Unfortunately in love

Former Member

So I’ve been involved with this guy who is in a relationship with his girlfriend for almost 1.5 years and he’s at a point where he says he loves me more and that he just has recoding feelings for his gf and he feels like she is more a friend than a gf to him at this point in time. I keep asking him when he’d leave her and he says he can’t decide that and he has told me that if his gf chooses to go wherever his job takes him ( even if it’s out of state ) only then will he be with her. And it makes me feel like I am an option or a back up plan for him. He tells me so convincingly that she doesn’t have the money to go elsewhere to study and that her parents won’t even let her go with him unless they get married. And so the most likely situation is that we’d end up together. But then again, when I ask him if he is sure about his feelings and how he should make a decision based off his feelings, he tells me that he just can’t tell me a decision right now. We have a year left for graduation and this whole situation is stressing me out so much. I want him to make up his mind and he’s so scared of me leaving him this summer which I really plan to do cause I cannot deal with this anymore. I don’t want to have to feel like a second option in any way. I hate this feeling of never being good enough. She is an American citizen and I am not and I strongly feel like he’s with her because Incase things don’t work out with his job in the future , he can just marry her and still continue staying here in the United States.

Former Member

Hi @Past User,

Thank you for sharing, I'm sorry you're having a tough time. It all sounds quite complicated, there's a lot going on.

It's a difficult situation, due to the nature of it, it sounds like someone may get hurt no matter what happens in the end.
At the moment it seems like its hurting you to be in this situation?

It sounds like he could be looking for an easy way out of his relationship, rather than having to deal with it head on?

You said its making you feel not good enough? I can understand that, it can't be a nice position to be in. Ideally what would you like to happen?
You've considered leaving the situation by saying you may leave him this summer, what's made you not do that before now?

Let us know how your getting on, we're here for you,

PuffinEthics :rainbow2:

Former Member

Hey @Unreal,

It sounds like you're in a pretty difficult situation I'm not surprised you feel stressed out! Unfortunately though, if he's not ready to make that decision, you can't push him to it. From what he's been telling you, it sounds like he sees his gf more like a close friend, and someone who represents some kind of security. Even if he doesn't love her, a person like that is still really difficult to cut out of your life and you have to give him time until he feels ready to do that. It's understandable that it's making you feel like you're not good enough or like a second option, and that you want him to make up his mind, but from what you've said, it sounds to me like he already has (it sounds like he does want to be with you but the ties of his relationship with his gf are just really difficult to cut).

Even after making a decision to end a relationship, it can take a long time to actually do it because if it's someone you care about (even if you don't love them anymore), you don't want to hurt them. When he tells you that he can't make a decision right now, it's more like he's saying that he can't actually do the breaking up bit right now. I would probably say it's not the best idea to threaten him into doing it by saying you'll leave him, but rather to encourage him to do it by being supportive and saying that it's the kindest thing for his gf and if he does respect her and see her as a friend as he tells you he does, he should end the relationship for her sake. Sometimes timing is important too. I know it's easy for me to say but when you're the one waiting to be with someone you love it's a lot harder to be patient, but hang in there because people sometimes do take time to pluck up the courage to finally cut ties - I know because it was like that for me. Even after I realised I didn't love my ex it took me nearly a year to finally tell him because I still cared about him a lot and didn't want to hurt him. I found that time really hard because even though we were officially still together, I was kind of grieving because I knew we wouldn't be able to be friends after I told him and we'd been so close.

Maybe try talking to him about some of these feelings and help him to work through them?

I hope that helps!

-Lizzie