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Should I break up with my boyfriend?
Former Member
Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi guys! I'm new here so I'm sorry if this is in the wrong place but I'm just looking for some advice 
Me and my boyfriend have been together for nearly 2 years now but since we left uni 7 months ago everything seems to have gone downhill and I don't know whether it's just because of post-uni circumstances or because we're just not working together anymore.
Neither of us knew what we wanted to do straight after university so we ended up going back to living with parents at opposite ends of the country. The long distance is rubbish so he came up to live with me and my parents for a while before Christmas. We decided we would spend a few more months after Christmas living with my parents and then we would move in with his parents in the spring to help split the time fairly while we save some money for our own place. The only problem is, he still hasn't come back after visiting home over Christmas like we agreed and every week there is a new excuse for him to stay down there. He clearly doesn't want to come back up but he just won't tell me the truth. On top of this, it turns out his parents think I forced him to come and live with me before Christmas and think that I am controlling him. This isn't true, I said all along we would split the time evenly but someone had to move first and he volunteered willingly.
Basically, all of this has resulted in a lot of arguments and me no longer feeling welcome going to his parents' place because of what they think of me. They've even gone so far as to make comments about my parents' jobs and home as though they aren't good enough (they are very well off and middle class; my family are not). He has a bit of a history with not telling the truth and I just don't know what I can and can't believe any more. I want to start a masters in September and I would have loved for us to have had our own place somewhere by then if that was what he wanted as well (which he said it was). But now it seems as though he doesn't want to move in together at all because he is avoiding he topic entirely. I've tried to talk to him about this but it always ends in him saying that he needs to talk to his parents about what they think and want first (he is 23 and I'm not sure why he has to do this). Or telling me that of course he wants to move in together, he just needs to [insert random excuse] before we make any plans. He even keeps cancelling our phone calls or skypes because his parents think we talk too much.
I care about him deeply but I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who won't even tell me what they want anymore and is pretty much avoiding me. It's driving me insane and I've thought about it all so much that it's all just an incomprehensible mess in my head now.
So do I break up and move on or do I try and stick it out and hope things start to move forward?
Any advice at all would be awesome, thanks!
Me and my boyfriend have been together for nearly 2 years now but since we left uni 7 months ago everything seems to have gone downhill and I don't know whether it's just because of post-uni circumstances or because we're just not working together anymore.
Neither of us knew what we wanted to do straight after university so we ended up going back to living with parents at opposite ends of the country. The long distance is rubbish so he came up to live with me and my parents for a while before Christmas. We decided we would spend a few more months after Christmas living with my parents and then we would move in with his parents in the spring to help split the time fairly while we save some money for our own place. The only problem is, he still hasn't come back after visiting home over Christmas like we agreed and every week there is a new excuse for him to stay down there. He clearly doesn't want to come back up but he just won't tell me the truth. On top of this, it turns out his parents think I forced him to come and live with me before Christmas and think that I am controlling him. This isn't true, I said all along we would split the time evenly but someone had to move first and he volunteered willingly.
Basically, all of this has resulted in a lot of arguments and me no longer feeling welcome going to his parents' place because of what they think of me. They've even gone so far as to make comments about my parents' jobs and home as though they aren't good enough (they are very well off and middle class; my family are not). He has a bit of a history with not telling the truth and I just don't know what I can and can't believe any more. I want to start a masters in September and I would have loved for us to have had our own place somewhere by then if that was what he wanted as well (which he said it was). But now it seems as though he doesn't want to move in together at all because he is avoiding he topic entirely. I've tried to talk to him about this but it always ends in him saying that he needs to talk to his parents about what they think and want first (he is 23 and I'm not sure why he has to do this). Or telling me that of course he wants to move in together, he just needs to [insert random excuse] before we make any plans. He even keeps cancelling our phone calls or skypes because his parents think we talk too much.
I care about him deeply but I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who won't even tell me what they want anymore and is pretty much avoiding me. It's driving me insane and I've thought about it all so much that it's all just an incomprehensible mess in my head now.
So do I break up and move on or do I try and stick it out and hope things start to move forward?
Any advice at all would be awesome, thanks!
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Comments
I am so sorry you are having such a dreadful time not knowing where you stand in this relationship with your boyfriend. The single most erosional situation with him is his blatant lack of communication, and secondly, the deplorable lack of him having an open and honest time with you. Clearly this has not been happening and if your relationship hasn't already gone on the rocks, not helping are his parents sounding unfriendly and giving the impression of being unsympathetic.
Your boyfriend's history of not telling the truth must be raising questions, too, but despite arguments and your feeling no longer welcome with his snooty parents while bearing in mind that a phone call could become acrimonious, I think it would be for the best if you write him a letter explaining your feelings. In it, make a time to meet to talk about your future together. If that does come about, find a neutral place so where you will feel comfortable.
You cannot stop a letter winging its way in the post, and better still send it by registered post, so he has to sign for it. Start making applications to universities (unless you already have a place) and concentrate on looking after yourself in the meantime. By your carefully written post, it seems to me that he is already backing away, in which case this hurtful situation can only become better for your looking after Number One. Yeah! :thumb:
It's awesome you are doing your Masters! What is the subject?
Wishing you all the very best,
Belle
You write very eloquently and clearly explaining your dilemma. I can hear the frustration you feel and how his lack of clarity and communication is infuriating.
Good idea to write all your thoughts down to him. You will then be able to gauge the situation more from his response to this.
It sounds like his parents are having a significant influence on him, has this always been the case ? I am only guessing, has he perhaps backed away a bit because they are wanting to control the situation? When you were both at Uni they did not have as much say in your relationship, you say that things have gone downhill since you left Uni .
Do let us know how you get on and if you need further guidance.
take care
I am sorry about how you are feeling and I really hope you two can find a solution together that make you feel better.
Finishing university can be really hard, especially if you don't clearly have on your mind what to do next. Only those who experience it can fully understand how many different decisions you have to take, focusing both on present and future. So it is definitely a particular moment for both of you.
It seems that your families are different, because his family is more controlling than yours, is it right? It seems like he is confused, because he gives you different excuses and postpones the moving. You have already said that this could be due to his controlling family; this could be also linked to the moment of confusion you are both experiencing.
talking is always important and if he doesn't do that, it could be you to be in charge of it and start facing the situation writing down your thoughts and feelings. Communication always is the most important element in a relationship.
You said that you've been told about bad comments about you and your family that his parents made; remember that referred information can be different from the original version, so maybe in this difficult moment focusing too much on that would cause you way too much trouble when you already have to face serious matters about your relationship.
If you still think that there can be a future for the two of you, maybe 'fighting' for it could be worthy and it could start writing to him, because sometimes writing is easier and way more clear than talking.
I wish you luck :rainbow: