Scared we won’t end well. Should we still date?

Former Member

I’ve heard people say that when you love someone, you have to be prepared to let them go someday. This thought has been stuck in my head in all of my relationships. In hindsight, I think this is why it never worked out with my previous girlfriends. I tried going on a romance tour thinking I wasn’t compatible with any local girl in my hometown. Then, I met this girl from the tour and so far, we are doing okay.
The problem though is that I’m worried that our relationship wouldn’t end well and I would end up heartbroken. It’s not that I’m being pessimistic about this it’s just that I always had this fear in my head since then. Should I continue dating my girlfriend even though I know I would have to let them go someday? A relationship is already hard as it is. I know long distance relationships would be even harder.
I need legit advice on how to overcome my fear. What assurance do I have that things would be okay? Please help me.

One-in-a-million

Hey how are you tonight

I like to think our future is what we make it and it’s our actions that shape us into who we are. Despite that no one can really tell what the future holds but we can put things in place to help guide us to where we want to go.

Just try to relax about how you feel the future will be because it’s the “now” we need to focus on. Enjoy being with her now and let both your actions together form the paths you will take.

That being said have you spoken to her about your concerns, thoughts and feelings? I find being open and honest does help quite a lot.

Hope this has helped some

Emma

Former Member

Hey deepcarter78

From what you've said about your past relationships, it may be that your worries about how your relationship might end have stopped you from really settling down and allowing yourself to to take things further. It might be easier to overcome this worry by approaching things in small steps, so maybe by talking to her about the future, planning things like road trips or holidays or days out together, acting on impulse now and then etc.

Maybe also considering why your past relationships didn't work out can help you feel more confident about this relationship... Was it not being able to see them often enough, a lack of communication etc. This might help you rationalise why it didn't work out instead of falling back on your belief that the relationship would've ended one way or another.

I hope this helps reduces some of worries about the future and that your relationship stays strong

Tash

Former Member

Greetings,
The greatest thing about life is that nothing lasts forever but you have to appreciate the time that is given to u with a loved one.
Don't let fear control your actions, its natural to be nervous when in a relationship but she may feel the same way.
Breaking up with someone out of fear is not a good enough reason to break up in fact it's not a nice thing to do.

BE BRAVE


I have an article below about embracing fear hopefully it helps.

https://wp.me/p6V67l-21T

Former Member

Hey @deepcarter78

Completely agree with everything that everyone else has said so far on this thread; I especially love how @One-in-a-million has said: "I like to think our future is what we make it and it’s our actions that shape us into who we are.", because it's true, to a great extent! Of course, there will be things that happen and are beyond our control, but it's in those circumstances that we ought to try and become accepting of what we can and can't fix or change, and try move on from there (perhaps looking up on mindfulness could be helpful with this!).

​Like @tashtastic has said, it could be really worthwhile reflecting over your past relationships and what didn't work out, so that you can learn from these. Although no one is the same, and maybe somethings that agitate one relationship might not another, and what works out well may not lead to the same reaction in another relationship, I think, just like with learning from your mistakes in a test, for example, it's as important to do this with your relationships too.

The future is always going to be scary to an extent - it's a fear of the unknown! But, at the same time, can't it also be quite exciting to anticipate what the future holds for you, and what you can do to help mould this into something you enjoy? @Wonita Christine has phrased this amazingly: "...nothing lasts forever but you have to appreciate the time that is given to u with a loved one. Don't let fear control your actions, its natural to be nervous when in a relationship but she may feel the same way. ". To add to this, I think it would be a good idea to try take control of your fears, by using them to help to grow as a person, and try your utmost to make the relationship go as well as it could - within your control, that is; sometimes things don't work out, but that is okay. I like to think that things happen for a reason, and if it's meant to be, it's meant to be; no use trying to fix something that cannot (to be quite bleak about it). In these circumstances (which are always possible, but just as possible as any other possibility!), I truly believe it would be best to practice rewiring how you react and think about your situation.

Your fear is essentially not having the security that things will work out, and, unfortunately, no one will ever have that assured. It's just how life is. My advice is to try and view your fear in a different light, and, in short, become accepting of what happens, because, sometimes, you just can't do anything about it, so why batter yourself up over it? What would be really important right now is for you to open up about how you are feeling, and about your fears, to this person. Being open and honest will always be beneficial in the long-term, and will strengthen your trust and, hopefully, give you all the assurance you need. :angel:

-peachysoo

Former Member

Hi @deepcarter78,

Totally get where you're coming from, having had similar fears myself in the past. The simplest way I can describe how I got over this is by comparing it to other aspects of life (these are purposefully stupid, but they help me)... I know I'm taking a risk leaving the house as I could get hit by a car/bike/plane/etc, but do I want to let that stop me from experiencing life? I know I'm taking a risk going on holiday on a plane, but do I want to let that stop me experiencing new places? There's no assurances, everything does come to an end eventually, but we can enjoy all life's experiences as they come please don't be scared!

- Lucy :rainbow:

Former Member

Hey @deepcarter78,

I really understand how you are feeling. I used to feel the same! Future can really be scary and all we would like to have is some kind of certainty that everything is going to be okay. I used to hate the fact that it was impossible to have these certainties, but what makes the difference is how you look at your life, your present and your future. Uncertainty can both be scary and rich. We know why it is scary, but we tend to forget that uncertainty is rich because it makes it possible to fully live, considering options and choosing among alternatives. I think that not knowing what is going to happen also helps us focus on the present and enjoy every single moment of it. So you don't know whether your relationship is going to work or not, but as Lucy said, you have to face a great amount of risks in life, so why not trying?
just be positive that in the end everything is going to be okay and all the items of the puzzle to match and enjoy what you are living and your relationship. I wish you two well!!

Fran