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Why am I like this?

MisunderstoodMisunderstood Fast NewbiePosts: 11 Settling in
After a while, I’ve come back here! Okay, I don’t know if this is the right section to post. Please feel free to move if so. But I feel like it sums up the topic anyway.

I’ve had time to reflect on how I feel about myself and new experiences with other people. University has been going well however there have been some very dark moments here and there, and most of the time I wear a facadè to enjoy myself.

I have this burning feeling inside me that keeps recurring whenever I’m around people or see relationships, even when I am online and I see my friends statuses updates. I just want the chance to not feel awkward around people. I don’t let people in too close because I get freaked out and feel weird. If I’m close friends with a guy, I feel like it’s gay or strange (this has nothing to do with sexuality btw) and if I’m with a girl I keep feeling like I’m harassing her or she thinks I’m trying to hit on her. I know this sounds really weird and probably cringey but to be fair it’s what happens and it’s causing me a great deal of depression because of it. The barrier between myself and other people is too high and I don’t know how to bring it down. Besides, it seems like other people don’t want to hang out with me and if I make an effort, why should they when they already have closer friends and probably a few BFFs?

I’m also quite sensitive and I’ve been feeling quite emotional lately, in places where I would have appreciated close friends to be there for me and perhaps remind me that I’m worth more than my problems. Instead I feel completely isolated in my uni halls and keep ruminating destructive thoughts. Having intrusive thoughts of questioning my gender/sexual identity and being unhappy with my body hasn’t helped either.

Any help would be appreciated!

Comments

  • PositiveAuraPositiveAura Posts: 150 Settling in
    Hey @Misunderstood

    ​Welcome back! No matter what, we are always here to listen on The Mix and sometimes it can just help to let out your thoughts and feelings and see some other peoples perspectives or advice.

    ​It's good to hear that Uni is going well for you, I hope you are enjoying your studies.

    ​It sounds like you're having some confusing feelings and I want to just say that this is completely understandable. As hard as it is, try to think of this time in your life as a time to figure out who you are. There's no pressure of knowing who you are right now, we are all creating and exploring ourselves everyday. Uni is all about learning anyway, so try and take that pressure off yourself to act certain ways and be a certain way - just be you. :)

    ​It can be hard in social situations to know what to do/say but overthinking this can make us come up with different thoughts when other person isn't thinking anything at all.This is especially the case when we meet new people and are around those we don't know that well. We worry what to say/how to act etc. but this all comes with time and getting to know others bit by bit.

    We have so many different relationships with people and they are all so different. Some male friends are so affectionate, others aren't. Same for any other friendship pairing. Sometimes, if we are questioning ourselves it can effect how comfortable we are with others. So as you explore yourself and grow, these feelings change. When we become more comfortable in ourselves and then we are with others too - even as introverts. So long as you are just being yourself being friendly then don't worry, no one will think anything of you.:)
    It's a little like you said about: 'intrusive thoughts of questioning my gender/sexual identity and being unhappy with my body' focusing on yourself can help how you feel and think about others. Maybe take this time to do this? Do some things that you love doing, explore that and see where that takes you. It can also mean that you meet new people that have similar interests which make social situations easier as you have more in common etc.

    ​I hope some of this has helped. It sounds like there's a lot on your mind at the moment but if you want to explore any of these things further, there are a few links below.
    Even though this is about starting Uni, it has some great things in here about looking after your mental health:
    http://www.themix.org.uk/work-and-study/student-life/looking-after-your-mental-health-when-starting-university-25015.html

    ​About explore yourself:
    http://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-relationships/gender-and-sexuality/exploring-your-sexuality-3353.html

    And if you are in need to someone to talk to, don't hesitate to call the Samaritans (24hr) 116 123 or Mind (Mon-Fri, 9-6pm)

    ​-PositiveAura:rainbow2:
  • MisunderstoodMisunderstood Fast Newbie Posts: 11 Settling in
    Thank you, I appreciate the informed answer. I’ve tried things and I’ve just become really frustrated in no progress so far. I don’t know what I want right now, part of me hates my gender and the other part hates myself for not being a perfect example of my gender.

    I don’t have any friends I feel I could be open to my feelings to and I can’t tell my family my problems for certain reasons.

    Just feel like I’m being choked right now and my university therapist is rubbish. I’m only getting older and as a result my ways of expression or life opportunities are getting narrower.

    There doesn’t seem to be anything I can do right now!
  • RachelRachel Fast Newbie Posts: 27 Boards Initiate
    Hey @Misunderstood
    I completely understand why you might feel pretty helpless about this sort of a thing, it's difficult opening up about things like this when they're talked about so rarely, but if you ever need me I'm always happy to help.
    I think that if you ever have particularly difficult days and just can't shake the negative thoughts that coming on here is definitely a good idea, I often do it, even if it's just chat or help someone else if I can, it's always a good distraction and everyone on here is so lovely and willing to help.
    Perhaps reaching out to a therapist/doctor outwith university may be a better idea? I did this with my anxiety as my school's guidance team are pitiful and although the wait can be painful, its definitely worth a try! Alternatively, if this is an option, talking to another teacher within University may be surprisingly helpful. Although high school is a world away from uni, teachers are all just people, and in my experience teachers are amazingly understanding and helpful, and this may be the case with yours? Perhaps if there is one you feel you could trust you could try opening up a little and see what other advice you can get?
    I hope your studies are going well and that things improve soon!
    Rachel xx
  • MochanMochan Posts: 65 The answer to life, the universe, and everything
    Thank you, I appreciate the informed answer. I’ve tried things and I’ve just become really frustrated in no progress so far. I don’t know what I want right now, part of me hates my gender and the other part hates myself for not being a perfect example of my gender.

    I don’t have any friends I feel I could be open to my feelings to and I can’t tell my family my problems for certain reasons.

    Just feel like I’m being choked right now and my university therapist is rubbish. I’m only getting older and as a result my ways of expression or life opportunities are getting narrower.

    There doesn’t seem to be anything I can do right now!


    Hi @Misunderstood. Thanks for sharing how you're feeling. It can be difficult opening up on a forum but you've made a good step towards helping yourself.

    It's great to hear that you've also tried to improve your feelings. Being patient is a key part of progress. We all strive to be the best we can be and can feel flat when we don't see improvement immediately. Be kind to yourself. The fact that you're being proactive by talking to us on the forum and being honest is proof of your strength and shows progress.

    @Rachel made a good suggestion to reach out to your GP at university or near where you live. It's not always easy to find a therapist that works for you straightaway so it's important to find out if there is anyone else you can talk to.

    Keep us updated. It'd be good to hear how you're getting on this week.
  • PositiveAuraPositiveAura Posts: 150 Settling in
    Hey @Misunderstood :wave:

    ​Sorry for the late reply, I wasn't online over the holidays, I hope you had a good one! How are you feeling recently?
    Thank you, I appreciate the informed answer. I’ve tried things and I’ve just become really frustrated in no progress so far. I don’t know what I want right now, part of me hates my gender and the other part hates myself for not being a perfect example of my gender.

    I don’t have any friends I feel I could be open to my feelings to and I can’t tell my family my problems for certain reasons.

    Just feel like I’m being choked right now and my university therapist is rubbish. I’m only getting older and as a result my ways of expression or life opportunities are getting narrower.

    There doesn’t seem to be anything I can do right now!

    ​I wanted to reply to this and just let you know that you are not alone. We all think that time is slipping away from us and that things will never change but believe me, this is not the case. I always use this example: my Step-Mum finished University recently and she's in her 50's and quit high school! And my other friend has turned 38 and has recently come out as gay. So try not to worry about time, we are all learning and changing everyday.

    As for gender, I understand the mixed feelings that you may be having. Trust me when I say there is NO perfect example of gender and try not to think of yourself from other people's point of view. Instead, it's about how you feel yourself. You don't have to know right now, or tomorrow, so just explore it for now. :)

    ​I definitely think talking about it all will help, and even though you've tried with the University Therapist, like @Rachel[/USER] and [USER="102285"]Mochan have suggested, perhaps one outside of the University would be better for you?

    ​Or even those services that have been suggested above, (Samaritans/MIND) you can find someone to talk to.

    ​Another little suggestion I have is if you have an LGBT+ centre nearby that offer services. They're always anonymous. You can go and talk to someone there or join groups, many of which include ones about gender. It can help to meet other people that are figuring themselves out too and you'll be able to see that there's a whole colourful scale of gender and how we can identify.


    -PositiveAura:rainbow2:
  • MisunderstoodMisunderstood Fast Newbie Posts: 11 Settling in
    Thank you. I get what you mean about having no perfect example. I might consider something outside university but I don’t feel like therapy is going to help me.

    A therapist isn’t going to change my gender for me, or get me to be happy with my own. They’re not going to solve my problems for me or get rid of this intense isolation I feel at university every single day.

    I honestly don’t know how to approach this. I’ve been a good problem solver in the past, always making lists and tacking things at different angles but I’ve hit a brick wall.

