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I'm a mess
Mirabelle
Posts: 1,020 Wise Owl
I'm on tour, but have taken a break until after Easter because of my music commitments. And then a wheel dropped off and I'm a mess. I don't know where to begin...
I'm at my aunt Fiona's where it's safe. I only come here when times are rough and it's been a long time since I was last here along the Côte d'Azur. Earlier this evening they'd switched venues so they flew me and my band across to France where we were late starting, but I thought it was all cool and good to change concert venues, but recent life events had to get in the way of my performance onstage when mid-song I got overcome by the memory of all ot it and my voice broke with emotion...but my band continued though they were looking worried.
Some guy up front in the audience called out "Chante en larmes - tu es belle quand même!" Translated it means "Sing in tears - you are beautiful anyway!" Tearful I called back "Merci! merci!" and waiting for my band to repeat, resumed my song. Just that my crying through it only made my fans all the more adoring which made me feel so undeserving, you know? If only they knew..the emotional mess I've been in lately; the breakup with Jules; being very frightened from having a stalker (the guy's still in jail, bail refused), and prior to him the rush of fans in town, plus my issues with being bullied and my dratting badass shrieking historian aunt being taken away from me for behaving absolutely appallingly awful last Wednesday night, legless on Lambrusco and foul mouthed with it - and then last Thursday I plastered a persistant Italian guy with a soda syphon for pursuing me, and then had his mama screeching abuse for ruining his best Amani jacket - oh fuck off willya holy smokes wazzamatter with them Italians? If I wore a top hat emblazoned with IMA LESBIAN MUCK OFF WILLYA? on it - the guys would still keep bugging me like flies.
My older aunty Fiona has taken over - but I'm a mess. My mascara has run and I look a goth with birds nest hair and I'm still buzzing from the residual adrenaline off the concert, but I stopped drinking now cos it messes up my head cos earlier I totally lost it in my hotel room.
I guess you're reading all this and thinking pretty bad of me, thinking I was strong and stuff. Well I am not. Im a freaking mess. I'm in pieces. I lost a best friend and she'll never come back and I'm scared of saying sorry cos I've been hurt, hurt time and time again and shitted around by people hating on me. The pressure of this music business is immense. Its relentless. I pulled away from living with a champagne swilling mega rich family who thought nothing but their selfish bloody selves and then get adopted by a ratarsed foul mouthed historian bint, and then get passed off to my lovely Fiona - uh-ohh, she's only married to a music boss who is connected with my previous family - and I have to perform with my band Jules gave me as a parting present - but it's being on constant contract and travelling countries between concerts. The money's incredibly good, but the dangers my late mother warned of didn't sink til now.
Earlier we did a 3 hour set - that was long! But our supporting band never turned up. I suppose on looking back it was a great concert except for my breaking down and crying and I still feel I don't deserved the adulation. And despite the problems at home theres another concert tomorrow just long the coast in France where we are now. But I don't know how long I can keep this up, or the notoriety or the drinking onstage.
I want to go home to my house in the country. Cuddle owly, bury my face in her wings enfolding me into her. And cuddle Wolfy all smelling of wet dog. I want to wake up to brand new day, take my darling's hand and find a quiet glade in the woods for us, or go down to the beach with my angler friends. No press cameras there. No reporters demanding to know why I smashed up my hotel room, getting their mikes in my face and blocking my way to the limo. And no seeing my face on French fucking televison thank you very much.
I'm at my aunt Fiona's where it's safe. I only come here when times are rough and it's been a long time since I was last here along the Côte d'Azur. Earlier this evening they'd switched venues so they flew me and my band across to France where we were late starting, but I thought it was all cool and good to change concert venues, but recent life events had to get in the way of my performance onstage when mid-song I got overcome by the memory of all ot it and my voice broke with emotion...but my band continued though they were looking worried.
Some guy up front in the audience called out "Chante en larmes - tu es belle quand même!" Translated it means "Sing in tears - you are beautiful anyway!" Tearful I called back "Merci! merci!" and waiting for my band to repeat, resumed my song. Just that my crying through it only made my fans all the more adoring which made me feel so undeserving, you know? If only they knew..the emotional mess I've been in lately; the breakup with Jules; being very frightened from having a stalker (the guy's still in jail, bail refused), and prior to him the rush of fans in town, plus my issues with being bullied and my dratting badass shrieking historian aunt being taken away from me for behaving absolutely appallingly awful last Wednesday night, legless on Lambrusco and foul mouthed with it - and then last Thursday I plastered a persistant Italian guy with a soda syphon for pursuing me, and then had his mama screeching abuse for ruining his best Amani jacket - oh fuck off willya holy smokes wazzamatter with them Italians? If I wore a top hat emblazoned with IMA LESBIAN MUCK OFF WILLYA? on it - the guys would still keep bugging me like flies.
My older aunty Fiona has taken over - but I'm a mess. My mascara has run and I look a goth with birds nest hair and I'm still buzzing from the residual adrenaline off the concert, but I stopped drinking now cos it messes up my head cos earlier I totally lost it in my hotel room.
