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Need some advice about a possible new relationship??
Former Member
Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi everyone, I could do with a bit of help.
I met a guy at work. He asked me out for a drink on my last shift before Christmas and we went out again the following evening. That night he ended up staying over at mine for the night. I thought things were going well, and he said that he wanted to see me again before I went home for Christmas from university. We said provisionally we would make plans on the Tuesday just gone. I then texted him the following day to see if he was still interested. He told me he was busy... and I kind of freaked out. You see the problem I had was that the last guy I had gone out with had done something similar; he'd seemed really keen but after we had sex he kept making loads of excuses to not see me and then stopped texting me. So I brought this baggage into this new relationship - this poor guy that I'd only been on two dates with - and sent him a slightly confrontational text. His response seemed genuine, and it probably was the case that he was really busy and that was why he cancelled.
But then things got messier.
I was feeling guilty and wanted to speak to him, but all of my friends gave me the advice to just play it cool and send something non-committal. So I said 'maybe we could meet when I come back after Christmas'. I got no response. I waited for three days, dying inside that he wasn't texting me back. I then went against most of my friends' advice and sent him a text this evening, just something casual asking how things were. So we were chatting a bit, although it wasn't as quick as I would have liked it to be. It generally took him about 25 minutes to reply to something, but I was honestly just pleased he was replying. Then I started to notice that he wasn't really asking me anything about me and that it was me sort of pushing the conversation on. So the last text I sent him didn't have a question attached to it, to see whether he was going to ask me anything. So far I've not had a response, although at the time of writing it has only been 30 minutes.
So I guess I'm just concerned in general. I told him that I didn't mean to freak out on him in the first place, to which he said it was fine. But over text it is impossible to tell whether that's genuine. But I could also be overthinking things, as I do have a tendency to do that.
I'm not particularly good at relationships in general, and I really wanted this to work, but there's a further layer of complication with this. The timing seems to be all off. I've gone home for the Christmas holidays for 2 weeks, and then when I come back I have exams. Then a week after my exams he goes to India for 3 months. So I really don't understand. Why did he bother asking me out if he knew that this was going to happen? Was it just because he knew I liked him and that he might be able to get laid before he went away? Or did he genuinely want to see what was going to happen? And to add to this have I come on too strong, have I scared him off, is he realising that I'm not as chilled and relaxed as he thought I was? This is the first guy I have truly liked in a while and I don't want to give this up so quickly, but its hard when we're on opposite sides of the country and he doesn't appear to either be good at or interested in texting or calling.
I was going to suggest meeting next week because I'm going to be back in our city for a couple of days, but if he's not really making any effort I don't know whether I should, as that might seem too keen.
So I guess I need a little bit of impartial advice. Am I flogging a dead horse or should I persevere? Half of my friends seem to think that I should not be messaging him at all and that if he's still interested he'll come to me. One went as far as to say that it was dead and I should assume the worst. The other half think that what's happened isn't too bad and that I am probably overthinking things and reading too much into his behaviour. I can see what both are saying, but don't know which is true. So... help?
I met a guy at work. He asked me out for a drink on my last shift before Christmas and we went out again the following evening. That night he ended up staying over at mine for the night. I thought things were going well, and he said that he wanted to see me again before I went home for Christmas from university. We said provisionally we would make plans on the Tuesday just gone. I then texted him the following day to see if he was still interested. He told me he was busy... and I kind of freaked out. You see the problem I had was that the last guy I had gone out with had done something similar; he'd seemed really keen but after we had sex he kept making loads of excuses to not see me and then stopped texting me. So I brought this baggage into this new relationship - this poor guy that I'd only been on two dates with - and sent him a slightly confrontational text. His response seemed genuine, and it probably was the case that he was really busy and that was why he cancelled.
But then things got messier.
I was feeling guilty and wanted to speak to him, but all of my friends gave me the advice to just play it cool and send something non-committal. So I said 'maybe we could meet when I come back after Christmas'. I got no response. I waited for three days, dying inside that he wasn't texting me back. I then went against most of my friends' advice and sent him a text this evening, just something casual asking how things were. So we were chatting a bit, although it wasn't as quick as I would have liked it to be. It generally took him about 25 minutes to reply to something, but I was honestly just pleased he was replying. Then I started to notice that he wasn't really asking me anything about me and that it was me sort of pushing the conversation on. So the last text I sent him didn't have a question attached to it, to see whether he was going to ask me anything. So far I've not had a response, although at the time of writing it has only been 30 minutes.
So I guess I'm just concerned in general. I told him that I didn't mean to freak out on him in the first place, to which he said it was fine. But over text it is impossible to tell whether that's genuine. But I could also be overthinking things, as I do have a tendency to do that.
