Need some help/advice with mum issues

Former Member

Ok hey all, I'm new to this but I'm coming to the end of my patience.

So a very long story short, me my mum and younger brother were all emotionally and physically abused by my dad. He was arrested and removed from the home over 10 years ago now.

I have since moved out to live with my boyfriend and now live about 45 minutes from my mum and younger brother. The reason I trying to ask for help is beacuse I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, but I'm not sure if how I'm feeling is right. My mum will always complain to me and family memebers/friends that she doesn't see me enough, I visit at least once a week even though I work 6 days a week. In the 7 months since I have moved out, she has visited me 3 times.

She can be quite verbally abusive and then tends to cry if confronted. She is the same with my brother when he goes out and she can quite often hit below the belt (i.e. comment on weight, comment on how we look, compare us to our dad etc).

I am now at the point where I am very tired with trying to keep her happy, but also do not want to abandon her as she herself has been through a lot.....

Any advice would be greatly appreciated xx:no:

Former Member

Hi @Past User

Firstly, welcome and thank you for sharing here, and I'm so sorry to hear that you went through that.

To be honest, visiting once a week when your family live 45 minutes away, while working 6 days a week, is really quite impressive. My family live about an hour away from me, I work 5 days a week and I probably visit once a month. Please don't feel guilty for not seeing them enough. It does sound like your mum wants to have you and your brother around as much as possible and may not know how to show this to you without resorting to guilt tripping/hitting below the belt. But as you say yourself, she has been through a lot too, and remember this can affect people in different ways. Do you feel you could sit down and talk to her about your concerns? There's an article that might help here: http://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-relationships/family-life/when-parents-wont-let-go-3291.html

You mentioned you're not sure how you're feeling is right - is that to do with your diagnosis, and do you want to talk about that some more?

- Lucy

Former Member

Hi @Lucy307

Thanks so much for your kind welcome!

Thanks so much for your response, it's nice hear others persepctive. Thank you so much with what you have said, just reading your response is reassurance for me.

I have looked at the article you mentioned and it really did help thank you!

I think that is to do with my diagnosis unfortunately, I never know if I'm over reacting to things or if I am right in how I'm feeling, I get myself very confused

But Honestly thank you so much for your response, it's nice to talk these things through, I never realised, I always thought it was a sign of weakness

Former Member

Hi @Past User

Welcome to the mix and well done for reaching out for support.

Sorry to read that your past has been so turbulent well done for sticking with it and continuing through the tough times.

I understand its hard when your friend is being abuse if to you its never easy to feel you have someone who can support you.

Depression and anxiety are quite challenging and tricky things to live with. Have any you been able to reach out for any support for this? There are some mental health teams in most areas.

Would you ever feel that you could talk to your boyfriend about anything? If you have anytime during the night we do run some support chats and support circles between 8pm-9:30pm if you want to come through to them http://www.themix.org.uk/get-support/group-chat (bit more information about the chats)

Speak soon

Abi

Former Member

Hey @Past User

I just want to say it's great that you've decided to talk about how you're feeling

It sounds like your mum is struggling with you not being home as much as you used to be, although I definitely think you're trying your best to be there for her. If you feel okay with it, you could try talking to her about how you feel, maybe with your brother there if you think that would help. This could be a good opportunity to make sure you're on the same page and that there hasn't been any misunderstandings.

Also about your diagnosis, I think it's there to help out the therapist etc. more than anything else. Try not to read too much into it, as everyone's experience of things like depression can be very different.

I know how it feels to be confused and unsure , but talking about it can really help you see a new perspective and to clear your mind.
You can always use the online chat or helpline 0808 808 4994 here at mix if you want a chat.

I hope this helps
Tash