Not coming out

Jellyelephant

This is difficult for me to talk about, but I am bisexual. While I was away at uni I had relationships with both men and women, and I realised I am attracted to both. I felt more able to be myself in a city where nobody knew me. Now I am back living with my mum and around my family I am finding it stressful hiding who I am from everyone. I pretend to be straight everywehre I go, I feel ashamed. My old best friend from where I used to live asked me to be together with her, but I said no because it wouldn't be fair to her, I am still in the closet and it would have to be a secret. I am tired of hiding who i am, but I am too ashamed to come out to my family.

Should I come out? Should I stay in the closet forever and just try and find a man I like? I dont know. What would you guys do? Is anyone else in the same position?

Former Member

Hiya Jelly!

It was mighty brave of you to share your sexual orientation with us, for it must be so hard for you because of the dilemma you're in - whether or not to come out. Sooner or later though I'll tell you, your parents will find out, but living a secret life is only going to become a strain, and it could snowball. So I say return to your 'old best friend' and ask her to give you time, but also to help you through these difficult decisions. Since she is your best friend, then she will help you because that's the greatest thing about best friends. She could be what you want in your life, but that means committment and trust from both sides. I say this because I am in a rock steady relationship, though it has not been an easy life for her and for me.

The Mix has an excellent article about coming out, here: http://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-relationships/gender-and-sexuality/how-to-come-out-3741.html

When I came out as a lesbian last year, most of my family were good. Most people I know now are cool and accepting, and I think this is because there is a general acceptance for gays and bisexuals in my area of the UK, unless people are raving fundamentalist Christians. My friends Sofia and Valentina who came to stay recently from Palma were appalled and their remarks hurt and stung. I no longer see them as friends and anyway, they went home. Fair enough, they have their lives and I have mine. But I have never been happier for coming out.

You only have one life to live. So live it the way you want, but never be bullied into silence. Make this new year something to be awesome. Because I live by my signature.

Wishing you all the best,

Belle xx

Former Member

Hi Jellyelephant

I fully second Belle's advice and agree that it's really brave of you to open up about this here - well done!

I'm in somewhat of a similar position as you - while I tend not to think about my sexuality much, or identify with any strict sexuality (I tend to like who I like, irrespective of gender), I've definitely like both boys and girls before, and would define myself as bisexual if I had to. I've told my close friends about it quite casually, because I'm really lucky in that they're really open-minded and accepting, both in general and about sexuality specifically! In fact, one of my closest friends is also bisexual, and has been very open and proud about this since coming out. I can say on her behalf, as she has told us, that, while it was really daunting for her to actually come out, everyone has been really supportive of her, including her family!

That said, since I tend not to think of my sexuality much, I don't really go out of my way to proclaim it, since I don't personally feel the need. This, of course, differs from person to person, and that is completely okay! There's no need for you to rush coming out if you don't feel ready; please don't pressure yourself! But, as will naturally be the case, it's likely to always be at least a tiny bit scary to actually come out regardless of how long you wait. Maybe talking to the people you are going to come out to about sexuality, to get an idea of their views in general (no need to explicitly come out here), could help, but at the same time, this could also be not so helpful if they're quite ignorant or closed-minded about the topic.

I know, with my family (i.e. parents, uncles, and aunties but not including many of my cousins), I don't think I'd ever want to come out, since they're homophobic and, quite frankly, disgusting with how they deal with the topic, though I also keep in mind that this also largely ties in with their upbringing and very traditional Chinese values and views. So, personally, I don't know what I could say; maybe I'll feel more comfortable confronting them about this in the future if I felt the need, but, as of right now, I don't feel like I need to, or that I ever will. I think your sexuality is your own business ultimately, so whether or not people like it or not, it shouldn't make you feel ashamed of yourself, though I acknowledge how much easier said than done this is!

You can't help how you feel. It makes me feel sad how you would consider just 'trying to find a man' because of how difficult your situation is, and I personally empathise with you. I'd say personally to allow yourself to feel what you feel, and become accepting of these feelings, love who you love ... but I get that it's not so easy. It's really tough. But, at the same time, it's such a shame! Ultimately, it's up to you who you date, but it leaves a bitter taste, at least with me, that you are restraining your feelings because of how other people might perceive it.

I'm sorry I can't personally really help, but I hope my words have maybe encouraged you or helped you feel at least a bit more at ease, knowing you're not alone with your situation, and there are so many support groups and places that are willing to help, and people whose jobs are to help people with situations like these!
I'll share a link for a little guide for where to find support: https://www.healthyplace.com/gender/glbt-mental-health/gay-support-where-to-find-lgbt-help-and-support-groups/

Best wishes
-peachysoo

independent_

Hiya,

I have absolutely no advice for you but am in a similar position so you're definitely not alone here.
Such a difficult thing eh.