If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Read the community guidelines before posting ✨
Empty
Former Member
Owl WhispererPosts: 1,020 Wise Owl
This is very difficult to write. I'd sooner be writing a 10,000 word thesis on Tudor history than trying to explain why my late mother seemingly loved me, yet led a secret lifestyle of expensive addiction and having an unforgivably cruel heart towards animals and vulnerable young people. Crueller still was using my sister and I as objects regarded only for sexual allure, yet at the time I was unaware of the gravity of our mother's actions. She concealed her secret activities with an outward innocence while disclosing damning evidence written up in her journal, and writing it at a place that none of my family even knew of its existence.
I loved my mother so deeply. She and I were as close as two peas in a pod. During my home schooling she would help me with my learning difficulties making it effortless to express myself in the written word, and of coming to terms with a physical disability I've told no-one about outside family. Mother died too soon and by her own hand. Thwarted from being with her to a peaceful end, instead I was abruptly abandoned. The rest of our family, never as close as me, were relieved she died. Except what nobody realised was our mother had a Jekyll and Hyde personality. All we saw was the 'Jekyll' side of her, not the Hyde which became apparent when my aunt and I inherited her country home. And there we discovered mother's true identity.
Gone is my bereavement once helped so much by a dear counsellor woman of such grace and gentleness. Gone into fog was the remembrance of happy days reposing on a thick carpet of moss surrounded by vetch on the island of Torchello. Gone was the joyful finding of wild flowers in a meadow while mummy looked on so lovingly. Gone, melting into a fog of tears are the memories I held so dear. No counsellor to help me now since she has the coughing virus. All that is left is a meaningless inheritance of cold emptiness standing on a lonely beach with a shrill cold wind stinging my tears.
Belle
I loved my mother so deeply. She and I were as close as two peas in a pod. During my home schooling she would help me with my learning difficulties making it effortless to express myself in the written word, and of coming to terms with a physical disability I've told no-one about outside family. Mother died too soon and by her own hand. Thwarted from being with her to a peaceful end, instead I was abruptly abandoned. The rest of our family, never as close as me, were relieved she died. Except what nobody realised was our mother had a Jekyll and Hyde personality. All we saw was the 'Jekyll' side of her, not the Hyde which became apparent when my aunt and I inherited her country home. And there we discovered mother's true identity.
Gone is my bereavement once helped so much by a dear counsellor woman of such grace and gentleness. Gone into fog was the remembrance of happy days reposing on a thick carpet of moss surrounded by vetch on the island of Torchello. Gone was the joyful finding of wild flowers in a meadow while mummy looked on so lovingly. Gone, melting into a fog of tears are the memories I held so dear. No counsellor to help me now since she has the coughing virus. All that is left is a meaningless inheritance of cold emptiness standing on a lonely beach with a shrill cold wind stinging my tears.
Belle
0
Comments
Before anything else, this strikes a person as such a weight on your shoulders, so your immense courage in writing this and going into detail really speaks to your ability to learn about this, and about yourself, and work towards overcoming it.
Bereavement can be difficult for some, and finding help with it is a very important part of overcoming such feelings, so it is great to see that you understand this and were having help with it though a councilor. However, it isn't very clear whether you still have one; are you still seeking help to speak about this to someone who can give expert advice? As you know, we aren't experts over here, but we are very happy that you feel comfortable enough to open up about this and are always here to listen
One Bereavement charity is called Hope Again (http://hopeagain.org.uk/hope-again-contact-us), it may be useful to talk to volunteers who are trained specially for this. However, it seems as though you have a lot of understanding about who to talk to, so again, great job for being so self aware! This isn't always easy.
Stay strong Mirabelle! The wonderful people on the boards are always here to talk
At the time of writing, I was feeling at my lowest which was why it took three hours to get right and remain within forum guidelines. Even then, I hesitated from sharing because one never knows what forum reaction is going to be, and after posting I cried alone all night.
The bereavement counsellor who was so lovely is now ill with flu and the recent one who acted so unprofessionally in showing disinterest got a tirade from me, so that website, Hope Again, may be helpful as an addition after my dear aunt has helped me through the worst. Thank you for it.
The physical disability I have was being born with a crooked leg, so I have to wear a leg brace. At my last school in France I was called Hobbledehoy and teased without mercy. Aunty took me away and I've been schooled at home ever since. It was a blessing because the education standard is exceptionally high. Nonetheless I still have to live with the kerplunk, but no longer have my tormentors. One lives with what one is born with, and with that comes an acceptance. Instead of feeling ashamed, now I walk with greater confidence and again - this has been due to my aunt and loving girl Jules being so encouraging.
