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3 years gone and still struggling
Former Member
Posts: 687 Incredible Poster
***Could be triggering***
This is a piece of free writing so please take care when reading.
Society is crazy, its understanding and belief that grieving is this set process, this process that we all fall into after we have lost anyone close to us and yeah, pets are included in this too because people don't understand that they are very much apart of the family too. In some cases they are keeping us alive, they are something to talk to knowing you will feel no judgement and only a source of comfort which we need in our darkest hour.
I have only got to look at myself to figure out that grieving is something i very much struggle to do. Facing the truth is painful. It's almost been 3 years since my friend decided that life was too hard for him but it still feels like yesterday that i heard the news of his death. The why question consuming my mind still to this day, the trying to talk about it with my counsellor but running away from it because talking about it makes it seem real. I can still remember sat in the church with my two friends each side of me and both of them were crying and i took tissues with me, i gave some to each of them as i just sat there feeling nothing, in shock and i can hardly even remember the service. I was there but i wasn't there at the same time.
I just kept thinking about going home like where i was in that moment wasn't real, i treated it like a nightmare and i tried to rush back into 'normal' life to bury it in my mind. The speeches of the loved ones at the funeral i can just about remember, the songs played at the service i still listen to and the sadness and guilt i still hold on to.
It was particularly difficult for me because i came home to an empty house, my parents were in Italy celebrating their wedding anniversary. The house stood in silence, i was falling apart and just needed someone there, i would have done anything to have someone there with me. I remember it well, i came home and fell onto the sofa and fell asleep. I wanted to forget it happened. I felt the wave of guilt, upset and anger flooding my mind, i needed to punish myself so i hurt myself.
In my head i was thinking come home someone, i need help, please help me, i don't understand what is going on. My friend had taken his own life and there was so many missing parts of the puzzle, there was no relief from the thoughts in my head but the main thing is why? - that honestly is so painful and i guess i will never know but i always hope for a miracle.
He was my friend, my protector, he made me laugh and also taught me so much. I will forever cherish the time i had him in my life. Yes, i will struggle and sometimes i will think that life isn't worth it but the battle never ends.
This is a piece of free writing so please take care when reading.
Society is crazy, its understanding and belief that grieving is this set process, this process that we all fall into after we have lost anyone close to us and yeah, pets are included in this too because people don't understand that they are very much apart of the family too. In some cases they are keeping us alive, they are something to talk to knowing you will feel no judgement and only a source of comfort which we need in our darkest hour.
I have only got to look at myself to figure out that grieving is something i very much struggle to do. Facing the truth is painful. It's almost been 3 years since my friend decided that life was too hard for him but it still feels like yesterday that i heard the news of his death. The why question consuming my mind still to this day, the trying to talk about it with my counsellor but running away from it because talking about it makes it seem real. I can still remember sat in the church with my two friends each side of me and both of them were crying and i took tissues with me, i gave some to each of them as i just sat there feeling nothing, in shock and i can hardly even remember the service. I was there but i wasn't there at the same time.
I just kept thinking about going home like where i was in that moment wasn't real, i treated it like a nightmare and i tried to rush back into 'normal' life to bury it in my mind. The speeches of the loved ones at the funeral i can just about remember, the songs played at the service i still listen to and the sadness and guilt i still hold on to.
It was particularly difficult for me because i came home to an empty house, my parents were in Italy celebrating their wedding anniversary. The house stood in silence, i was falling apart and just needed someone there, i would have done anything to have someone there with me. I remember it well, i came home and fell onto the sofa and fell asleep. I wanted to forget it happened. I felt the wave of guilt, upset and anger flooding my mind, i needed to punish myself so i hurt myself.
In my head i was thinking come home someone, i need help, please help me, i don't understand what is going on. My friend had taken his own life and there was so many missing parts of the puzzle, there was no relief from the thoughts in my head but the main thing is why? - that honestly is so painful and i guess i will never know but i always hope for a miracle.
He was my friend, my protector, he made me laugh and also taught me so much. I will forever cherish the time i had him in my life. Yes, i will struggle and sometimes i will think that life isn't worth it but the battle never ends.
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Comments
Thank you for sharing your story. Its brave to do so. Firstly, I'm sorry you've had to go through such a difficult bereavement.
Grief is something the often happens in silence, and in isolation, so its great that you've reached out.
Free writing is also a positive way to get things out of your mind, and give yourself some relief.
You said your getting counselling, but still avoiding the topic, right? Counselling can be targeted at different things in your life. Perhaps looking at specific bereavement support could help you. Cruse are a bereavement support charity, they have a helpline and also local counselling services. https://www.cruse.org.uk/telephone-support
Your current counselling service may be able to point you in the right direction too, as cruse can have long waiting lists for face to face counselling - but not so much on the telephones.
You've mentioned the 'reality' of things quite a lot, like things not feeling real, or like everything seemingly a bad dream, I can certainly relate to those feelings around grief. Grieving is complicated, and most importantly different for everyone. There is no specific time scale to measure yourself against, but it could help you to reach out for specific help.
It must have been very difficult not having anyone around at the time, do you have a good network of support at the moment? Are you able to talk about this with friends and family?
You've talked about self-harm, and I'm sorry to hear your going through a rough time with that.
Here's some information you could look at
https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/self-harm/helping-yourself-now/#.Wr1SqNPwb9A
and on that link their are some other links that could be relevant to you.
It seems common to have some feelings of guilt around death and through grief, and especially considering that you lost your friend to suicide.
This link is to an american source but I think its quite good at looking at the difference of grieving process between death and suicide https://www.cmhc.utexas.edu/bethatone/studentscopingsuicide.html
The last thing you've said there is so strong, and really captures something true. Life is a bit of a battle, there's always things we have to overcome, and I think thats actually a really positive outlook. Just make sure you're well supported and make sure you look after yourself, there are also beautiful things in life, and you deserve them!
Let me know how you get on?
Thanks,
:rainbow:Puffin Ethics
I am deeply sorry for your story and admire you for the clearness of your post!! You managed to talk about your feelings in an extremely precise way; definitely therapy has had a great role in that!! You might still have difficulties in opening up about everything, but you were really brave to share your story and to describe your feelings!!
Therapy is some kind of "journey" and progress is constantly made. You might not notice it, but you are actually going on! The fact that you are still going to your counsellor is meaningful and is something to be proud of.
The "why" question is a difficult one, because humans always need to know why things happen and to find causes and effects. What's hard is to accept that sometimes the why question makes us suffer way more than not knowing the answer..
Life is a battle and you are being brave as you are facing the struggles the life determines!! keep on fighting :rainbow:
- Fran