    My problem is unusually simple. I just hate how I am so sensitive to how I am treated because of my gender. Like, it doesn’t seem other guys care as much but to what doesn’t seem to be a big deal to them is a massive one to me. I constantly feel lonely and need a good network of empathetic people around me. I can’t shut myself off and go cold.

    As a male, I feel like I will never get that in life while I am still the gender I am, even from the opposite sex as I’d constantly be expected to be ‘strong’ (whatever that means) and not consider myself 99% of the time. I absolutely hate it, all I would want is just some of the warm friendships I see the opposite sex constantly have with eachother. Like when they have BFFs who look out for eachother, get along well and aren’t afraid to be them selves. I hate this ridiculous old fashioned ‘front’ I’m expected to put up. Not just by men, but by women as well.

    I just hate how I’m treated differently even though I have no care for what my gender stereotypically likes doing. Am I giving off the wrong message? Is it how I look or dress?

    It seems like a full transition to the opposite sex or suicide seems to be the only solution. Lately I’m feeling like the latter as after a lot of research, I don’t feel like I have the need to have female genitals, it’s just their lifestyle and the way they’re allowed to express their feelings more/are (mostly) much nicer to eachother than many uncaring men are. I don’t even know why I’m like this, it’s like I have the wrong brain in the wrong body.

    This is so painful and I wish I could just be happy with what I am. Yet simpily existing as I am at the moment, I can’t find the friendships that satisfy me, people upset me enough by treating me stereotypically and unconsiderately (when I’d like to do the opposite for them) and expect me to be into stuff like sex/sports/not enjoying deep conversations or interests. I also dislike my male physical form and wish I could have never have experienced puberty or at least had have an androgynous look, but as a guy that doesn’t seem to lead to anywhere good. It’s all so frustrating and I’m starting to think there is no hope in this planet for me so I might consider leaving it.
  • DreaDrea The Mix Posts: 292 Budding Regular
    Hey Misunderstood,

    It sounds like you're struggling a little at the moment, so let's try our best to change that! Unfortunately, still in today's day and age, people have gender stereotypes, and while there are biological differences, it is wrong to assume that males need to be 'stronger' or not show emotion or that women are weak etc... We do have a gender and sexuality page on the threads so it may be worth going through there to see if anyone maybe feels similarly to you! It is definitely frustrating to feel like you have certain expectation just because you're born a certain way.

    Just remember that you are worthy and that you have so much to offer this world, instead of leaving it! For example, you acknowledge that there are unfair gender stereotypes and just by writing this down, you are helping people and giving people hope, who feel the exact same as you! Change starts from people like you!

    Drea:heart:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Misunderstood

    it sounds like you need to offload and just express how you feel without any judgement. Your sensitivity is something to be admired, it is a sign of strength not weakness, being yourself and not putting on a front. Many men feel the need to have this brave front they put on or they say they feel weak. I feel it is the opposite to be open and and just be you, no frills or mask is an enormous sign of strength and courage.
    I am sure many other people can relate to what you feel and you are helping them not feel so alone.
    Feeling isolated can be scary, from my experience if the therapist you saw did not feel right, try someone else. You need to feel a connection with them.
    You say they cannot help you solve your problems, by talking and exploring you can find a way forward that will be right for you.

    You are someone I would like as a friend, I am sure many people would, perhaps you need to meet the ones that will appreciate and value you for who you are.
    Please stay with it, you are so worth it and the world is richer for having you in it. We don't want to lose you. We need more people like you on this planet.

    Let us know how you get on finding the right therapist to talk to. You can feel free to say as you feel knowing it is all confidential and they are there just for you. It is your time and you deserve it.

    Take Care
  • PositiveAuraPositiveAura Posts: 150 Settling in
    Hey @Misunderstood :wave:

    ​It really does sound like you are going through a struggle at the moment, but just like @Drea[/USER] and [USER="102726"]Haze have mentioned, there are many people out there who are feeling a similar way, you are not alone in this.

    ​Have you checked out our gender and sexuality forums here on the mix? If you haven't, here's the link http://www.themix.org.uk/community/f...xuality​
    it's a shame that there still is so much expectation and stereotyping behind gender, but as hard as it is to see, there are also so many of us out there now who are fighting against these pressures. Surround yourself with these people and you'll see that what you dress, what you look like and your gender doesn't matter to them, they'll embrace it.

    Full transition and suicide are not your only options, there is so much more out there for you and I know it's hard to see it now, but there is. Don't give up on yourself, because when you follow this journey and find yourself a bit more, that is when people will come into your life. And these people will be the ones that matter.

