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Feel desperate and left alone
Former Member
Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
So a lot of things are happening to me at the moment that all join and affect each other but I will try to focus on the most important things.
My Current situation is a person with ‘dual diagnosis’ or ‘complex needs’ living alone somewhere I never should have ended up but did because every support service said I was too complicated for them to help. So I am in a private rented flat which has made me worse meaning I now get mood swings and hear voices and I act very impulsively because of these things. At least there are people who understand this and so I know they are trying to get me into the Supported Accommodation I went and looked at and was referred to before Christmas. But it is a very long process for this to happen and I need help now.
Professionals don’t believe that I hear the voices, they think they are my own thoughts and therefore refuse to help me with them. They don’t see the mood swings and therefore don’t belive me about them either so I am left to deal with these two issues alone.
To cope with all this and my other issues I self harm and have done for 7 years, I also take overdoses for the last 2 years which are all suicide attempts and I stopped eating when I started to believe that food or drink makes me feel suicidal. Now I am only able to eat very small amounts of food and have a lot of rules I made that I need to follow. I am also now underweight and so have had a high calorie and nutritional drink prescribed for each day. I know that harming myself works and makes me feel better so I still do it and with how I am at the moment I’m desperate to harm myself most of the time.
Also before Christmas my CPN told me not to self harm or overdose because it is something that could make the supported accommodation say no to accepting me. So therefore I now have more severely harmful things I want to do instead. I talked to my CPN honestly about these 2 ides and was told one of them would get me either sectioned or arrested by police. What I can’t understand is if I want to do something this serious why am I left alone to do it at anytime? Also the Voices I hear tell me to attack those people that are supposed to help but don’t because without them I could do what the voices want me to knowing I have no-one to help. I am unable to tell anyone about this part because as they do not believe I have voices I am not allowed to talk about them, it’s the same with my eating issues that because my CPN does not understand it I am not allowed to talk about it.
To me and the information from Mind I have read I am in what they define as a crisis. I have these two new more serious plans to harm/kill myself and I also have voices that want me to harm others. The issue with this is that I am left alone needing to deal with all of this myself. I know I will not be admitted to hospital again because the condition I was diagnosed with when I was there is apparently better treated in the community than in hospital. I am also never going to get help from a Crisis Team because they say I feel suicidal/hear voices regularly so it’s not a crisis even like now when they are particularly bad. There is nothing else that exists as far as I know so I am alone.
No-one understands how desperate to harm myself I get, how difficult it is not to and so how close I get to doing something or that the things I have done for so long now does not make me feel better anymore. It’s like I am begging people for help but am still alone and just told to wait for the accommodation which will take months. At the moment what I want is to be in hospital, even just for a day after an overdose (but recently they don’t admit me for that anymore either), just 1 days break from all of this would be amazing. So the thing that may get me sectioned/arrested (don’t know which, and also don’t know if a section would get me admitted to hospital over the fact I am not allowed to be now) is looking more and more like my best option because it’s most likely to kill me which then means I don’t care about being sectioned or arrested because I’d be dead.
If anyone is still reading then you deserve a massive ‘thank you’ from me for taking the time to read all of this, it means a lot. You may not believe me but this is a shortened version of all the issues I have some have not even been mentioned. But finally I ask, am I doing the right things? What is my best option? And what do I need to do to get help?
My Current situation is a person with ‘dual diagnosis’ or ‘complex needs’ living alone somewhere I never should have ended up but did because every support service said I was too complicated for them to help. So I am in a private rented flat which has made me worse meaning I now get mood swings and hear voices and I act very impulsively because of these things. At least there are people who understand this and so I know they are trying to get me into the Supported Accommodation I went and looked at and was referred to before Christmas. But it is a very long process for this to happen and I need help now.
Professionals don’t believe that I hear the voices, they think they are my own thoughts and therefore refuse to help me with them. They don’t see the mood swings and therefore don’t belive me about them either so I am left to deal with these two issues alone.
To cope with all this and my other issues I self harm and have done for 7 years, I also take overdoses for the last 2 years which are all suicide attempts and I stopped eating when I started to believe that food or drink makes me feel suicidal. Now I am only able to eat very small amounts of food and have a lot of rules I made that I need to follow. I am also now underweight and so have had a high calorie and nutritional drink prescribed for each day. I know that harming myself works and makes me feel better so I still do it and with how I am at the moment I’m desperate to harm myself most of the time.
