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Crying in the dark

MirabelleMirabelle Owl WhispererKensington.Posts: 1,020 The Mix Regular
Last Sunday morning I was in a cafe enjoying coffee when a girl asked would I mind sharing my table? I said no and pulled up a chair. Thanking me, she turned and picked up her baby and sat. She looked so happy with her little bundle of joy. I couldn't stop staring at how beautiful her little girl was. And then the memories returned as I knew they would and I just sat there letting the tears well up to fall down my cheeks. Can't stop the pain now, the heartache of my loss. I just sat looking at the bubblesome baby and my face was wet and then I managed to tell the mother of my loss. It was Harriet's anniversary this week, I choked out.

I was very, very young when I had my baby. In the short time Harriet lived, my life was fulfilled even though parents were fussing, all my world was, was my little bundle of joy. She had bright blue eyes and a happy face. Love never dies I keep telling myself.

My daughter's life was cut irreversibly short, but her love lives on forever. I love my child just as much as you love yours; the only difference is mine lives in heaven and talking about her is taboo in our culture because culture isn't great about hearing about children gone too soon.

As the tears roll down my cheeks, I am finding it so hard to write the words the heart cannot speak. Though aunty prayed with me to find comfort, I have yet to find any. Even at sixteen, life doesn't get easier even though grief counsellors try, they cannot heal a mother grieving for her child. Two years have taught me is that life is so unbelievably fragile. Life is not promised, do you hear me? We are but one breath, one heartbeat from it being over. We must savour every moment, every breath, and be thankful when you open your eyes in the morning.

When I look into the night
I see a sea of stars
Every single one a constellation
In brightly shining silver veil.
There are stars so far away
We only see their light long after they are gone.
Their memories keep shining ever brightly
Though their time with us is done.

Harriet is gone now, but being her mum albeit a very young mum was the best gift I have ever been given.

'If you think education is expensive, try estimating the cost of ignorance'.

- Howard Gardner

Comments

  • Lucy307Lucy307 UKPosts: 909 Part of The Mix Family
    Hi @Mirabelle,

    I'm so sorry you have been through this. I can't begin to imagine how hard it has been and continues to be. Do you want to talk about Harriet some more?

    Thought I'd share this quote as it continually gives me comfort after losing a loved one last year:
    "Grief, I've learned, is really just love. It's all the love you want to give but cannot. All of that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go."

    Hope that may resonate in a helpful way :heart:*hug* always here if you want to talk.

    - Lucy
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
  • MirabelleMirabelle Owl Whisperer Kensington.Posts: 1,020 The Mix Regular
    Hey @Lucy307 Thank you for what you shared, I appreciated everything you said.

    But I can't talk about Harriet at the moment and I don't think I can. It has been difficult enough for me to come here and write. Also because the more I talk about her here, the more likely I'll be judged and criticised. :(

    But thank you. And for those words in bold.

    ~ Belle
    'If you think education is expensive, try estimating the cost of ignorance'.

    - Howard Gardner
  • Lucy307Lucy307 UKPosts: 909 Part of The Mix Family
    Hi Belle

    Of course, and if you do ever want to talk about it we’re all here to listen. Otherwise we will just send virtual hugs!

    It’s really brave to open up about this so thank you for sharing how you’re feeling. I’m concerned that you feel like you may be judged and criticised here, though, why is that?

    - Lucy
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
  • MirabelleMirabelle Owl Whisperer Kensington.Posts: 1,020 The Mix Regular
    Because I know there are people here who will bend the rules to get at me. They have done it before in chat, bending the rules, so there is every risk here.

    I am grateful to you for reaching out to me.
    'If you think education is expensive, try estimating the cost of ignorance'.

    - Howard Gardner
  • Teh_GerbilTeh_Gerbil Stalin's Organist Posts: 13,327
    Mirabelle wrote: »
    Hey [USER="99408"]Lucy307[/USER] Thank you for what you shared, I appreciated everything you said.

    But I can't talk about Harriet at the moment and I don't think I can. It has been difficult enough for me to come here and write. Also because the more I talk about her here, the more likely I'll be judged and criticised. :(

    But thank you. And for those words in bold.

    ~ Belle

    You've been brave already sharing this much. Having a good cry does help, it's how we deal with things. Got to let those emotions flow and as you said, remember what we had and the good things that have been. Life is too short and cruel, it feels, but the truth is life is neither loving nor vindictive, it just is. So cry, and remember, and let the tears roll down your face and see the beauty in every moment. Let those whom will judge you do so if they wish, and have their moment of feeling so high and mighty on their throne, for it is worthless in reality, and will bring them naught.

