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So, here's a rant on whatever's wrong with me!

has0120has0120 Posts: 1 Just got here
Here's a quick breakdown of what this whole rant is gonna include: My life, I think I could be a psychopath or something, I'm an insomniac, depressed but I have no reason to be, my kind of messed up high school life of plots to murder, rape, or rob people (we never went ahead with any of these, just made the plans), my weirdo leader personality, and strange instant knowledge of who I'm going to be friends with.

First of all, I'm 15, male. I'm an introvert, really skinny and kinda small. Not good at sports either. For a while, I thought I was a psychopath because I don't really have any empathy or something, for example; I guess I just don't care enough when I should, I'm not squeamish since when we were brought in an animal's heart for science, I wasn't repulsed at all, not even by the smell or blood. From what I've heard they seem to be a lot worse than me. I don't have any charm that I know of, and although I'm skinny, small, and terrible at sports I'm happy with my body. However, I feel depressed without any justification at all. Like I said earlier, a lot of things don't affect me. My parents divorced and while my parents were crying, I was lying in bed annoyed that I'd have to keep going between each parent and that I would be able to get onto my computer every night. The thing is, I do care about people- but apparently, psychopaths don't. I know when I'm supposed to be upset about things, and when I should comfort people.

I'm a good listener, and while I may suck at knowing where I'm going when I'm outside. I've learnt a lot, stuff like people don't want to hear your experience. They want sympathy (I do too, but I don't- because I know people won't be able to make me feel better even if they try) instead of a way to fix things and be happy- although I know that this'll never solve the problem. People always talk about themselves, and although I have a small but very close group of friends, I haven't ever told any of them about how I think I might be a psychopath or sociopath, or that I'm depressed. They've come to me to talk about their problems though, and it's crazy because they have real reasons to be unhappy and I don't. Sure, my parents separated but I don't feel anything about that. I guess my reason is that I don't tell anybody? Who knows, nobody cares and whenever I tell somebody they give me a solution that makes me feel worse. Talking about it has always ended in me feeling worse about myself. Either that or people say that I'm just making it up for sympathy.

On the relationship side of things, I've closed myself off. I'm definitely NOT asexual. I feel lonely a lot, cry sometimes over it, but I know that because I can't connect with people and speak properly with them (more on this coming up) even when I have been asked on dates- for some reason a few people were interested in me- I've always refused and asked to just be friends, even if I had felt like I loved them. I know I'd end up probably either wasting their time, making them upset and just losing somebody I want to be around. I feel like it's better this way and until I can learn to speak properly I'll just wait.

I don't know if this is another issue with empathy or not, but I only get on with a few personality types. Kind of harsh to say this, but they're normal people with issues themselves. I have a kind of sick suppressed leader personality in me that can pick out people that are unjudging, depressed, unpopular, and this weird troublemaker type people. I was first in a private school for primary, however, it started going downhill and people started leaving. It was just me and two girls who I got on well with. Everybody there was very friendly and we got on well. I had one of those boy personalities at the time of 'I'm super strong and nobody can beat me!' that I sometimes wish I held onto. I moved to a public school which wasn't too good soon after though- with lots of fights happening there, a kid brought a knife to school once, and EVERYBODY swore which was a huge contrast from the private school. While there I tried a different approach, embracing my skinny-ness and weakness and seeing what happened. While there I befriended two people that were kind of popular, but not at the same time. We hanged out a lot and while it started off well, I became good friends with them both and even felt like I was leading it at some times and then it started to go downhill with them ignoring me and leaving me out, and I was extremely thankful when the end of school came. I went to a grammar school next and the exact same thing happened, but much worse. I befriended two kinda popular kids and we got on really well for a while and it was all great, and then it went downhill and I was left out, ignored, and I felt like they had just got bored of me. I got lucky though when one of our trios started being friends with other people. I probably shouldn't say lucky. This other kid's inner sociopath started to come out and he'd get me in on these really messed up plans of robbing things (by the way, we only talked about these, we didn't actually go ahead with any of them), murdering teachers, drugging and raping one of the assistants too. I'm really glad we didn't go ahead with any of them but the plans were very thought out. We were going to use things like PayPal cards bought in stores using cash, we already had recipes to make the Devils Breath drug and knew what we needed. I changed schools though to a much better grammar school where things have been going better. I'm still there now.

