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I have a lot of worries (self-harm, suicidal thoughts)
Former Member
MiniposterPosts: 187 Helping Hand
Hello everyone
I'm not really sure what the first thing I should talk about is, so I'm just going to start by talking about some of the things that have been worrying me recently. I haven't really planned what to write because everything kind of links together in different ways, so sorry if things don't really make sense.
I guess I'll start by talking about the thing that has been bothering me for the longest time, which is the concerns I have about my mental health. Ever since primary school I have had a lot of strange thought processes. I get confused by my own thoughts and feelings a lot, and also sometimes struggle with intrusive thoughts and compulsions.
When I was in primary school, I mainly worried a lot and felt constant urges to do repeated actions that were pointless, and sometimes even painful. I would often make strange hand movements without even realising it. The other kids noticed these things and I was often teased, but for some reason I never really saw this as bullying. I think that maybe I had just started to think that this kind of behaviour was normal.
I think I'm just one of those people who are easy to ignore, because I only remember one person telling me to stop when I was hurting myself, and that was while I was sitting right in the middle of my class during an assembly. :grump: I had a lot of strange habits and emotional issues while I was in primary school. I constantly had these urges or tic, or just didn't realise what my body was doing. I'd space out a lot and often got very emotional about small things. I often complained to my parents about these strange ideas that I called "bad thoughts", and I spent a lot of time worrying about things that I'm pretty sure either didn't make sense or were just things that most kids that age wouldn't even be thinking of. :crying:
I think that I'd grown out of most of these by high school. I don't think that I had the same kind of urges. I'm sure the ones I had at this point just annoyed me without being painful. I worried about a lot of things still, but for a while it was just because I felt different to the other kids and had low self-esteem. I felt low a lot of the time, and my interest in psychology and mental health led me to research different kinds of mental disorders. This was good for my general knowledge, but I soon became convinced that there was something wrong with me and I felt some resentment because I started to realise that I was ignored in primary school and that I was still being ignored. I felt low a lot of the time and I still cried a lot. I was so nervous around other people that I often froze when it was my turn to talk. I was sure that I had depression, and possibly some form of anxiety. However, I refused to seek help for a couple of years because I figured that if I had a mental illness serious enough to need help, then someone would pick up on it. :no: During this time I started to think about suicide and self-harm, but I just kind of fantasised without really considering it. :eek:
Things started to become a bit more serious later in high school. I was unhappy about a lot of things. I started to worry about my mental health, because certain sounds caused me to feel a mixture of rage and panic and I was becoming convinced that I had a condition called misophonia. I broke down in a lesson, and at this point I finally admitted that I had been struggling and was sent to the school counsellor. :rainbow:At this point I was also starting to really struggle with my gender identity and sexuality.:rainbow2: I spoke to the school counsellor and the nurse about all of these different symptoms and I guess they thought that I needed further help because from then on I was taken out of lessons once a week or so to see a counsellor who came in from an organisation separate from the school. She didn't really help much, she was very focused on my family and friendships, and didn't take much action other than offering to send an email to my teachers to tell them that picking on me with questions and stuff made me anxious. At some point she also tried to get my mum involved but the appointment was scheduled right before I had to leave for an exam so not much was really said. She told me that I definitely didn't have a mental disorder, and that she would refer me to CAMHS but that they probably wouldn't treat me. We agreed to stop our sessions not long before I left high school and CAMHS did refuse to treat me. :grump:
Things were pretty much the same in college/sixth form. For the first year I continued to think about my gender identity constantly. For a few years I think that I was basically just incapable of thinking about anything without relating it to gender in some way. It felt like it was never going to end and this was when my suicidal thoughts became a bit more serious. I would often sit and think about how I could go through with it and not have to think or feel ever again, but I always knew that I would never really go through with it. :eek: I think these thoughts finally stopped at around the second year of college/sixth form, and that was only because I was so stressed about exams, coursework, and the relationship I was in at the time, that I broke down over practically everything and was too distracted to think about anything else. :crying::banghead:
I guess I've talked enough about my past to give you a fair idea of how things have been for me and how my mind works, so I'm going to start talking about how things have been for me more recently. :thumb:
I started university in September, and am currently in my first year of a psychology course. I moved out of my family home for the first time, and am currently living in student accommodation on campus. I've settled in pretty well, especially as I live in catered accommodation so I haven't had to worry about buying food or cooking for my first year. I've made friends and am a member of a sport and two societies, with committee roles which start next year. I'm passing all my modules and things are generally going well. However, I'm currently in the process of trying to get diagnosed with depression because I spoke to the university counsellor about my low moods and she suggested that I register with a local doctor and talk to them. I still haven't heard anything about the referral I was given in my first year of college, and I now usually live an hour away from that area so I got a referral for a mental health service near my uni. That was a couple of weeks ago and I still somehow haven't found the time, motivation, and energy to call them even though I know I should try to get on a waiting list as soon as possible.:nervous:
My mood had increased recently since I've been home for Easter, but this means that I'm back working at a job that gets me down quite a lot. I also have a lot of worries about relationships as I don't have much experience and my emotional/mental health issues seem to get in the way whenever I start dating someone. I'm currently dating a guy who is really nice, who I always have fun with, but when he asked about a relationship I told him that I wasn't ready, and I don't think that I did a very good job of explaining why.