Also before Christmas my CPN told me not to self harm or overdose because it is something that could make the supported accommodation say no to accepting me. So therefore I now have more severely harmful things I want to do instead. I talked to my CPN honestly about these 2 ides and was told one of them would get me either sectioned or arrested by police. What I can’t understand is if I want to do something this serious why am I left alone to do it at anytime? Also the Voices I hear tell me to attack those people that are supposed to help but don’t because without them I could do what the voices want me to knowing I have no-one to help. I am unable to tell anyone about this part because as they do not believe I have voices I am not allowed to talk about them, it’s the same with my eating issues that because my CPN does not understand it I am not allowed to talk about it.
To me and the information from Mind I have read I am in what they define as a crisis. I have these two new more serious plans to harm/kill myself and I also have voices that want me to harm others. The issue with this is that I am left alone needing to deal with all of this myself. I know I will not be admitted to hospital again because the condition I was diagnosed with when I was there is apparently better treated in the community than in hospital. I am also never going to get help from a Crisis Team because they say I feel suicidal/hear voices regularly so it’s not a crisis even like now when they are particularly bad. There is nothing else that exists as far as I know so I am alone.
No-one understands how desperate to harm myself I get, how difficult it is not to and so how close I get to doing something or that the things I have done for so long now does not make me feel better anymore. It’s like I am begging people for help but am still alone and just told to wait for the accommodation which will take months. At the moment what I want is to be in hospital, even just for a day after an overdose (but recently they don’t admit me for that anymore either), just 1 days break from all of this would be amazing. So the thing that may get me sectioned/arrested (don’t know which, and also don’t know if a section would get me admitted to hospital over the fact I am not allowed to be now) is looking more and more like my best option because it’s most likely to kill me which then means I don’t care about being sectioned or arrested because I’d be dead.
If anyone is still reading then you deserve a massive ‘thank you’ from me for taking the time to read all of this, it means a lot. You may not believe me but this is a shortened version of all the issues I have some have not even been mentioned. But finally I ask, am I doing the right things? What is my best option? And what do I need to do to get help?
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Comments
Firstly I want to say what an amazing step you have taken by opening up, I am sorry to hear about everything that is going on for you.
I just wanted to offer you some *hug*s
Do keep posting if you need some more support.
Firstly, well done for coming on here and writing about this as it can be difficult to talk about. You should be proud of yourself for taking this step! It seems like you're going through a really difficult time at the moment but you deserve to be happy and feel good. One thing you may not realise which we are here to help you realise, is that posting on here was already the first step to getting better because you acknowledged there was a problem and you're asking for assistance! You are already one step ahead and you should be insanely proud of yourself for that!
In terms of these voices which you are hearing, have you gone to the NHS or a psychiatrist to diagnose you with anything? When you mentioned professionals, did you mean your doctor? If you want to know more about the voices which you are hearing, there are plenty of useful websites out there which we will link for you. Here are some:
- https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/a-to-z/h/hearing-voices
- http://www.hearing-voices.org/ - here you can directly contact these people by post, e-mail or phone if you would like to talk about these voices which you're hearing and get more professional help.
With your self-harm, it's really good that you are resisting to self-harm, and you are definitely not the only person who feels the way you do, but regardless, you don't deserve to feel this way! Feeling helpless during times like these is natural particularly when certain interventions haven't worked out for you, but we are here to guide you to alternative places to try to get some expert help from other people! And we are always here for a chat either way
Because we aren't experts we cannot give out diagnoses or tell you exactly how to react to your symptoms, as this does require expert advice, however there are plenty of places which you can contact for some advice (linked below).
You are worthy of being here and living your life, and your life is worth so much more than you may think at the moment. You seem to be struggling at the moment, but that doesn't mean that you will always be struggling, and that's what we are here for! You are part of this community and we all care about you and want you to feel better and be in a better head space! Try to take things one at a time and try to not pressure yourself too much. You're doing really well, and as we said before, just posting about this is the first step to getting better, so well done!
Here are some links which you may find useful"
- https://papyrus-uk.org/
- http://www.sane.org.uk/home
- https://www.samaritans.org/
Look forward to hearing from you soon!
Drea*hug*
I just want to say it's great that you've decided to talk about what's going on, this is often the hardest but most important step
If you feel like you are going to attempt suicide, you can go to A+E where they should be able to keep you safe. I have been suicidal in the past and have been very close to attempting suicide, but when I went to A+E I definitely felt a lot safer, as I knew I wouldn't be able to hurt myself there. The hospital has the responsibility to help you if you are in danger, so please do not feel scared to go if you don't feel safe.
The other thing is that things will get better. From what you've described it does sound like you are feeling rock bottom, but I promise that you will be able to pull through this and get some support. You can try approaching things day by day by setting yourself mini goals like I'm going to get out of bed today, I'm going to try talking to a friend, I'm going to bake a cake etc. Anything that you think that will help you get through the day.
Feel free to talk on here or pm if you want a chat
Tash *hug*