fact up until I saw that news article I had completely forgot about it (is that weird?)

I do think that I feel a little bit vunrable when it comes to relationships and it takes me a while to feel comfortable in them. But thats down to being sexually bullied at school.

I actually haven’t thought about joining an organisation to prevent this from happening
Thank you for all your replies

Former Member

Hey one-in-a-million,

I think it’s really good you feel able to share this now, well done for having the courage to do that. It’s obviously been weighing on your mind. It’s normal to feel guilty about not telling someone about something like this, but you can’t blame yourself for his actions! You also can’t blame your 15 year old self for not telling anyone at the time. It’s understandable that at 15 you didn’t want to say anything to anyone else.

The fact is that even if you had reported him at the time it is unlikely the police would have been able to find out who he was based on your interaction with him. These people are notoriously difficult to identify and catch. You mustn’t think of it as that you had the chance to stop him and didn’t. You were in a vulnerable position too, and you cannot blame yourself for not reporting it, or for not blocking him. The thing is, you wouldn’t have been able to see things at the time as you do now that you are older. I think you have done the best and only thing you can do, which is to talk about it, and I hope that this will allow you to forgive your 15 year old self and let go of your feelings of guilt.

One-in-a-million

Is it strange that this hadn’t dawned on me properly until I actually wrote this thred. I suppose I need to remember that I was 15 at the time and I would never blame any victim of grooming.