I spent quite a while writing this, and I'm sure there's some stuff that I've missed out but I guess that will come up if this post starts a discussion :thumb:. I think that most of the problems that I'm currently experiencing are due to either a lack of experience or confidence, or the fact that I feel unable to move on without receiving a diagnosis after I've been wondering all this time, or at least some acknowledgement that my problems are worth dealing with.
Thanks for taking the time to read this
I'm not really sure what the first thing I should talk about is, so I'm just going to start by talking about some of the things that have been worrying me recently. I haven't really planned what to write because everything kind of links together in different ways, so sorry if things don't really make sense.
I guess I'll start by talking about the thing that has been bothering me for the longest time, which is the concerns I have about my mental health. Ever since primary school I have had a lot of strange thought processes. I get confused by my own thoughts and feelings a lot, and also sometimes struggle with intrusive thoughts and compulsions.
When I was in primary school, I mainly worried a lot and felt constant urges to do repeated actions that were pointless, and sometimes even painful. I would often make strange hand movements without even realising it. The other kids noticed these things and I was often teased, but for some reason I never really saw this as bullying. I think that maybe I had just started to think that this kind of behaviour was normal.
I think I'm just one of those people who are easy to ignore, because I only remember one person telling me to stop when I was hurting myself, and that was while I was sitting right in the middle of my class during an assembly. :grump: I had a lot of strange habits and emotional issues while I was in primary school. I constantly had these urges or tic, or just didn't realise what my body was doing. I'd space out a lot and often got very emotional about small things. I often complained to my parents about these strange ideas that I called "bad thoughts", and I spent a lot of time worrying about things that I'm pretty sure either didn't make sense or were just things that most kids that age wouldn't even be thinking of. :crying:I think that I'd grown out of most of these by high school. I don't think that I had the same kind of urges. I'm sure the ones I had at this point just annoyed me without being painful. I worried about a lot of things still, but for a while it was just because I felt different to the other kids and had low self-esteem. I felt low a lot of the time, and my interest in psychology and mental health led me to research different kinds of mental disorders. This was good for my general knowledge, but I soon became convinced that there was something wrong with me and I felt some resentment because I started to realise that I was ignored in primary school and that I was still being ignored. I felt low a lot of the time and I still cried a lot. I was so nervous around other people that I often froze when it was my turn to talk. I was sure that I had depression, and possibly some form of anxiety. However, I refused to seek help for a couple of years because I figured that if I had a mental illness serious enough to need help, then someone would pick up on it. :no: During this time I started to think about suicide and self-harm, but I just kind of fantasised without really considering it. :eek:
Things started to become a bit more serious later in high school. I was unhappy about a lot of things. I started to worry about my mental health, because certain sounds caused me to feel a mixture of rage and panic and I was becoming convinced that I had a condition called misophonia.