    ​Try to focus on yourself at the moment and less about what people are thinking, because this can add even more pressure. It can even change the way we think and make us start to follow other people's beliefs and opinions. I found this a lot when I was younger and ended up being 'friends' with people who weren't even nice to me, just because then I wasn't alone. But then I came out and they got worse, so I stayed on my own. I read a lot and explored myself and my sexuality and it ended up being the best thing for me. Sure, people thought I was quiet and whatever else, but I came out of that stronger and happier than I was before. Then I ended up finding a friend just like me and life got better. I forgot about those people who continued to bully me and they ended up all hating each other anyway.

    ​This is why it's important to ignore those who drag us down and seek out those who embrace who we are. Have you got any LGBT+ centres or groups around you? I ended up going to one a little further out from my town and now I actually work there. We run so many different groups for support, advice and friendships. If therapy is not for you, and you are looking for people to connect with, make friendships with and support you, these are the places to go.

    ​But if this seems daunting for you, then there are groups like this online too. Perhaps starting in The Mix Gender and Sexuality forums can help you see how many people are out there on your side.

    ​You'd be surprised how many people you can meet, that you'd 100% be helping them figure out who they are too. Believe it or not, just you coming on here and writing all of this has helped others. To show that it's ok not to be comfortable in your skin right now, but one day you will be, this is just the time where you are figuring it all out.

    ​Ultimately, people will never stop judging people and putting them in boxes. Society is wired this way. People stereotype because they have small minds and don't understand some of us, ignore these people and seek out the ones who will love that you are sensitive and caring. Be proud of these things, many males would envy you for these things because some people don't even understand their emotions or how to show these. You don't need to put up a strong front, what's strong is embracing who you want to be and ignoring anyone who doesn't like it!

    ​Like Haze said, please let us know how you are getting on.

    ​-PositiveAura:rainbow2:
  • FranFran Posts: 118 Boards Initiate
    Hi @Misunderstood :wave:
    It's been a while since you wrote your posts, so I'd like to know how do you feel right now?
    I am really sorry that you are going through this situation, but you are not alone! PositiveAura gave you a really useful advice: online or physical communities can be really helpful especially if you can find people that are facing the same situation as you are living.
    Brave and strong stereotypes of men are definitely overestimated!! I am a girl and I'm way more fascinated by sensitivity than by strength when it comes to other people, both girls and boys.
    It's ok having confused feelings about your gender and your sexuality. You have options, that are different from both suicide and gender change. I think that there's a time when people have to put themselves first and this is the time. People have their opinion, prejudices and beliefs, but when it comes to your life only you should have the last word. You matter and your life doesn't lose sense because of the problems you are facing!! you are brave because you are talking about them, because this is a great proof of courage! What really matters is what can make you feel better and what could make you love yourself. maybe knowing that you are not the only one experiencing these feelings could make the difference. The board about gender and sexuality that PositiveAura suggested could give you the opportunity to read other stories and to share your feelings with people who feel the same. You could feel understood and being understood would also help you fell close to someone. Don't be afraid to be judged.
    It is common to say that those who don't understand you don't deserve you, but it's really true!! It doesn't matter having a great number of friends, also because I strongly believe that it is possible to have some acquaintances, but just a few friends. You can find a friend because of who you are! Your personality and your feelings are not a limit, they could make the difference! your sensitivity is what makes you special just because it's one of the best qualities a person (boy or girl) could have! Don't think that you are alone!!
    If you feel bad, check this website, because the Samaritans could really help you!

    https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/what-speak-us-about/signs-you-may-be-struggling-cope/giving-yourself-strength

    I send you a hug and I wish you all the best!! :heart:
  • MisunderstoodMisunderstood Fast Newbie Posts: 11 Settling in
    You’ve all been really nice. Sadly, this seems to be the only place in the world where I haven’t been made to feel odd, criticised or indirectly bullied for the way that I am. I appreciate everyone’s empathetic replies and reminding me the fact that I’m a human being too.

    People at university don’t understand me because I don’t want them to know. They’ll most likely never get me and they’re all cold-hearted and just want to show off their ‘cute’ little lives for instagram. People at home probably wouldn’t bother with me and would get fed up of me talking about my problems, they’re most likely salty about me going to uni anyway.

    Nothing else out there I can turn to. I’ve tried uni counselling, it just seems to touch the surface and is superficial. I don’t feel like HRT or becoming transgender, yet it feels like the only way I’ll get the full filling relationships I want with people is if I’m the opposite sex. Otherwise everyone is SO cold to me and mistakes everything I do for a bad motive.

    I couldn’t sleep last night and stumbled upon this thread: (may be triggering content so please be careful) EDIT: decided not to include it as it’s a reddit thread and some of the posts were extreme but basically it was about people upset with their own gender and frustrated with the opposite for having everything in life they ever wanted. And some people who wanted to stay as the gender they were but never found what they wanted and were always treated like outcasts.