My group of friends at the moment is of pretty vulnerable people that I kind of take advantage of, I'm trying to be as honest as possible because I genuinely want to know if I can be 'fixed' or whatever. First, there's one guy who I really wish I was nicer to, he's Dan. He's an insomniac and I think he's depressed. His mum is super controlling of him and a horrible person- although she has her reasons to be. His mum was molested as a child and Dan's older sister was nearly baited by a paedophile into meeting him. Me and the rest of them sometimes physically punch Dan as a kind of joke, but I'm unsure if this is something that's actually contributing to why he barely comes into the school. Next is Bek, he's in the year below but has been my all-time best friend since I was a toddler. He's small and talks a lot and is very happy. However, I've started to notice that he's only super talkative around me and our friends and actually really quiet and kind of sad looking at others. Both Dan and Bek are in I guess my primary to I keep forming. Both of them kind of follow me blindly like I'm some weird cult leader and they do whatever I ask them for, whether that's doing my homework to coming online, or staying up until 3 am playing games with me despite their strict parents. I know exactly what they're doing and it's a power struggle for them because I had to do the same thing when I was with my first group of grammar school friends. I already know that Bek is getting the most attention though, so I'm trying to include Dan more to stop him getting to where I was. Next is Ishasha, he's the kinda popular kid and he's actually a really good guy. I think he's got really sound mental and physical health and he's just a genuinely cool person to be around. Finally, there's Caleb. He's basically Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory. He doesn't care what anybody thinks about him, and he's really into dark jokes.

I don't really know what else I can add. I've said earlier that maybe I want sympathy instead of a fix. Really though, I just want to know what I can be diagnosed with. I feel like there has to be something because I'm definitely not normal or right.

Comments

  • Lucy307Lucy307 Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    Hi @has0120

    Welcome to the Mix and thanks for sharing your story and how you are feeling. Sounds like you're going through a pretty confusing time with a lot of different factors contributing to making you feel like there's something wrong with you. Firstly just wanted to say that I know you mentioned you're depressed 'with no reason to be' - just to reassure you that this is (unfortunately) normal and quite common so please don't feel like you are weird for feeling low. We all do sometimes and there's not always a reason.

    "I've learnt a lot, stuff like people don't want to hear your experience. They want sympathy (I do too, but I don't- because I know people won't be able to make me feel better even if they try) " - I agree with this to an extent, because I have experienced exactly that (people wanting to share but not to listen), but I have also experienced friends who do want to hear and help you. This is also where someone like a GP or helpline could come in, if you want somebody to talk to (+ sympathy) without feeling like you are burdening/boring them? If you feel like a GP might help, there's a good article on that here http://www.themix.org.uk/mental-health/mental-health-treatments/going-to-see-your-gp-about-a-mental-health-problem-6835.html.

    Sounds like you have read up on psychopathic traits so probably know more about those signs than me, but you don't need to label yourself if you don't want to. It's good to try and understand yourself and your behaviour, it's part of self awareness, but try not to be too hard on yourself. You're only human.

    - Lucy
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
  • JustVJustV Community Manager Posts: 5,288 Part of The Furniture
    Hey @has0120, and welcome to the community. :wave:

    How did it feel to get all of this written down?

    Firstly, I'd absolutely echo what @Lucy307 said about not needing a reason to be depressed. This is certainly pretty common, and I'm sure a lot of folks here could relate to that inner voice constantly asking "why?" Even if there's no tangible reason why we feel a certain way, we feel that way and that is valid. We don't need to justify or over-analyse it, and realising that can provide a lot of relief for some.

    From your post, you seem like a very self-reflective person, so props to you for that. While it can sometimes be a double-edged thing (in the case of over-analysing, for example), being able to really home-in on our feelings and start to unpick them is a good skill to have. You've been incredibly honest in what you've shared with us as well, and that's not an easy thing to do, particularly when some of what we're sharing might seem a bit abrasive, so well done for taking that step.
    has0120 wrote:
    I don't really know what else I can add. I've said earlier that maybe I want sympathy instead of a fix. Really though, I just want to know what I can be diagnosed with. I feel like there has to be something because I'm definitely not normal or right.
    Getting to the crux of your post... it's worth noting that it's impossible to diagnose anyone via an online forum, so for any realiable, solid opinions or assessments, talking to a professional is always advisable. As @Lucy307 suggested, seeing a doctor is a great first step with situations like this. :)

    That being said, I will just say that it's okay to want sympathy. It's one of the most human things ever - when things are crappy, it can be comforting when someone acknowledges that and validates what we're experiencing. Have you spoken to anyone about this other than us? Is there anyone you would be comfortable venting to in your personal life?

    I'm also curious about what's making you seek a diagnosis. If you were diagnosed by a professional, what would you get from that? And how would you feel if you weren't?

    These things can be healthy to think about - let us know how you're getting on. :)
    All behaviour is a need trying to be met.
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