I broke down in a lesson, and at this point I finally admitted that I had been struggling and was sent to the school counsellor. :rainbow:At this point I was also starting to really struggle with my gender identity and sexuality.:rainbow2: I spoke to the school counsellor and the nurse about all of these different symptoms and I guess they thought that I needed further help because from then on I was taken out of lessons once a week or so to see a counsellor who came in from an organisation separate from the school. She didn't really help much, she was very focused on my family and friendships, and didn't take much action other than offering to send an email to my teachers to tell them that picking on me with questions and stuff made me anxious. At some point she also tried to get my mum involved but the appointment was scheduled right before I had to leave for an exam so not much was really said. She told me that I definitely didn't have a mental disorder, and that she would refer me to CAMHS but that they probably wouldn't treat me. We agreed to stop our sessions not long before I left high school and CAMHS did refuse to treat me. :grump:Things were pretty much the same in college/sixth form. For the first year I continued to think about my gender identity constantly. For a few years I think that I was basically just incapable of thinking about anything without relating it to gender in some way. It felt like it was never going to end and this was when my suicidal thoughts became a bit more serious. I would often sit and think about how I could go through with it and not have to think or feel ever again, but I always knew that I would never really go through with it. :eek: I think these thoughts finally stopped at around the second year of college/sixth form, and that was only because I was so stressed about exams, coursework, and the relationship I was in at the time, that I broke down over practically everything and was too distracted to think about anything else. :crying::banghead:
I guess I've talked enough about my past to give you a fair idea of how things have been for me and how my mind works, so I'm going to start talking about how things have been for me more recently. :thumb:
I started university in September, and am currently in my first year of a psychology course. I moved out of my family home for the first time, and am currently living in student accommodation on campus. I've settled in pretty well, especially as I live in catered accommodation so I haven't had to worry about buying food or cooking for my first year. I've made friends and am a member of a sport and two societies, with committee roles which start next year. I'm passing all my modules and things are generally going well. However, I'm currently in the process of trying to get diagnosed with depression because I spoke to the university counsellor about my low moods and she suggested that I register with a local doctor and talk to them. I still haven't heard anything about the referral I was given in my first year of college, and I now usually live an hour away from that area so I got a referral for a mental health service near my uni. That was a couple of weeks ago and I still somehow haven't found the time, motivation, and energy to call them even though I know I should try to get on a waiting list as soon as possible.:nervous:
My mood had increased recently since I've been home for Easter, but this means that I'm back working at a job that gets me down quite a lot. I also have a lot of worries about relationships as I don't have much experience and my emotional/mental health issues seem to get in the way whenever I start dating someone. I'm currently dating a guy who is really nice, who I always have fun with, but when he asked about a relationship I told him that I wasn't ready, and I don't think that I did a very good job of explaining why.
I spent quite a while writing this, and I'm sure there's some stuff that I've missed out but I guess that will come up if this post starts a discussion :thumb:. I think that most of the problems that I'm currently experiencing are due to either a lack of experience or confidence, or the fact that I feel unable to move on without receiving a diagnosis after I've been wondering all this time, or at least some acknowledgement that my problems are worth dealing with.
Thanks for taking the time to read this
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Comments
Which leads me to stress the utmost importance of Self-Care. I feel that self-care is one thing that's getting increasingly overlooked these days as our lives get busier and busier, which is why self-care is so very important and @The Mix staff have always been advocates for it. It's important then, that you find out what self-care works for you and apply it as much as possible. It does nobody any good to burn out or become overwhelmed.
Here's an excellent support network that The Mix have compiled. http://www.themix.org.uk/mental-health/a-guide-to-self-care-15574.html
Looking after your mental health when starting un is a goodun :thumb: http://www.themix.org.uk/work-and-study/student-life/looking-after-your-mental-health-when-starting-university-25015.html
Perhaps now would be a good time to reapply to CAMHS: http://www.themix.org.uk/mental-health/mental-health-treatments/a-guide-to-camhs-22732.html
Wishing you all the best,
~Belle:rainbow2:
I agree that the support I've received from doctors and counsellors hasn't always been that great. Luckily, I've managed to get plenty of support from sites like this one, but I feel like there's only so much progress I can make without more professional help. I think that my university does have a peer support program, but I don't know of anyone who actually takes part in it or how to access it. I have regular meetings with my PAT and have also tried to get support from the university counselling service. It took me a while to work up the courage to register for a local doctor, and when I finally made an appointment I was told that they don't have a diagnostic tool for depression. I got referred to a local mental health service but the way it was described made it sound like I will have to call repeatedly in order to get put on a waiting list. That was a couple of weeks ago and I haven't called yet. I'm home from uni for Easter so I'll have to wait a while anyway and I need to make sure I know what my time-table is going to be like before I can arrange an appointment. I'm not even sure how to get to the mental health place, I just hope it's in walking distance. I don't drive and I'm nervous about using a new bus route by myself.
Self-care is something that I sometimes struggle with. I've made it my goal to look after myself more, and I've started using an online checklist if I feel especially low to make sure that I meet my needs every day. There's a couple of sites that I use. http://philome.la/jace_harr/you-feel-like-shit-an-interactive-self-care-guide/play is a good site because it takes me through self-care step-by-step, and I have also started to follow @aloebud on Twitter because they are always bringing out resources that aim to help people who struggle with self-care.
I have started to get help again since I've started uni, which I've already mentioned, my main worry is that it will just lead to the usually results where I put in all the effort only for someone to decide that I don't need treatment. I at least want to come out of this with a confirmation of whether I have depression or not, as I've been wondering this for years now. I don't think that my previous referral is going to come through. I was about 16 at the time so they would have probably referred me to CAMHS, but now I'm 19 I'm too old for that.