    Now I understand a lot of posts there are a bit OTT and I’d never disrespect someone or hate them for who they are. But the feelings of these people resonate so much with me, I’ve never come across a bunch of people who have felt so similar to how I felt.

    Simply reading the thread and everyone’s frustrations has killed any hope I had left in me and reminded me of the brutal reality of the problem. I want to stay as I am but I definitely have some disorder regarding relationships and gender identity and there probably isn’t any cure for it.

    Someone on there said something right: “I wish people were judged for who they were as a person rather than what they are, their gender, attractiveness and worth”. From my own experience I don’t think we live anywhere near that type of world.

    Never before in my life have I welcomed death so much. I just hope something happens to me and happens quick so that I’ll never have to live any more pain on this world.
  • RayofhopeRayofhope Posts: 152 Helping Hand
    Hi Misunderstood,

    I am so pleased to here that you feel that the community here have been friendly, you defiantly aren't odd. I am sorry to hear that the people at your uni don't understand you. How do you feel about this? Social media can play a large part in peoples lives and some people spend so long on making sure that the picture is correct and don't look at the world around them. We are always here for you.

    I am sorry you feel that there is nothing else out there for you, would you consider going to a doctor to talk through all the options which might be available to help you?

    Its sad to hear that you have lost hope, there might be something out there for you it may just take time to find out what it is. It would great if we could live in a world which people were only judged for who they are.

    Keep talking we are here for you.

    How you feeling at the moment?

    Rayofhope:rainbow::rainbow2:
    Life doesn’t require we be the best, only that we try our best
  • FranFran Posts: 118 Boards Initiate
    Hi @Misunderstood :wave:
    It's so sorry to hear that your feelings haven't got any better and that you are still experiences the same difficult emotions. I want to share a quote with you, which says "Be yourself and you can be anything". I know that it is the opposite as you are feeling right now, but I'm sharing it for one reason: you have said that this community has been the only place where you have not felt odd, so it may be right to say that you have shown yourself for who you truly are and you have been accepted and appreciated precisely for this reason. What I mean is that you are the one who can make the difference, just trying to be yourself and being confident about who you are. As we said, you matter, your life matter and what makes the difference is the way you look at the world and at yourself. you deserve to love yourself more and to value yourself more :heart:

    This community can be your safe place, a place where you can always feel free to talk and a place where you can start accepting you for who you are. You are not alone.

    I still recommend you to have a look at this page whenever you feel low or think about the fact that you don't think your life matters, as you can find some stories about people who faced similar or different experiences, but experienced similar feelings.

    https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/how-our-service-helps/personal-experiences-contacting-samaritans

    Take care :rainbow:
  • PositiveAuraPositiveAura Posts: 150 Settling in
    Hi @Misunderstood :wave:


    ​I want to first agree with the others and say that this community is great and I think that this is something that shows that there may be destruction and awfulness in the world, but there is also joy and people there to try and make it better. Sometimes, it's hard to see through all the hate, especially because there is so much of it, but there IS goodness out there.

    ​I'm sorry to hear that you are still struggling with your thoughts and feelings and the things you have tried haven't necessarily been of much help. It sounds like the thread that you spoke about has really effected you because it resonated most with you. It sounds that the post itself may have been triggering or negative but have you been able to find any similar that you've connected with but are more positive in any way?

    Since you've tried to talk to many people about this all, which would be the best thing to do, I'm also wondering if you are you able to access and LGBT+ services at all near yourself?
    I know that you say that it is society that has made you feel this way and you don't want to progress onto HRT or becoming Transgender but there are so many different groups and helplines that can help you with this. If it's LGBT+, their counsellors and helplines are usually more specific and so can perhaps guide or help you better. I only say this because I work at one and we offer counselling as well as mentoring and group support and would suggest trying this if possible.

    ​As for society and social media, sadly, it is a very fake world we live in at the moment and it's hard not to notice it if it's right in front of us. Have you thought about blocking or deleting anyone on your social media who makes you feel this way?
    ​Like I say, a lot of it is fake and the real people behind things are not what they seem. This is why we can't compare ourselves to others and we have to try and love ourselves.

    Like you've found, you are not the only one feeling this way. Please talk to someone if you are feeling this way, The Samaritans are only a phone call away 116 123. @Fran has posted a great link above to show how many people are out there feeling similar things. But you can get through it all and you ARE fit for survival here. Because that is what you are doing right now, right here, every day. *hug*


    ​-PositiveAura:rainbow2:

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