How to tell a friend you don’t want to move out with them?

One-in-a-million

So it hasn’t actually happened (yet) but my friend has managed to get her own house. She’s been in a lot of trouble in the past with the police and stuff but I’ve always helped her out.

So her Mum kicked her out a while ago and she was homeless I would have helped her out but I live with my parents so I couldn’t do anything.

But now she has got her own house, she originally had one of her best friends living there as a lodger but they have had a massive fall out and she kicked him out. She has managed to find someone else (another friend) but she did admit that if he didn’t need housing then she was going to ask me to move in. I’m worried that if they fall out or something that she will ask me but I don’t think I’m ready for that... ok I’m 23 next week but that’s not what is worrying me this is...

1. She doesn’t work and I do, I have a bad feeling that due to me working I would upset her benefits that she’s currently on and/or I would end up paying the bills..

2. Space, the house is tiny and I don’t think I would have enough of my own space (if that makes sense)

3. Living conditions, At the moment the house is in very bad condition which includes mold, I’m an asthmatic so mold could make me quite ill and in all fairness it could make her ill too.

Not only that but the boiler is broke and they have currently had a leak.

3. Work, due to her record if I lived with her it could potentially effect my job as I work with children. Although she hasn’t done anything drastic her record wouldn’t allow her to work with children so I presume if I lived with her it would effect me. It is also a further distance by aproxemtly 15minutes meaning instead of taking me 10minutes to walk Work it would now be 25-30mins.

4. Friends, I like to know the people I’m with. She had got friends that I don’t know and visa versa. I don’t want to be in the house if she has got a friend around who I feel uncomfortable around (there has been one who I’m a bit uncomfortable with.)

5. Money, I’m pretty sure me moving out would effect her benefits and we would end up living on my income which I don’t think would be quite enough to cover what we would need.... (not sure) I know I said it in (1.) but I’m worried I’d end up paying alot towards the cost of living and I’m only on minimum wage so I don’t think I could cover it all myself meaning we would be in debt and loose the house and she would be back on the streets.

Prehaps I’m over thinking it???? But I don’t think it would be a good idea for me to move out with her. I’m hoping that she doesn’t fall out with this friend and kick him out too. But if she does she will ask me, how to I explain that I don’t want to move out with her without being rude or upsetting her...

Rayofhope

Hi one-in-a-million,

This can defiantly be a confusing situation to be in and it makes complete sense that you don't feel ready to move in with a friend. Do you think you might be able to just sit down with her at some point and just say that you don't feel ready to move out at the moment? I am sure that a friend would understand this and hopefully wouldn't push it any further.

It seems that you have also thought about all of the possibilities of moving in together and that this decision has been made for the right reason which you want. Maybe you could explain to her your thoughts on the money side of things and you don't want it to effect her benefits. You also mentioned the impact which it may have on your health, i think she would understand this and wouldn't want to make it worse. Well done for reaching out for help on here.

Hope things are alright, How are you?

Rayofhope:rainbow:

JustV

Hey OIAM,

Good to see you posting.

Honestly, reading your post it sounds like you've got plenty of reasons not to move in with her. It doesn't sound like you're overthinking it, because really, just not wanting to move in with someone is a perfectly valid thing, even without all the reasons you listed. Although it can feel like we do, we don't always have to justify the choices me make.

As Rayofhope said, focusing on the money side and your health could be a good way to go if you were keen to avoid any upset. They're both less emotional and more logical reasons, which in theory might make it harder for her to hold anything against you for your decision. But failing that, just saying "I don't feel ready for this" is perfectly legitimate, and one would hope that an understanding friend would respect that and not take it personally. Of course that's not always the case and we don't know your friend, so it's hard to say.

Still, hopefully it doesn't get to that stage! Can I ask if you get on with her more generally? It sounds like you have quite a supportive relationship with her, and those relationships can be really tough when feelings of obligation start creeping in.

Keep us posted.

Former Member

Hey @One-in-a-million,
I don't think you are overthinking. I actually thinking that pointing out all the reasons why you, understandably, wouldn't like to move out with your friend you are proving great maturity and reflexivity.
You shouldn't feel forced to do something that goes against your plans, wishes or needs. So, if moving out with your friend wouldn't be good for you, you have every right to tell her straightly. As already said by Rayofhope, you could focus on rational and logic points, such as your health and the money in order not to upset her.
A friend would understand your reason as they sound pretty logical. There's no need for you to do something against your will, as it's a big decision!

Let us know

- Fran

One-in-a-million

Hi guys I’m sorry for the late reply.
She hasn’t asked me so far which is a big relief, I think you guys have proved quite a good point with what you have said. I just don’t see how it would work. If anything I would be better off moving out on my own than with her. That may sound horrible but the fact is she isn’t very good a budgeting and has ran into a problem or 2 with money and if that was to happen while I was living there it would put a lot of pressure on me...
But I wouldn’t say that to her as I think it sounds horrible. But I think I would tell her about the health reasons and try explaining about the money. I’m just hoping she doesn’t end up asking so that I can avoid the situation.

Thank you so much guys

JustV

Any update on this, OIAM? I hope you've managed to avoid any awkwardness!