    Don't let the bastards grind you down.
  • MirabelleMirabelle Owl Whisperer Kensington.Posts: 1,020 The Mix Regular
    Teh_Gerbil wrote: »

    You've been brave already sharing this much. Having a good cry does help, it's how we deal with things. Got to let those emotions flow and as you said, remember what we had and the good things that have been. Life is too short and cruel, it feels, but the truth is life is neither loving nor vindictive, it just is. So cry, and remember, and let the tears roll down your face and see the beauty in every moment. Let those whom will judge you do so if they wish, and have their moment of feeling so high and mighty on their throne, for it is worthless in reality, and will bring them naught.

    Don't let the bastards grind you down.

    Thank you, dear friend :)
    'If you think education is expensive, try estimating the cost of ignorance'.

    - Howard Gardner
  • Pabs11Pabs11 Newbie Posts: 17 Confirmed not a robot
    Well it's me Belle,
    I have read your above thread and i am so sorry you had to go trough all that pain at such a young age, as i am 19 and yet to find my one love, i deeply feel what you are going through as i have lost my granddad around 4 years ago, even though i know its not the same as loosing your child, and i may not understand the exact pain that it carries, but i know that everyday that passes there will be something that reminds you of that loss like your encounter in the cafe for me it's being reminded at a place that i used to see him.
    But i hope that you find your peace and can finally let go.
    Thanks,
    Pabs
  • MirabelleMirabelle Owl Whisperer Kensington.Posts: 1,020 The Mix Regular
    Pabs11 wrote: »
    Well it's me Belle,
    I have read your above thread and i am so sorry you had to go trough all that pain at such a young age, as i am 19 and yet to find my one love, i deeply feel what you are going through as i have lost my granddad around 4 years ago, even though i know its not the same as loosing your child, and i may not understand the exact pain that it carries, but i know that everyday that passes there will be something that reminds you of that loss like your encounter in the cafe for me it's being reminded at a place that i used to see him.
    But i hope that you find your peace and can finally let go.
    Thanks,
    Pabs

    Hi Pabs,

    I am very sorry for the loss of your granddad. Losing family is never easy and when we are especially close to a relative, our bereavement becomes more acute.

    Last weekend I was in Majorca where I visited my little one's resting place in Alcúdia. I was a crying mess at Harriet's grave and could not be consoled. I doubt I shall ever come to terms with the passing of my daughter. She passed away from pneumonia in my arms and I remain as heartbroken now as during that dreadful night.

    Harriet's anniversary this year seems worse to deal with than last year. I did not find bereavement counselling for the loss of my child at all helpful. At the time it felt as if the counsellor was judging me for being such a tender young mother. After her burial, people withdrew their support except for close family. I have reached the conclusion that if you don't behave in a certain way - if you're too angry, or you don't seem to be engulfed in your grief, for example - the people around you withdraw their support. They get angry with you, and you lose their sympathy and this is what happened to me last year and leading to the present. Yet, publicly I have shown grief in our village of Alcúdia and last weekend in Palma, too, but people we knew shunned me. I was a good and kind mother, a protective mother and I gave my little one all my love and people did that. They would not look me in the eye. They turned away and shunned me. It felt as if I never existed. :(
    'If you think education is expensive, try estimating the cost of ignorance'.

    - Howard Gardner
  • FranFran Posts: 118 Boards Initiate
    Hey @Mirabelle :heart:
    Thank you for sharing your touching story! I really admire you for that! I just want to send you a virtual hug and nothing more :heart:
    Don't care about what people say and do; it's always easier to judge than to actually act, but I prefer the second type of people. Only you have the right to know what feelings you have felt and still are feeling and you should be free to express them as you want!!

    Take care,

    Fran
  • MirabelleMirabelle Owl Whisperer Kensington.Posts: 1,020 The Mix Regular
    Fran wrote: »
    Hey @Mirabelle :heart:
    Thank you for sharing your touching story! I really admire you for that! I just want to send you a virtual hug and nothing more :heart:
    Don't care about what people say and do; it's always easier to judge than to actually act, but I prefer the second type of people. Only you have the right to know what feelings you have felt and still are feeling and you should be free to express them as you want!!

    Take care,

    Fran

    Thank you for your kind words, @Fran :heart:

    Recently I made a memory box to hold my little one's belongings, including some knitted socks and a woolly hat that I made for her a fortnight before she died. It's a beautiful old box inlaid with marquetry patterns which now has become very special. As for those who have judged me and said hurtful things, there is one thing which if people ever break with me, they will never get back - and that is trust. Now Harriet's anniversary is passed, her loving memory remains held in my heart and I walk on knowing that there is life to be led and a lifestyle to be danced to. What others think no longer matters.
    'If you think education is expensive, try estimating the cost of ignorance'.

    - Howard Gardner
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