-Janine:rainbow2:
Thanks so much for sharing your story. It's really well to put together, and I guess it might have been helpful for you to write it all down like that?
It definitely would have been for me. Especially as you say you've had some difficulties working out how your feeling and thinking, writing things down can give a lot of clarity. I do it for anxiety, and just generally to express myself and get things out of my head, it gives me some relief.
You've been through a lot, I can tell. But it sounds like your doing so good at uni, that's great, and I'm really glad you've stuck to your interest in psychology, the world needs people like you, with a real passion for something because of your experience.
You mentioned your gender identity, how are you feeling about that now? It's something a lot of people can take for granted, but it is something thats quite healthy to think about, in my opinion.
In regards to the new referral, I am definitely the kind of person, that would get a number to call, and then worry about how and when to call, what to say, and whether it was the right time, etc. so I totally understand your situation - I do it with the bank and stuff all the time - I have to give myself deadlines.
You could just decide that you're going to call by a certain day or something? Just to make sure you get on the waiting list as soon as possible.
You say you want to get a diagnosis, and you want to feel someone is acknowledging your problems are worth dealing with? Well, we can't give you a diagnosis here, but we can definitely acknowledge that your problems are 100% worth dealing with. They definitely are, you at the very least deserve to have them taken seriously, and this referral at uni could do that for you. You say you don't want to go through all the effort to find out someone thinks you don't need treatment? Counselling could be a treatment they offer to those without any diagnosis anyway? Talking treatment could help. How would you feel about that?
I had counselling at university and it was one of the best things I did. I didn't get a label or anything, I just dealt with some issues I had, that made it easier to understand myself, my emotions and my reactions to things.
If you think that most of your current issues are to do with lack of experience and confidence, then I think a lot of people feel like that. Its kind of natural to worry about things your not sure of. I also think as everyone grows up, you think there will be a point where you feel like your an adult and you know what's going on. I'm in my mid twenties, and I still feel like I'm guessing at most things, but everyone else is too, so that's okay. And its important to remember that it is okay.
With regards to your worries about relationships, it's absolutely fine to take it as slow as you want to, and you don't only get one chance to explain your feelings, you could just try and explain again if you feel like you didn't explain well the first time. Or write it down, because you explained yourself perfectly here.
I'm sorry you have a job that gets you down. What is it about the job that's not great?
As @Past User said, self care is so important and its good that your using things to help get better.
Are you enjoying being at university in general, it sounds like its generally positive for you?
I, again, just want to stress that your problems are definitely worth dealing with,
We're here for you,
Thanks for sharing,
PuffinEthics :rainbow:
It was pretty helpful to write everything down, but I feel like there were some things that I ended up leaving out because I didn't want to carry on writing or make the post too long. I think I got most things in there, but I just wanted to get across that I've never really been that happy as long as I can remember and that I've been really struggling to find any kind of treatment that actually works. :no:
Uni is going great, but it does have some downsides. I've joined one sport and two societies and have been nominated for some committee roles next year. I'm looking forward to contributing more and developing more skills, and I get on well with the people I'll be working with. The only real issue I find is that training with a bunch of people who've been competing in sports competitions for years isn't good for my self-esteem. This type of thing is something that I've always been really sensitive about so sometimes it really gets me down. :crying: Most of the lectures are interesting and I'm getting good grades so far, but there's still room for improvement. I think I know where I can do better and I'm hoping things will improve next year, especially as this is when my grades will count towards my final degree. :nervous:
:rainbow:I don't think about my gender identity as much as I used to, but I do still sometimes think about it and wonder if I'm really happy with who I am now. However, I have found that I've started to think about my sexuality a lot more since I started dating. :rainbow2:
I usually do give myself a deadline on when to call by, but several of those "deadlines" have come and gone now because I just can't seem to bring myself to do it. I tried to call as soon as possible, but didn't have the time, and since I've been home for the holidays I've either been working or just spending time with my family. I also have a habit of sleeping for long periods of time during the day, which has been worse recently because I've been ill and have somehow managed to hurt my neck, so it's harder to get up in the morning. I'll try to call as soon as possible because I'll probably be put on a waiting list, but to be honest I haven't got much faith in the service already because I've been in and out of counselling for years now and they've all refused to treat me. :grump: Even the way the person who referred me to it described it made it sound like a terrible service. She told me that I'd have to "pester" them in order to get an appointment, and that if I missed an appointment then I'll lose access to the service. At this point, I'm scared that if I call the service they'll question why it took me so long to call after being referred.