I'm not particularly good at relationships in general, and I really wanted this to work, but there's a further layer of complication with this. The timing seems to be all off. I've gone home for the Christmas holidays for 2 weeks, and then when I come back I have exams. Then a week after my exams he goes to India for 3 months. So I really don't understand. Why did he bother asking me out if he knew that this was going to happen? Was it just because he knew I liked him and that he might be able to get laid before he went away? Or did he genuinely want to see what was going to happen? And to add to this have I come on too strong, have I scared him off, is he realising that I'm not as chilled and relaxed as he thought I was? This is the first guy I have truly liked in a while and I don't want to give this up so quickly, but its hard when we're on opposite sides of the country and he doesn't appear to either be good at or interested in texting or calling.
I was going to suggest meeting next week because I'm going to be back in our city for a couple of days, but if he's not really making any effort I don't know whether I should, as that might seem too keen.
So I guess I need a little bit of impartial advice. Am I flogging a dead horse or should I persevere? Half of my friends seem to think that I should not be messaging him at all and that if he's still interested he'll come to me. One went as far as to say that it was dead and I should assume the worst. The other half think that what's happened isn't too bad and that I am probably overthinking things and reading too much into his behaviour. I can see what both are saying, but don't know which is true. So... help?
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Comments
I totally get how you are maybe finding this a little confusing, I’ve been there before and I don’t really regard myself as the best at relationships either, but perhaps I can offer a different perspective?
I sadly can not tell you whether or not he likes you or just wanted to get laid, but both are just as plausible as one another. Ultimately you are the one who met the guy too, so I would trust your gut feeling.
However, I think that if you really like the guy then you shouldn’t completely rule him out just because you are unsure. I too overthink things but I usually find that I was wrong. That everything was okay. So this could well be the case with you.
I think that you should set a time, perhaps in a week, that you will wait until. Wait a week, enjoy Christmas, maybe even stretch it to New Year, and just forget this guy for the time being. Easier said than done of course, but if after that period of time you still haven’t heard from him then reconsider things as it might make his stance clearer. Or perhaps you will have heard from him.
Don’t worry about “playing things cool” either, if you like the guy then you go about it your way, he should like you for you. Chances are he’s just trying to impress you by “playing it cool” too but hopefully he’ll give in soon if that is the case!
Hope that you are well and sorry for the lengthy response!
Rachel x
I can imagine you're going to get a lot of 'me toos' on this post - this is so familiar, I think we've all been there!! Firstly, none of us are 'good' at relationships so please don't be worrying about that, we're all learning as we go along!
Just as @Past User said above, none of us can tell you exactly what's going through his mind but we can tell you this is really normal and, unfortunately, common. Do you think you can try and distract yourself over the Xmas break? I do agree with your friends that if he's interested he will come to you, but that doesn't mean he's a write off. It might not be until you get back to uni, as there are so many distractions over Xmas, and remember that some guys do seem to have different brains to ours and don't think into stuff!
I'm not a fan of playing games and always opt for honesty... To be frank if he thinks you have come on too strong/aren't as relaxed as you appear, and doesn't like that, then he may not be right for you. I know how frustrating these situations are. You're not alone! Keep us updated
- Lucy :rainbow2:
The lack of reply is something we all find frustrating! However, like the others said, I wouldnt jump to conclusions, my boyfriend is utterly terrible at replying, at first this used to really upset me (especially when I could see he had read the message), but I quickly learned it is just how he is.
How are things now by the way? Have you guys seen each other again?
It is a nightmare trying to work out how much you should text someone when they give slow/no replies, or when they dont text you first. Unfortunately, it isn't an exact science. However, if this guys is pretty dismissive during texting and doesn't ask you any questions about yourself, youve got to begin to question- is he worth it anyway?
You sound like a great gal who has her head screwed on, there are so many opportunities to meet great people throughout your life, so don't stress, you'll find someone who is worth your time and deserves you. Never waste time on someone who seems to think their time is more important than yours or who can't be bothered to make an effort.
Good luck, and I hope your exams go swimmingly
This can be really tricky because sadly and ultimately too often, we can't quite predict what's exactly going through someone's mind.
It always feels terrible when someone doesn't reply to your texts quick enough or in more depth. Generally most of the time if someone is particularly slow they could be busy, but when the replies are short lived and it seems that they are trying to get the convo over it can feel rather frustrating.
As Dusky94 said if he is dismissive and doesn't show any interest in getting to know you or how you are, then you should maybe wonder if he is worth it.
I wouldn't worry too much about how you come across as its very important any potential partner likes you for you, so just be you :yes:
How are things now as its been a while? have you heard from him since? I do agree with Rachel, maybe leave it or a wait a while and see if you hear from him.
We all get busy but there will always be a time of day where we're free to send even a quick text and if you wait and find he hasn't then it might be he hasn't made you a priority or is easily distracted.
You deserve to actually be paid attention to and if he won't give it to you then it might be worthwhile going onwards.
Hope all is well and do note we're all here to help if you need anymore support
Happy Galloping! :rainbow2: