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Bullying at university. Scared to be around flatmate

Former MemberFormer Member Smol BeanPosts: 666 Incredible Poster
edited March 27 in Work & Study
My flatmate bullies me. To start with it was just jokes and stuff, I understood that we were both in a new place, laughing breaks the ice and everything was going okay, but we are halfway through the year now and it's not a joke anymore. She's spat coffee in my face, woken me up at 3am drunk and throwing up, she makes fun of my clothes and hair. She makes a huge mess then complaints that we aren't cleaning enough. Truth is I don't even think she realises what she's doing is hurtful, I've tried telling her how it makes me feel but she just accused me of trying to start a fight and then ignored me. Worse thing is I can't ask my other housemates for help because she doesn't make fun of me when they are around. Whenever I try and ask her to tidy up her mess or wipe up the puddles of water she leaves on the floor of our bathroom she will call up her firends and then walk up and down our corridor telling them how I'm a 'fat slut' or a 'stupid bitch' just because I'm asking her to clean up after herself. It makes me so angry and so upset I don't want to leave my room and when I do I don't want to go back. I haven't got any of my uni work done in weeks. I've spoken to the uni and they have suggested trying to move, that's what I'm doing but every time someone asks why I want to move I shake and cry and feel so pathetic. I really wish I could just avoid her and ignore this until we move out in july, but I just cant, recently I've been moving food into my room and eating it cold so I don't have to leave. I really want to shower I know I'm gross but I just don't want to be alone with her even for a second. I'm going to stay at a friend's for a few days just so I don't have to feel scared to use the loo. One good thing, she slams her door constantly, even though this drives me nuts at least it means I know when the kitchen is empty. The university also suggested I go to the doctors, there they have given me information about anxiety medication. I have to go back in a few weeks and see how I feel then.

Good news is the uni was really supportive, I'm glad I asked them what to do. I asked if there were any rooms in other flats I could move to, but they said there weren't, so now I'm looking elsewhere. Does anyone have any tips on what else I can do? Something that can help me forget about my housemates hurtful comments and help me get back to concentrating on my work.

P.s the uni said I can make a formal complaint about her behaviour and it will be passed on to her teachers. Should I do this? I'm afraid she will know it was me if I do, if she found out I'm sure it would just escalate the situation.
Post edited by JustV on

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Miniposter Posts: 187 Helping Hand
    Hi. I'm sorry you're in such a tough situation. The way your flatmate is acting is not acceptable and I suggest that you do make a formal complaint explaining how badly her behaviour has affected you. You should be able to complain anonymously and even if she does suspect that you were the one who made the complaint, your uni should be able to support you with this. It's good that you're going to stay with a friend, hopefully you'll be able to move soon.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Smol Bean Posts: 666 Incredible Poster
    Thank you :) Today I asked the uni about how to find a new place and they are being really helpful. Being able to talk about it here really helps get the feelings off my chest.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Miniposter Posts: 187 Helping Hand
    Eyepatch wrote: »
    Thank you :) Today I asked the uni about how to find a new place and they are being really helpful. Being able to talk about it here really helps get the feelings off my chest.
    It's good that you are able to talk about it. Are you any closer to finding a new place to live? Dealing with people who bully you is really hard and it's a shame that you should have to deal with that in your own home.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Smol Bean Posts: 666 Incredible Poster
    Unfortunately there are not any open flats in the same building that I am in right now, but the letting agents have said that they will notify me if one becomes available. My friend helped me write a few emails to other accommodation offices, (I always worry about emails and I have dyslexia which doesn't help). They have replied asking a few questions about tenancy stuff that Im not sure of yet. Hopefully I can get this done by the end of the month and once I am away I can think about making that complaint, as I will hopefully feel safer then. Its hard but the uni told me that now that I've made them aware of whats happening I can come to them at anytime and ask for more help. I just keep telling myself that Im not the only one who knows about this anymore.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Miniposter Posts: 187 Helping Hand
    Eyepatch wrote: »
    Unfortunately there are not any open flats in the same building that I am in right now, but the letting agents have said that they will notify me if one becomes available. My friend helped me write a few emails to other accommodation offices, (I always worry about emails and I have dyslexia which doesn't help). They have replied asking a few questions about tenancy stuff that Im not sure of yet. Hopefully I can get this done by the end of the month and once I am away I can think about making that complaint, as I will hopefully feel safer then. Its hard but the uni told me that now that I've made them aware of whats happening I can come to them at anytime and ask for more help. I just keep telling myself that Im not the only one who knows about this anymore.
    It's good that you are getting support from uni and could get a new flat soon. You mentioned that you have other housemates, but it doesn't seem as though they are really aware of what is going on. Do you think that you would be able to discuss this with them? If they have also experienced problems with your flat mate then they might be able to back you up if you decide to complain.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Smol Bean Posts: 666 Incredible Poster
    Thats a good idea,
    I sent a message to one of them asking that they keep this to themselves and they agreed. I didn't go into much detail but they seemed to understand that i was stressed out and said I could talk to them about it anytime. I feel a bit silly not realising that there are people who want to help, thanks AprilFool, you've been really supportive and kind :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Miniposter Posts: 187 Helping Hand
    Eyepatch wrote: »
    Thats a good idea,
    I sent a message to one of them asking that they keep this to themselves and they agreed. I didn't go into much detail but they seemed to understand that i was stressed out and said I could talk to them about it anytime. I feel a bit silly not realising that there are people who want to help, thanks AprilFool, you've been really supportive and kind :)
    I'm glad I could help. :) It's not silly to not think about how others could help, a lot of the time people get caught up in their own things and it's hard to see how you could bring them into what you're dealing with. There's no shame in asking for help though, and in this case I think it would really help if everyone who has witnessed this person's behaviour reports it. :thumb:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Smol Bean Posts: 666 Incredible Poster
    I'm going to keep this post updated incase someone finds themself in a similar situation.

    Unfortunately, I don't think I'm going to be able to move out, my tennacy agreement means I have to pay until the end of the term. I can't afford to pay for two places. The good news is my friends are fine with me staying over in their spare room occasionally, I go back when someone wants to use the room and to get some of my things every now and then. I get really nervous in my old flat and tend to rush in and out as quickly as I can, or I ask someone to come with me, but that's embarrassing and I feel bad about wasting their time. I've only got a few more months now so I think I'll be okay.

    At least the uni knows about how I'm feeling and I have a session with them at the end of April to see how I'm doing. Using the library, and my friends sofa, I've managed to catch up on a lot of work that I was behind on. So, my tutors feel like I'm on track. :)

    If anyone does find themselves in a similar place, tell the uni and tell your friends, try to find other places to hang out and change up your routine. I hate being back in my old flat, but at least I know I have other places I can go. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Miniposter Posts: 187 Helping Hand
    Eyepatch wrote: »
    I'm going to keep this post updated incase someone finds themself in a similar situation.

    Unfortunately, I don't think I'm going to be able to move out, my tennacy agreement means I have to pay until the end of the term. I can't afford to pay for two places. The good news is my friends are fine with me staying over in their spare room occasionally, I go back when someone wants to use the room and to get some of my things every now and then. I get really nervous in my old flat and tend to rush in and out as quickly as I can, or I ask someone to come with me, but that's embarrassing and I feel bad about wasting their time. I've only got a few more months now so I think I'll be okay.

    At least the uni knows about how I'm feeling and I have a session with them at the end of April to see how I'm doing. Using the library, and my friends sofa, I've managed to catch up on a lot of work that I was behind on. So, my tutors feel like I'm on track. :)

    If anyone does find themselves in a similar place, tell the uni and tell your friends, try to find other places to hang out and change up your routine. I hate being back in my old flat, but at least I know I have other places I can go. :)
    It's a shame that you can't move out any sooner, but at least you have other places you can go to relax or work for a while. I don't think it's a waste of time for someone to come into your flat with you, especially if it makes you feel better.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Smol Bean Posts: 666 Incredible Poster
    Thanks :)

    I went back on my own and had the door slammed in my face. I couldn't get what I needed from my room so I went back at 3am instead, I was there getting my stuff as quickly and quietly as I could. I hate feeling afraid in my own room. It makes me feel ashamed. I told the letting agents again, not that they will do much. I also had another doctors appointment but I wasn't brave enough to say everything I was feeling so I couldn't get much more help. The uni wants some kind of evidence to prove what's going on, but to get it I'll need to be alone with the person causing all this. That's the last thing I want right now as going back there makes me panic and shake :( I could risk a panic attack for the chance to get some proof, or I could just continue to sneak back at night whenever I need something -_- I'm going to have to go back for my things eventually. I try to have my friends with me whenever I can, but I worry that they will end up being treated the same way I am. I don't want anyone to feel this way, least of all those who have helped me out so much recently.

    I wish there was a simple answer to all of this.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Miniposter Posts: 187 Helping Hand
    Eyepatch wrote: »
    Thanks :)

    I went back on my own and had the door slammed in my face. I couldn't get what I needed from my room so I went back at 3am instead, I was there getting my stuff as quickly and quietly as I could. I hate feeling afraid in my own room. It makes me feel ashamed. I told the letting agents again, not that they will do much. I also had another doctors appointment but I wasn't brave enough to say everything I was feeling so I couldn't get much more help. The uni wants some kind of evidence to prove what's going on, but to get it I'll need to be alone with the person causing all this. That's the last thing I want right now as going back there makes me panic and shake :( I could risk a panic attack for the chance to get some proof, or I could just continue to sneak back at night whenever I need something -_- I'm going to have to go back for my things eventually. I try to have my friends with me whenever I can, but I worry that they will end up being treated the same way I am. I don't want anyone to feel this way, least of all those who have helped me out so much recently.

    I wish there was a simple answer to all of this.
    Hi again. I'm sorry for the late reply. Uni has been pretty busy recently.

    I'm sorry to hear that you had the door slammed in your face. That's just rude. Is there any way you could log this behaviour as a form of evidence? Maybe making a note of what happened and when will give them a better idea of how things have been for you. There's no shame in feeling afraid in your own room, especially when the actions of another person are causing you to feel unsafe or unhappy.

    It's good that you've kept the letting agents updated on the situation, even if you're not sure that anything will be done about it. I understand that it can be hard to say everything that you want to when speaking to a doctor, but you can always make another appointment. What kind of evidence does the uni want in particular? I hope you don't have to put yourself through a situation that makes you anxious to provide them with proof of what is happening.

    I'm glad to hear that your friends are being supportive. I know that you don't want them to be treated the same way you are bring treated, but at least you are all there to support each other and they could help to provide evidence for the uni. Have your friends spoken to the uni about what has happened? If more people talk about it then it could mean that the uni is more likely to do something.
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