Is it bad to say that I'd rather have an answer on whether I have depression or not before I do anything else? I've been wondering this since I was about 12 and I just really want to know. I don't see the point in jumping straight into a talking therapy because I don't think I'll be able to let myself start to let things go and recover unless I get this answer. My friend said that it took her a while to be diagnosed, but that it was probably because they are reluctant to diagnose children and that I might be more likely to get an answer now that I'm over 18. :chin:
The counselling I did receive when I was about 14 or 15 probably did help me in some ways, but I think that it only scratched the surface when it came to all of the things that I had already bottled up and tried to deal with on my own. I found it increasingly hard to open up because I felt like I wasn't really being listened to. I think that the counsellor struggled to understand what I was really going through, because she seemed to avoid the main thing that was bothering me and get me to focus on tasks that didn't really work.
The older the get, the more I realise that nobody really knows what they're doing, so I don't really worry too much when I don't know something. A lot of people probably seem to know more than they actually do. :thumb:
I think I'm doing pretty well with taking this relationship slowly and not letting myself get pressured into making things official. It's not exactly easy, especially as even his friends seem to be rooting for us to be together. *hug* However, my main worry is that I will never be ready to take things any further with him. I'm trying to be open and honest with him, but communication isn't always easy. We talk every day but I can never seem to change the subject to anything more serious. I feel like it's wrong of me to carry on dating him when I'm not sure if I'll ever want to take things further.
There are lots of things about my job that aren't great. I've been there for nearly two years now, but for the first year I hardly got any shifts and now I take lots of time away from my job when I'm not at uni. College and university have both taken up a lot of my time, so I haven't managed to do all of the online training. I learn things on the job, but I still feel like there's a lot that I don't know because the managers always put me on certain areas because they know that I do them well. I feel incompetent a lot of the time, even compared to people who are newer to the job than I am. I don't feel respected because people never seem to listen to me, I very rarely get to leave on time when my shift ends, and I hear people gossiping about each other all the time so I wouldn't be surprised to find out that people say negative things about me when I'm not there. My ex works there, and even though we broke up almost a year ago, sometimes it just gives me something else to think about if he seems to be acting strange around me or something. Things go wrong a lot, especially when I'm working on the drive-thru because a lot of the equipment is either faulty or ends up being broken. I have to walk to and from work most days (I get picked up from work by my parents if I'm working a late shift) and I don't like showing off my uniform in case someone makes a comment or something. On the other hand, I also hate wearing a coat because even if it's cold I feel like I get really sweaty on my way to work (which I'm guessing is a combination of the fact that I naturally walk quickly and also because of nerves). My ex has made comments before about my uniform having sweat patches on it so now I'm always paranoid as soon as I step into work, to the point where sometimes I walk straight to a mirror and start checking my clothes and at some point I used to spend more time getting ready because I decided the best thing to do was to rub talcum powder into my back to soak up any sweat. I could probably rant for quite a while about work, but I think that I've pretty much summed it all up here. :impissed:
Thanks for taking the time to read this, I didn't expect to write so much. :crazyeyes:d
-Janine :>
I'm glad writing it down helped, even if it was just a little bit.
Okay, well we're hear to listen to anything else you want to talk about if you felt like you missed anything out, okay?
Okay, so you haven't been able to find treatment that works for you, and that what your looking for at the moment?
Have you been to see a doctor about your symptoms, or is that what you got the referral from? Maybe it could help to think about your mental health like physical health, you can't treat it or cure it, but you could improve it?
In regards to your past counselling not being that helpful, there are different types of counselling and therapy and I've known people to have really great experiences with some, and feeling not much happened with others. Here's some info on talking treatment , it may not be relevant, but it could be useful for you https://www.mind.org.uk/information-.../#.Ws-x5ojwaUk
Maybe you could give the service a try despite what people have said. These sorts of services can be understaffed and under strain, so they could take a while to sort things out, but if you do what you can and it doesn't work for you then you don't have to keep going. Maybe you could get a friend or a family member to be with you whilst you phone initially to give you some support? Maybe try telling someone your struggling to call them. I wouldn't worry about them saying anything about you taking time to ring, its a mental health service so they should be understanding.
Okay, I'm sorry to hear your job isn't great. Lots of jobs have a lot of downfalls, but its often the people you work with that make the difference, its sounds like its not the best social environment to be in, with people not being nice about each other, and your ex being there sounds complicated.
Not getting to leave on time isn't great is it? Are you paid for your extra time?
If you aren't there should be a something in your contract about how long your employer is allowed to keep you, it could be around 15 minutes. But in general you shouldn't have to stay any longer than your paid for, that just isn't fair - there are also laws.
Have you thought about looking for another part time job? What's keeping you at your current job?
