Do I stay or go?

Former Member

Hi everyone,
So im in need of some advice.
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 11 months now if you dont include a small break of a week we had a few months ago. Anyways, he is going to university next year and I dont know if i should go with him, not to go to uni too but to live with him and get a job, My home situation isnt the best, where at night I have to be silent and am not even allowed out of my room past 11 at night even to use the bathroom and even if i do i have to use the bathroom in the dark because the light switch makes a loud noise. However, his university is just under an hour away. If I move with him I will be leaving everything I have now behind like my job,friends and family and once I move out I cant move back in as my mum will take my room.

Im just really scared because this will be a huge jump in my life, granted when the move happens we will have been together for over a year but I still have all the 'what ifs'. like...

• What if we dont see eachother because we are always busy and we drift apart?
• What if we see eachother too much and get sick of eachother?
• What if we cant afford our own place and become stressed and take it out on eachother?
• What if we break up? Will I have to move back home and sleep on the sofa and beg for my old job back? Or do I stay at our place and he stays in the university dorms? But then will i be able to afford the bills on my own?
• What if my family stop me?

My boyfriend is my rock through my family and my escape so I tend to see him alot but this is such a huge step for me but I also cant be without him and this is my chance to live a life where Im not always scared and and paranoid of my family. (just to clarify I am not being abused but my parents are not the nicest of people and have kicked me out twice in the past year and more emotionally abuse I guess).

So I guess the question is do I move away or do I stay?
Thanks
Hollie xx

Former Member

Hello @Hollie Welcome to our forum! I hope you will stay and enjoy being part of our community.

Eleven months is a long enough time to thoroughly get to know your boyfriend. While it seems you and him definitely could have a life together, his first year at uni is going to be specially hard because of the mountains of coursework, and it's possible that the accomodation may be much more limited and smaller than at home.

You raised a great many questions. Has he already got accomodation set up? The cost of rents could be as high as £10,000 a year depending on the area and might be higher if it's London. Also, is your boyfriend and his parents aware he could qualify for free education, or on the other hand because of his parents' earnings, his education would have to be paid for.

Since I've looked at your profile (sorry for being nosy), see you should be able to get a similar job, except after Christmas and New Year's celebrations, work drops off. January is known as a 'black month' for business throughout the country, so this is another point of consideration.

Sleeping on your parent's sofa could give you a bad back even if you were allowed home. Sore backs lead to misery throughout the day.

Except there is hope and it's brighter! You mentioned the university is "is just under an hour away". That means you could remain in your job, stayliving at home, but commute reasonably easily to see your boyfriend each weekend. You'd get to keep your present job, might even be able to save some earnings for you and him, still have a roof over your head though living at home means you must abide by your parents' house rules (they probably work hard to pay the mortgage and utility bills) which is only fair.

You are 19 and means you can leave home any time. Same applies for when you reached 18. Your parents can't stop you, but there again can stop you from moving back in.

Your boyfriend is "your rock". I love that you said that! Means he's being supportive to you and you know it. Also it's so wonderful you have remained together these last 11 months. But remember that relationships have to be worked on. This means growing together through ups and downs, but you get to fulfil a more meaningful and lasting relationship for the hard work. I believe in you.

Bite the bullet and stay at home. Stay strong! Strong for yourself, and strong for your lovely boyfriend. You showed courage for sharing with us.

The Mix has useful information for a variety of various issues including guidance over emotional abuse.

Look here for http://www.themix.org.uk/search/emotional+abuse .

I'm sorry for being unable to help you more. I'm not a morning person, either. But I hope you stay with our lovely forum and perhaps join our Support Chat of which there are daily updates to be found here: http://www.themix.org.uk/community/forum/chat-debate/live-chat-announcement Support Chat is excellent. As are any of the other chats.

Wishing you all the best.

Julie

Former Member

Welcome to TheMix, @Hollie

As Jules said, I hope you stay because you can get good support here.

I'm sorry you don't have a great relationship with your parents, but while living with them you must be mindful and not unreasonable. If they get poky at you, answer thems softly. It could save a row. How about you buying a little flashlight to see your way to the bathroom? I do. Saves me walking into a wall! XD

Your boyfriend's university being under an hour away still means you can see him at weekends. His (future) accomodation might not be any bigger than a mouse hole, as some students have discovered.

Renting can be very expensive. Landlords demand at least a month's rent upfront as insurance against unforeseen damage. Add the rent you would be expected to pay anyway, and that's a lot of money out of your bank account. The other biggy is giving good references. An option is sharing a house or a bungalow with friends, but dividing rent payments between friends might still be expensive and remember you got to get on with your friends. And share the washing up.

Your having employment is good, but is your job secure? If you have worked at your place one year or longer, then your employment is more secure by law.

Is it possible you could apply for further education? It's worth a try. Next spring a college might be running a City&Guilds course, say, on industrial catering. Getting qualified would increase your chances of better employment and catering isn't a bad career. The hours in catering can be long, but it's all money. Money that you can put towards you and your boyfriend's future. Something to build on is worth it, don't you think? Getting a City & Guilds qualification adds more to your CV, and you have got good reasons to improve when having a difficult family.

Good luck, have hapopy times with your boyfriend and please think on these things.

Belle

Former Member

Hi everyone...

So I am still undecided about the move and he really wants me to go with him.

He will be getting a student loan that will keep us going plus us both having jobs aswell. I was also thinking about keeping my job now but going part time and then getting a job closer to his university.
We want to rent a place near the university so we will not be living in university dorma but our own flat which will make our living space better but I still have all of those what ifs.

Former Member

Maybe you can get a job at the university. These education establishments are vast and have to have good services for their students, and they pay well. Imagine getting a full time position with them, and receive a salary for when after they close, you have time off while being paid.

It's very important you work out your boyfriend's annual costs. Even a student loan will have to be paid back. Add on the interest payments though government student loans have lower interest rates. Add the cost of student accomodation and membership costs of the Student Union. Then your boyfriend will have to facter in cost of his food. If he's lucky to stay in at university lodgings, the accomodation may be cheaper but don't hold me to that. Also he may have to pay a contribution towards utility bills.

Now that someone inn my home is gone for good, I have to work out the cost of living for us. It's just as well I'm good at maths. I'm only 16. XD