I still get anxiety at night and during January's dark mornings, but I have a beautiful house to move to soon, and a very loving supportive family. The problem is when all have to go away and I am left alone where overthinking returns with haunting memories questioning why on earth my mother ever loved me. Though we have so many helpful websites at hand and within a mere phonecall away, with bereavement - or the lack of it - there are no quick fixes. And I refute that time is a great healer. It is not; for I live with another bereavement from a long time ago.
I will stay strong; as much as one feels able.
Belle
It really sounds like you're going through a lot right now. Like Seven mentioned, you've shown incredible strength posting about everything here. It's not always easy to talk about what's going on, but really well done for reaching out onto the boards.
It's never easy when someone we care about so much passes away. I can't imagine how it must feel to find out about everything you were unaware of before. I wonder if you've heard of Childline? They are an excellent support service for young people that offers support online 1-2-1 with counsellors, a helpline and also email support. They might be able to help talks things through with you 1-2-1 about everything that's happened. You can find out more about them here.
I hope that you find Seven's signpost to Hope Again helpful, do let us know how you get on there if you do decide to reach out there for support. There's also an organisation called Cruse which offers help to those affected by bereavement.
I'm so sorry to hear about you're experience at school. It's lovely to hear that you're building in confidence because of your aunt and Jules.
You mentioned that you feel anxious at night and in the mornings, is there anything that's helping you at the moment with this anxiety?
Stay strong Belle, we're all here to support you
All the best,
- Aife
The counsellor I found so helpful, so full of grace and understanding. Since she is ill, I'd rather wait for her to recover though the Cruse helpline is in Brighton which is within driving distance.
All I have is Jules' blue light therapy box, but even when used properly, ie. in one's periferal vision it gave me a migraine. Aunty give me the occasional low dose diazipam, and I list the time it's taken because the prescribed med is highly addictive. So no, other than hugging into my doggy, nothing else.
I could be anemic since a recent blood test returned showing I was borderline which coukd account for my low mood. To fix anemia I can eat a good steak and a bunch of baby spinach leaves (I like 'em raw) and watercress as that's full of iron. So I have a doctor's appointment for another blood check this week. I hate being jabbed, but no pain no gain.
I hate these dark evenings. There again, our owl loves them. Which reminds me I'd better take him out as he's getting restless and hooty.
Thank you so much for writing, Aife. I'll post back after phoning Childline. And I won't forget that steak.
Belle
Really sorry for your loss and feelings during this time. As already mentioned, you are incredibly brave for posting this and you should be proud of yourself! You always have us to talk to, and all the other links the other moderators have signposted you to! Let us know how you're getting on. Hope to hear from you soon.
Hope you have a better day today!
Drea
I phoned Childline and they were helpful. The lady suggested I write up a journal describing the happiest times I spent with my mother, and this is what I'm going to start tomorrow. There were lots of happy memories I can write about, and the lady said that those stories would help my grieving process to return. She had a point, and I could not disagree with that. Since I love writing, that in itself can make things easier.
The previous links the other moderators shared are all good, though I didn't feel that the 1-2-1 was helpful because the person on the other end sounded rather detached. What I hope for is having my first counsellor back, when she's got over her flu. She was totally interested in what I shared. It was like talking to a long-known friend and I felt comfortable in her presence, finding it easy talking face-to-face which is so much easier than being on the other end of an online talk.
Tomorrow is going to rain all day, but that is much better than the freezing rain and subzero temperatures of -12C blizzarding Canada where my friend is. Here at home I can work by the fire and enjoy tea on tap, and not have some fusty old teacher on the nag.
That's reassuring to hear that Childline were helpful and offered you some advice. I hope you find writing a journal helpful
That's a shame to hear about the other support services you reached out to. Sometimes reaching out a second time is always worth a try as you mind find a new person to speak to that could be more helpful
I'm sorry to hear that your counsellor is still unwell, hopefully she will get better soon. What sorts of advice did she give you before?
Working by the fire sounds lovely! It is getting so cold here!
Hope you have a lovely day
- Aife
Today has become a revelation. To me, in the forgiving of my mother, releasing her in death as my decision has in turn, released me. Also Mandy which I will talk about shortly. Today though, has been awesome!
My first and loveliest bereavement counsellor asked me to focus on the loving relationship I had with my mother, rather than rankle about her dark side since I inherited the lovely house I'll be moving to soon. After my counsellor became ill, so I did this and found comfort and felt able to move on and not dwell on what my mother had secretly become. In my heart I simply forgave her, and in forgiveness, found that release I'd been searching for these last few agonising weeks."Weeks" should really be counted as days, since Christmas wasn't so far away. This morning over breakfast, I told Mandy what I learnt and she, soon to be 17, I believe will find forgiveness in her heart, too.
For the first time since Christmas, my sister spoke today! @Mike will like to know this, by the way. This to me is a major breakthrough, a wonderful answer to one of my deepest needs. How this happened was when I handed our owl to her to comfort. This video of our friend Tokara bonding with his Great Horned Owl juvenile in autumn of 2016 shows exactly the same way our beautiful birdy bonds or "imprints" with us. Listen to the bird's clicks, squeaks and chirples it makes as it talks to him, just like Dumpty does to us.
The local wildlife lady visited earlier, said Dumpty is not a long eared owl after all, but a Great Horned Owl because of its size and bulk, so since last weekend, our owly imprinted with Mandy in the same intimate way it did with me. Bringing Mandy and I even closer together. I'd previously forgiven her for the spitefulness, and in turn she opened her stony heart to me.
Our owl, so often recognised to be a secretive creature by its nocturnal and twilight habits, bonded with us so like Tokara we have a rare, but deeply moving kinship with this awesome bird of prey. On hatching, owls don't instinctively know what they are or recognise their parent. Alone without its mother, Dumpty latched onto me so I became her parent and she will never, ever leave, or Mandy for the rest of its very possible 30 years.
Our awesome bird of prey has brought my sister and I together, and with the help of my counsellor, I believe that healing will come soon also to Mandy. Forgiveness is a powerful tool, often underestimated by so many. Today, then, marks the beginning of Mandy's healing and of mine.
Belle
It's been incredibly powerful reading your posts here. You've shown tremendous courage and strength which appear to have lead you to a much more peaceful place. You should be proud of the steps you've taken and the responsibility you've taken all whilst grieving. I hope that the diary of happy memories with your mother will provide you with comfort and thank you for taking the time to seek help and respond to everyone here.
Mochan
Thank you, Mochan
Much of my courage has been thanks to my aunt, now my mum and my girl Jules. Both have been tremendously supportive, and I am very happy to say that Mandy has started talking again. She's going to be 17 soon and has returned from France to live with us permanently. Night times have been worrysome though, for she's been crying in her sleep and I've woken her, and brought her to sleep in with me. Once she falls asleep again, the rest of the night remains peaceful to her. Tomorrow I am taking Mandy to see a heathcare worker who specializes in troubled teenagers. This, Mandy has agreed to so may need a few sessions will be helpful to her. My sister is a gentle person and very pretty, and has been courageous in telling me some of what our late mother did. Our closeness stemmed from that, but I think it's going to be a long process to see her made well again.
Today Mandy has been dandling our owl on her lap. It's funny, yet touching as she's gentle with our affectionate big birdy who in turn, pushes into her while squeaking and click-clacking her beak. I love how our creature nuzzles into her hair. Later, I heard Mandy laughing so merrily out in the hall and went out to see. I saw Dumpty sliding down the bannister with her wings sread wide apart for balance, and at the bottom, turned to fly back up and do it again! Wished I had a camera.
I told Mandy of my happy memories with our mother, and she found courage to tell me some of her's. That was brave. Instead, she could have broken down and related the horrible side, but didn't and I feel this could be an opener for our surgery's healthcare counsellor.
This afternoon I took Mandy fishing and taught her how to use my beach rod. Enclosed warmy in my bivvy tent with our dog behind us, it felt nice sitting in comfortable silence just watching the sea. We didn't catch anything, but what mattered was her wanting to be my companion and I loved that because sometimes, my days are quite lonely when Jules is away working. Mandy and I start our home schooling quite early in the mornings so to have our afternoons free. Then we can do things together while our aunt is in London. I find sharing my belongings with my sister a joy, and she's very musical, too.
It's been a rough few weeks, but good things have been happening not just to me, but my immediate family. What has helped though, is my inheriting a large 18th century Grade II listed property not far from here. This place with its mischievous unseen presence is going to become the anchor and foundation that will bring my family closer together and become stronger. The contact links and useful resources I have been given have been very good, though as individuals we will need to work on them and get well again as time moves on.
Again, thank you...and to all of you.
~Belle
It's so great to hear that things are starting to look up for you and your family, here's hoping it continues to improve for you all. :yes: It's also great to hear you found the contact details you were given so useful, if you ever need some more resources or information just ask as we're always happy to help!
- Riley
P.S Your pet owl sounds like a real handful, but must be sooooo cute! :d
I may do that sometime soon as Mandy's counseller went sick, but tomorrow is my sister's birthday and she's forgotten her troubles in her excitement of what is in store for her, and lots of pressies besides.
Dumpty has finished growing now, and she stands at 45cm. Her hunting stealth is silent and deadly, astonishing that she could kill anything twice her size and yet, happily munch on bats from our attic. That's the least expensive method of ridding us of them!