With having to walk to work and getting sweaty, a lot of people experience this, maybe you could try wearing another top to work and changing when you get there? It would mean you have to get to work a little earlier but could solve both problems? If anyone is going to make a comment about you walking to work in your uniform, they aren't worth worrying about. I think its great you've got a job to get your own money, you should definitely be proud of yourself, and even more so for sticking it out considering that it sounds difficult to be there.
With your relationship, I can understand that's a difficult situation. Is the guy your involved with pushing things to go forward or does he seem happy with the way things are?
You don't owe anyone anything and can take things at your own pace, things have a way of coming up without you having to bring them up sometimes, so maybe just wait till you have the chance to say what you feel, he may tell you how he feels and you could respond with how you do. You could just make sure your comfortable with whats happening at tell him if you aren't.
In regards to your sexuality, it can be healthy to think about it, its discovery for everyone and inevitably through dating it will come up. Try to remember t's always okay to be yourself, and explore what you need to, just make sure your looking after yourself.
Well I think it sounds like your really well involved in uni and that's great. It can be hard not to compare yourself to others, is it just that your not as experienced as them that you worry about?
Well done with your grades, knowing what you need to work on is half the battle.
Don't mention it, thanks for sharing it with us all, Janine, I hope its helped, how are you feeling this week?
Best,
Puffin Ethics
And also, I meant to ask what sports your playing at uni?
Thanks for replying again.
I'm feeling kind of frustrated to be honest. People don't seem to understand that I'm currently looking for a diagnosis rather than treatment. I've spent part of my childhood and all of my teen years wondering if I have depression or any other kind of mental illness, but every time I bring it up to any kind of professional their reaction is to send me to some kind of short-term therapy which answers nothing. Is it weird that I'd rather get an answer before starting any kind of new treatment?
I got my referral to this mental health service through a doctor (well, a nurse sister) and she told me that there is no diagnostic tool for depression. I don't know if she referred me to this place to get a diagnosis, as I've looked into them and they seem to specialise in talking therapy. I'm not sure exactly how it works, but from what I've looked into (and also from my uni course), mood disorders like depression are an actual illness that people can be diagnosed with. I've already been through the physical tests that are meant to rule out other conditions, so why can't I seem to get a definitive answer? I'm sorry for the rant but I'm starting to feel like I'm not being properly listened to. :impissed: A couple of years ago, when I went through all the physical tests I just mentioned, I glanced over at the doctor's computer as she was typing up my notes and I'm pretty sure she mentioned dysthymia (chronic depression). However, I don't remember her telling me directly that I have depression.
I'm trying to get through to the service, even though I'm aware of how strained the mental health services are. I'm going to keep trying but I think it might be worth going back to the doctor and telling them about my concerns, like the fact that I only have one more term left before I'll be an hour away from that service for the summer. I don't drive and I'll probably be working all summer, so if I do get through in the next term I might not be able to start right away anyway. I made the doctor's appointment using the number for student's, so they should be fairly aware of my situation. I could have gone for the option to get counselling through my uni, but I want the diagnosis first, if I do have depression at all. :grump:
My family isn't that supportive, and I've never really been able to bring up my mental health problems to my friends. I have someone who tries to encourage me but I only talk to him through messages over the phone, and we've never even met. I'm hoping to get through to them soon, but I think that arranging an appointment and trying to find the place might just add more stress to a time when I've got a lot of deadlines, exams, and commitments. :nervous:
Some of the people I work with are okay. Most of the people there are polite in genera but just seem to react really badly to stress and make tense times even worse. There are a few people who are difficult to work with, and the constant gossiping makes me think that some of the people there are kind of two-faced. I can understand their need to vent about people, but it makes me wonder what they say about me when I'm not there. I try not to worry about it too much.
I get paid for working over, but I heard that the rule was that they couldn't get you to stay over for more than 20 minutes without permission. I once stayed behind 45 minutes because a manager kept asking me to do things and wouldn't listen when I tried to tell her that my shift was over. She didn't listen until another manager came over and asked why I was still there. :grump:
I have considered looking for another job but I'm not sure it's worth it. This is my first job and I've been there for about 2 years now so I'm pretty used to it. It's flexible and it means that I can work in the holidays and not have to worry about working while I'm at uni. When I'm at uni I'm nearly always busy and I'm taking on more responsibilities and commitments next year, so I don't want to have to work during this time as well (although, plenty of other people seem to manage it).
I could walk to work in regular clothes and get changed, and some people I work with do that. The problem is that sometimes I struggle to get out of bed and I don't arrive at work until a few minutes before my shift starts. I've been getting there in plenty of time recently, but I'm worried that one day I'll end up being late because I had to get changed. I'll consider it, but I don't think that I've really had an issue with sweating recently. I think that most of the problem is in my head because ever since that comment was made I've been really nervous about it and have started to check my shirt as soon as I get to work.
At least I have a job. Sometimes it does make me proud to think that I work for my money.
The guy I'm currently dating isn't too pushy, but I kind of find it hard to talk to him about things. I'm not good at talking to people in general, and we never seem to get past making regular small talk. To be honest, I'm not sure we would still be together if I talked more openly about my feelings. He told me he's interested in a relationship, and when I told him I was worried that it would end up being the same as my last relationship, he told me that he's not the same guy and that he's not a psychic. Maybe he was kind of annoyed, but I wasn't accusing him of anything. I wish he'd taken more time to ask about why I was so unhappy in my last relationship. I just don't feel that attracted to him, I don't think he realises that I'm not that experienced with relationships and that the reason I often pull away when he kisses me is because I'm not entirely comfortable with things being that physical. Plus, I want to be free to date more people and explore my sexuality, and also feel that it's not good for me to be in a relationship when I'm still working on sorting some things out and getting my mood under control. :no:
The reason I'm so worried by my lack of experience is because I feel like the people I've been dating have wanted things to get physical pretty quickly, and I don't really want to go very far with people I don't feel much of a connection with. I always figured that I'd work up to things like that with someone I was in love with, and given the confusion with my sexuality I've become pretty sure that I'm not going to do that with a guy any time soon. :chin:
I've been feeling pretty stressed out this week, I'm starting to feel the pressure now that I'm going back to uni soon and I'm also beginning to feel like I'm going to spend most of my time in the near future doing some kind of work.
:rainbow:At least my degree allows me to learn more about well-being, and has allowed me to pursue my interest in forensics. Next year I'm going to carry on with the forensics module and also take on on therapies. :rainbow2:
At uni I do swimming, and I'm also a part of the psychology society and the wildlife society. :>
Thanks
Janine
Sorry for the delay in response, I've been away!
Okay, so it seems like for you its about getting a bit of clarity on what your experiencing mental health wise?
I'm sorry your feeling frustrated about it all. Maybe its something you can address with your GP but like you said maybe not in the middle of when you've got a lot else going on with uni etc? Maybe your family and friends can be a good distraction from it by doing nice things with them to make you feel positive? I
Well with your job, you could just see how it goes going forward, maybe the positives outweigh the negatives?
I never worked whilst I was at uni, only in the summer, and that let me focus on my studies, and it seems like that could be a good positive for you at the moment?
With having lots of other stuff going on maybe not having to think about your job too much and getting the time off you need is a bit of a blessing?
Okay, so that all makes sense, in regards to the relationship, do you know what you want to happen ideally for you now then?
Thank you for sharing again, I hope its helping you to get some stuff off your chest?
Okay that sounds cool, forensics sounds ace, I always like the forensics shows on tv, I know that's silly and not anywhere near the truth probably but its so interesting!
Sorry to hear you were stressed last week, is there anything you do to relax in particular when you feel stressed out?
Thanks,
PuffinEthics :rainbow2:
I do want to get more clarity when it comes to my mental health. I've been wondering if I have depression or something for a long time, and even though things have been better recently, there are still times when I feel low for no apparent reason. I haven't called the mental health service in quite a while. I'll see how I go over the summer, and think about seeking help again when I've got other things sorted.
I've got to be out of my uni accommodation by the end of the week and I've already had a manager message me to ask when I'm coming back. I'm dreading going back to work.
I can't remember what was stressing me out so much when I sent the last message. There are just times when there's a lot going on at once and between lectures, my job, and the committees I've joined, it sometimes feels like people are demanding things from me all the time. I've managed to get some time off recently because I stayed in my uni accommodation after my exams instead of going straight home because I had to wait for an appointment.
The main issues I'm having right now is with my relationship. I've been dating this guy since around February, and we made things official on April 22nd. It's the longest relationship I've ever had, and we normally get on really well, but recently I've started to feel like he's taking advantage of me. Tonight was at least the fourth time that he's repeatedly ignored my boundaries and done things after I've told him to stop or pushed his hand away or done anything else to make it clear that I don't really want to be touched. The first time it happened I was freaked out but we were both drunk and I spoke to him about it afterwards and he promised it wouldn't happen again. It happened the next time we were drunk, and twice after that when we were both sober. I don't even really feel that comfortable with kissing at this point. I know he said he was bad at reading signals from other people, but I've made it clear what I do and don't like and he keeps doing them anyway. I was already struggling with the relationship because he always seemed to feel more strongly about me than I did about him, and because I'm still kind of questioning my sexuality. At this point I'm seriously considering breaking up with him because I don't think our relationship is that healthy, and to be honest I keep wanting to meet new people and at least date a girl.
