Drowning.

13Ellie

Lately i feel as though ive been sinking, or drowning. Ive gotten so low that i can no longer see the top, see the hope. The only end i can see is down, and i dont want to go there (although sometimes im not sure). Im hurting and the sad thing is that im a coward, i dont tell anyone anything and bottle it up, i hurt myself as a way to control my emotions, to dicate which pain i feel and when. I know its stupid but i cant do anything else. I havent told anyone that i feel like this, im worried they wont understand or will treat me like im made of glass. i dont want that, i want a normal life, with friends, happiness, sadness, everything. I dont want to face it alone but im scared that if i tell someone theyll leave me and i cant deal with that. It may be selfish to not tell anyone, to keep them in the dark but i dont see any foreseeable way that telling them will end well. I feel like a lost child, scrambling through the dark, searching for something that i may not find, that i may not want to find and i know that i have to give up at some point but i want to keep fighting, for those i love and care about, for those who love and care about me. but im just not sure that i can.

Eyepatch

Sounds like you're going through a tough time, but you are not a coward, you've been really brave to talk about your feelings here. You've taken the first step to finding help and that's incredibly brave,

How about looking over what the mix has to say about self-harm? Those pages might help you. You are not stupid, plenty of people want control over pain and turn to self-harm, there are pages on themix with more information. Maybe try giving some of them a read to find some advice that can help. - http://www.themix.org.uk/mental-health/self-harm

There are always people around you who want to help, sometimes when we are suffering they become harder to see and harder to reach but you can do it, you've already reached out here and when you feel comfortable enough you can reach out to those around you. It can be scary imaging they might leave, but you should try and talk to someone you trust when you feel ready. Or speak to a doctor, they can't tell anyone else how you feel (unless they think you are in danger) so you can relax and speak openly without worrying, they can give you advice and help with your situation.

You can have a normal life and it's great that you want to keep fighting, you can keep going and you can make it through this. There will always be someone who wants to help you and places you can go, online or offline.

Invisible_me

Hi 13Ellie.

It sounds like you are feeling quite overwhelmed and down. Often when we feel like this we can seem to feel as if there is nothing left or no hope almost and that the only way there is to go is go down.

It may not seem like it now but things will get better and improve. There is another way and direction you can go apart from going down.

It can be horrible confiding into someone's but sometimes that is the best thing to do- you are not alone on this and thre are so many people going through similar things.

Fighting through the whole thing can seem daunting and unachievable- sometimes it's just about surviving each day each minute as it comes in small steps and then you will realise how much you have accomplished in those small steps.

Take care,
In-me

PuffinEthics

Hi @13Ellie

Thanks for sharing how your feeling, it's good you've reached out to us at the mix. @Eyepatch[/USER] and [USER="102884"]Invisible_me have given some great responses, and that's a good way to show you aren't alone, because you aren't.

It sounds like your going through a really rough time, but like the others have said, there will be ups and downs, not just downs for you on your road ahead.
Try not to feel cowardly, everyone can find it difficult to share how they are feeling, it is not an easy thing to do, but not doing it doesn't make you a coward at all.
You've said you are worried that people won't understand or will treat you differently, you've also said you think telling people won't end well? What are your concerns? Maybe it'll help to work through them with us here?

That feeling of scrambling through the dark could be familiar with a lot of people here on the mix forums, it certainly is with me.
The uncertainty that comes with working your way through the difficult times is sometimes just as difficult as the time its self, could reaching out to friends and family actually make some of it all a bit clearer for you?

Would you like to share what things are bringing you down? Is there anything particular?

It can be very difficult to share things, but you've taken a big step to share here, and your want to keep fighting is admirable and so positive, maybe the next step is sharing with those closer to you, or spending a bit of time on the forums here working it out?

Thanks,

PuffinEthics:rainbow2:

pumpkinpie

Hiya 13Ellie,

First of all, it definitely wasn’t cowardly to reach out for help on here, that’s a big step to take and you should be proud of yourself for doing it.

If you’re not comfortable with telling people right now, perhaps sharing with people here on TheMix as PuffinEthics suggested can help, as it can prepare you for telling someone for real, and you will get amazing support from the community here. Bottling it up isn’t a great idea.

Remember that even the smallest step you take is an achievement, no matter how trivial you think it is. I’m glad you want to keep fighting, try and keep that positivity to drive you forward. You CAN do this!

Remember there’s lots of useful articles here on TheMix, like the one Eyepatch mentioned, covering a wide range of topics if you need some more information.

Let us know how you’re doing

Pumpkin