My family have a St Valentine's concert in London. It's awesome that we are a band of sisters, and so very together.
Have a super weekend and wishing you all the best,
~Belle
I hope your sister has a great birthday and that she has a good day, enjoying her presents. I hope you have also had a nice day and amazing that you have seen how far you have come. Its great that you admire her bravery about opening up and talking after not talking. Sounds like you had a nice tour of Hampton Court Palace exploring all the hidden rooms as well.
Glad you have a close connection with you sister and are strong together hope the concert goes well.
Rayofhope:rainbow2:
Thank you for what you wrote.
The St Valentine's concert is going ahead and I've just finished another recording session for my first solo album. Furthermore, we have two more concerts in Spain and one in France which will be a biggy. Not sure if I will be able to do these concerts for having recently been diagnosed with arthritis, I'm not sure if I will be well enough. Performing is exhausting and not helping is air travel. Presently I'm on a course of nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs (NSAIDs). This morning my body was in such pain that it took me almost an hour to get out of bed. Today though, aunty is registering me disabled. Not sure how, but I was told that being registered could be beneficial to me in the future. The problem right now is shrieking pain when I move. Taking fish oil (Omega 3) with meals helps, but despite the pain I'll be bloody well damned if I'm going to give up my angling.
Mandy was thrilled with her birthday presents. She was given a Fiat 500C from our parents, a fine stereo system from Jules and an Edwardian 15ct gold necklace with peridots from me. Today she started a course of driving lessons so I'm waiting to see how she got on. I am proud of my sister's progress, in particular that she hasn't s/h'd since last Christmas. Mandy is an inspiration to me, a real blessing. And, that is everything. :rainbow2:
It sounds excellent that you have your own first solo album in the making that will be really cool. I hope the concerts go really well for you. I am sorry to here that you have been diagnosed with arthritis i hope you are able to find a way which you will be able to perform and be able to reduce the pain.
Glad that Mandy liked her present sounds like she got some great presents from the family, its great your proud of her progress and that your supporting her.
How are you doing at the moment?
Rayofhope:rainbow2:
Music is fantastic therapy. I volunteer on radio stations and promote music on the shows so you never know could be promoting your music soon - Which I hope won't be too long away.
Have a great weekend.
Hi Rayofhope
It's actually my second solo album, the first nosedived but strangely enough, began selling a few months later last summer. This was the European market. I don't sell in the UK. Well, not yet anyway. As for my arthritis, I was reticent to mention it on the forum, but it had to be mentioned when someone asked about my leg brace and then I began writing more from the heart. Usually, I don't like talking about my ailments, but since joining the forum I realised that support here is tremendous as is also in the chats. It's make a big difference to my confidence, too.
Mandy is clipety-clopping along quite well. Like me, she feels it's important to walk the walk instead of languishing and complaining. She's good to me, and Jules my girl has been wonderfully supportive to the both of us. And my aunty, too.
I had a dreadful night and only managed the 2 exams today, but thought I did well. My doctor switched pain meds yet again - and now I shall have to wait. On my way home from the exams I fell asleep in the car, and then again once home. Rest is all I can do, and it's for the best. As for the concert, I hope to be going to Spain after gigging London. I only hope I'll be fit enough by then and, pain free.
Hello Chris
Thank you for offering to promote my music. I will ask my manager and go from there. You see, my family's band's albums and mine are sold in Europe and advertized on French, Spanish and Monaco television networks and that is how my family's band has become so popular abroad. Just before Christmas we started performing in London, but hope to more often this year. We produce our own albums and record them. These we sell at concerts togther with merchandize because it brings in good revenue. The quipment costs a fortune as does our recording studio which is used for other bands. Our recording studio has been established some time now, but the cost of its gear goes easily into seven figures. Therefore revenue has to be made. For me, though, the real pleasure are live concerts, but I earn good money from street performing with Mandy - if the weather is good.
I agree with you that 'music is fantastic therapy'. When feeling down, I'll bring out my beautiful Martin from its case and play it. The guitar's mellow sound reverberates against my chest and soothes me. Having finished a round of songs, I'll kiss my guitar and put it away for another time.
As I was saying to Rayofhope, we have to walk the walk and not just talk the talk; the latter taking us nowhere. It means we must live out our lives through hard times and good; through pain and often, sorrow. Just to talk about feeling better cannot work out unless we move ourselves to begin living out our hopes. It is never going to be easy, no matter what age we are.
Quoting Chris de Burgh: "I've got dreams to live and I've got love to give". I also have a life to live, and am determined to have it all.
Thank you, and @Rayofhope for your caring support.
~ Belle