I guess you're reading all this and thinking pretty bad of me, thinking I was strong and stuff. Well I am not. Im a freaking mess. I'm in pieces. I lost a best friend and she'll never come back and I'm scared of saying sorry cos I've been hurt, hurt time and time again and shitted around by people hating on me. The pressure of this music business is immense. Its relentless. I pulled away from living with a champagne swilling mega rich family who thought nothing but their selfish bloody selves and then get adopted by a ratarsed foul mouthed historian bint, and then get passed off to my lovely Fiona - uh-ohh, she's only married to a music boss who is connected with my previous family - and I have to perform with my band Jules gave me as a parting present - but it's being on constant contract and travelling countries between concerts. The money's incredibly good, but the dangers my late mother warned of didn't sink til now.
Earlier we did a 3 hour set - that was long! But our supporting band never turned up. I suppose on looking back it was a great concert except for my breaking down and crying and I still feel I don't deserved the adulation. And despite the problems at home theres another concert tomorrow just long the coast in France where we are now. But I don't know how long I can keep this up, or the notoriety or the drinking onstage.
I want to go home to my house in the country. Cuddle owly, bury my face in her wings enfolding me into her. And cuddle Wolfy all smelling of wet dog. I want to wake up to brand new day, take my darling's hand and find a quiet glade in the woods for us, or go down to the beach with my angler friends. No press cameras there. No reporters demanding to know why I smashed up my hotel room, getting their mikes in my face and blocking my way to the limo. And no seeing my face on French fucking televison thank you very much.
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Comments
After reading this I have a lot in my mind and I'll try to explain everything as best as I can.
I'll start just saying I'm sorry, sorry for your breakup, sorry for the difficulties you are facing and sorry because you feel you have shown a different version of yourself.
Well, you are a musician, so you'll know way better than me the great role that emotions have in music. when I listen to a song or when I go to a concert I don't simply want to distract for some time, but I want to feel something, to live an experience. your tears showed you as a human being: not a weak one, but simply a human being. The approval you received from your audience is the proof of your greatness as a musician, as it means that you have reached your audience's hearts. This is the reason why I strongly think you have totally deserved the approval and reaction you have received.
I don't like labelling people as strong or weak as I think it can cause them pressure and troubles. If people expect me to always be strong, I'd feel stressed whenever I don't feel like behaving strongly. In the same way, if people believe I'm weak, I'd never be free to express my real emotions as it could confirm the others' expectations.
So, I believe each one of us can have strong moments as well as weak moments. but they are just moments, not traits of personality. Reacting emotionally doesn't change who you are, but allows you to be who you are and you should be proud of yourself for not hiding your real feelings.
It seems like you are going through a lot and when this happens I think it's best to put oneself first and do something to relax. you said you'd like to go the country and cuddle Wolfy: well, I suggest that you'd do that. You deserve some time and space, some serendipity and evasion from everything just to focus on yourself and your feelings.
Hope things get better and positive they will
- Fran
I'm most grateful that you posted because I requested a staff member take down this post. Lately I haven't experienced any support on the forum, but since that concert someone came to see me at my aunt's home in France and spent a lot of time bringing me back from the edge. Being a well known musician in Europe (not the UK where we are virtually unknown), often means feeling dreadfully lonely, especially after doing a concert like previously and I came away upset and feeling very isolated and untrusting that people would use my notoriety as a means to get to know me, but in a negative way. Up onstage in front of 5,000+ is indeed a terrific feeling, but going home, I am left hanging in a void with one-one to put an arm around my shoulder. This situation is about to change, though, for there is someone who is very wanting of me and for all the right reasons. As for Jules, she remains good friends and has found another so there are no hard feelings.
I need to do more self-care, though this morning I walked the shores past Le Lavandou to find seashells and pebbles of glass frosted from being tumbled by waves along the coastline; and various coloured bottles. My other self-care hobby is being sheltered in my bivvy on the beach while fishing. I'll have a thermos of hot soup or tea, and my big woolly dog will be keeping me warm as he leans cosily up against me. The occasional thwack of his tail reminding me he's always wanting to be stroked. My dog's friendship is unconditional, so when my friends are gone, then it's just Wolfy and me and beyond us a silvery sea as flat as glass stretching into a misty horizon. Sometimes I light a cigarette and watch the smoke drift away, likening it to friends who for only ephemeral moments stay before going away to forget me forever.
Nearer to home, and the historian aunt will thankfully be gone - thus removing my feelings of rage and frustration that she deliberately stirred up to annoy me. I have an older aunt I have always felt more comfortable with called Fiona and she is adopting me so I will have a mum, and a proper one this time. Fiona also has been helping lift my spirits, and take me out in her Bentley sportscar. There opposite a backdrop of mediterranean plane trees I let her see me weep. Told aunty that loneliness is a constant state of being, and I may never find someone to help take away the existence of emptiness. One thing is absolutely certain; friends won't be found here! Well, wise Fiona came back with a surprise, one I never even suspected. A friend of hers has a daughter just like me, who is a musician and who is gay and might I like to meet her? I hardly needed to say yes! So today I met her, and to my amazement found she was so interesting - having a terrific conversation that enlightened and amused. After having lunched with us, she took me to meet her family. Now, I am feeling much better with a new will to keep going forwards and having a special friend that could become even more special as time goes on.
After playing Venice this week - another unexpected unplanned venue - we will go home and my newly introduced friend come with me. She's very into self-care herself, and a strong character sharing similar interests to me. So there is hope.
Thank you Fran.
Belle
I've now closed your thread for you. Do let us know if there's anything else we can help you with.
All the best,
- Aife