Thanks for letting me get everything off my chest.
I hope your exams went well.
Thanks for sharing this, I hope getting it off your chest has helped a bit.
The issues with your relationship sound difficult, your partner not respecting your boundaries must be difficult to deal with and boundaries are very important to respect in order to have a healthy relationship.
Is it that behaviour that makes you think he's taking advantage?
In regards to him saying that he finds it hard to read signals from other people, you've said you've made it clear what you do and don't like, do you feel like he isn't listening to you?
What are you thinking about it now? It sounds like perhaps you want to keep your options open? Perhaps it's a good idea to let him now how you're feeling?
Thanks for sharing,
PuffinEthics
I think my exams went pretty well. Hopefully I'll be able to see my results soon.
It has been good to get things off my chest.
It's definitely the lack of respect for my boundaries that makes me feel like he takes advantage of me sometimes. After it happened for the first time, we had a serious conversation afterwards and he seemed really understanding. I still thought that it was pretty bad that he would act the way he did in the first place, but he promised that it would never happen again and I figured that it was just a drunken mistake. I've become more concerned recently because he acts the same way whenever we're alone together, whether we've been drinking or not. He always says that if I ask him to stop he will, and even though he apologises and moves his hands away if I ask him to stop touching me, he starts doing it again soon after without asking. He suggests doing things that he knows I wouldn't be comfortable with. Last time he used the fact that I was sunburned as an excuse to get me to take my shirt off, and then he pulled the vest I had on underneath down for no reason. I feel like he's always making excuses for his behaviour, and while I understand where he's coming from, I don't think that any of them really justify disrespecting my boundaries all the time. He's mentioned before about him being bad at picking up on signals, but now it's at the point where he ignores it when I tell him what's wrong and make it clear. The thing he says most often is that he doesn't really know how to express his feelings for me without doing something physical, but that doesn't give him the right to do those things without my consent. It's weird because he normally comes across as very considerate and understanding, but then when it comes to physical boundaries he always ignores them. It's getting harder and harder to see these as genuine mistakes.
He always acts like he listens to me, but I don't think that he really takes anything I say that seriously. I don't think he realises how freaked out I get when I'm alone with him and he keeps touching me when I'm clearly getting more and more uncomfortable. The last couple of times he's been over I've ended up crying but I hid it from him because I hate letting people see me cry, and I didn't want to upset him. I've never really gotten emotional in front of him before. Normally when I'm upset I just get kind of quiet.
I'm going to try to talk things through with him as soon as possible, but I struggle to have conversations about serious things and I really don't want to upset him. I've just never been that sure that this relationship is going to last and now I'm getting ever more concerned because I'm kind of worried that he's manipulating me in some ways. Plus, he's already gone home for the summer and I go home later today so we probably won't see each other in person until at least September. I could talk to him through messaging, or we could call each other or video chat. I'm just not sure whether it would be okay to have a really serious conversation when we're not talking to each other in person.
Thanks for taking the time to talk this through with me
It's understandable that you don't want to hurt someone else's feelings, which is really considerate of you. It's also a very relateable feeling to want to have deeper conversations in person. Are you still feeling this sort of way about the issue?
It definitely isn't a bad thing to want to clear things up and be honest with someone you care about. It might be useful to ask yourself if this will change in any other way - usually being open and honest will get to the best result with people; even if it's a little painful at first, it's for the best end result as you'll eventually both be happier with the situation (if someone isn't satisfied in a relationship then eventually everyone will start to feel kinda bad.)
How are you feeling in general? Perhaps being in a better overall mood will eventually help come to terms with this?
All the best.
I'm still pretty confused about things. I keep thinking about all the fun times we've had and how well we get on with each other, and I get upset when I think about ending it. I think that I was becoming happier in the relationship until the last couple of times where I've been made to feel uncomfortable. I'm not completely happy in the relationship, I still think it's unhealthy and often want to date other people, but whenever I think about breaking up I think about all the good times and start to think that it's a bad idea.
I really feel like we need to talk about this, although I'm not sure how to start the conversation. I'm also planning on talking to my friends and family if I can because I haven't mentioned it until the first time something happened and I want to see what other people think. I think that honesty is the best policy, but I always struggle to talk to people without holding my negative thoughts and feelings back. I think it's getting to the point where we both have things we're not really satisfied about. I'm not sure if they can really be fixed, but I guess I won't know unless we talk about it.
I've been feeling pretty good recently. Today I found out that I passed my first year of university, and I came home for the summer and saw my family for the first time in months. A couple of things are making me kind of emotional, but mostly I'm happy.
Thanks