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V sad. Depression, sexual abuse, trauam, eating disorder. *Trigger warning*

ShaunieShaunie Posts: 12,451 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
Idk what to expecting from writing this.....dont have to reply cause im not even sure it makes sense & is pretty long & all that shit. ...but just to write how i feel and to feel like someome may listen.

Feel pretty confused with what is wrong with me. (Know no one is experts im just confused and hoping writing it down will help me) I 'have' depression, bpd, anorexia and social anxiety but do not agree with them except depression.but feel i have a mental illness towards a traumatic expereince, but dont think it is ptsd or anything cause i dont really get flashbacks i just keep thinking about what happened and how disgusting i am and how i cant forgive myself and how i want to die, but my mental illness i have no do not fit with how i feel and i think it is just cause i am weak instead.. I just feel controled and like i am losing and he is winning and still in my life and i dont think i will ever not feel disgusting to then have control. I feel so disgusting and dirty i cant even cope. Like i feel like actual dirt all the time and like i have showered in days. Yet i showered many many times since and he would not still be one me. So the only way i feel less dirty is when im not shoving shitty junk food down my throat and need to not eat in order to feel clean and be incontrol. But feel v dirty and disgusting cause i keeo binge eating and do not have control over myself. Im pretty addicted to a certain method of purging and feel everytime i purge, i feel more clean and like i take away the bad. But do not want to live a life of starving to end up binge eating anyway, is v tiring.

But i am traumatised by something i was at fault by which i think is a lil messed. I do convice myself for a few minutes i wasnt at fault. Doesnt make any difference. Still feel disgusting and how disgusting i felt in those moment wont leave me no matter what i do or think. So i dont get why i should have to live a life feeding into what an abuser wanted me to feel. & keep thinking i should go die. I dont think i am that disgusting that i deserve to die - but dont think he deserves to get what he wants everyday cause i am alive. And do not feel i deserve a worthy life and deserve to suffer cause i dont think it is impossible that it was the wrong mix of two people and i turned him into an abuser by the way i acted and gave of a vibe that said it is okay to treat me like shit cause i am no one and taught him that. Yet i still complain that some people are sickos and world is fucked up. i still dont trust anyone yet, and have no friends yet i helped him be a fuck up. I feel partt to blame but he has to take most blame. I still think he deserve to die cause i feel so so much anger everytime i think about it. And feel so bad & hate myself even more for wanting another person dead.
And i keep trying to get myself to believe in karma and hoping he gets what he deserves and dies soon but im sad that i dont think he will get what he deserves and only i got what i deserved and must of done soemthing bad before to desevre to be humilated and degraded to such a low level.

Just feel beyond help and v lonely. I cant tell people what happened evem though they believe i was raped, but what i am actually traumatised by is quite disgusting and do not think they will believe me cause they already see me as an attention seeking kid and even if they did will think im disgusting. And i tried to google what i went through and search the way i self harm from it and found nothing. I dont think i would ever even be able to even tell people how i self harm even annoymously cause is pretty messed up. But its pretty lonely place to not feel i cant talk about something thats affecting me everyday but dont want to be looked at like scum. domt know what is more more damaging and will never be happy. Already feel like i get looked down on when i try to speak about how low i feel.


  • ShaunieShaunie Posts: 12,451 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    Thank you vidhya. I have tried to contact an online rape help site once but it was pretty hard & uncomfortbale and didnt get very far. Think it was rainn.org and they do online chats but still felt uncomfable and have to wait for ages.

    I purge after i binge but then idk what triggers me to binge either. Probably fearing it so much and stress and boredom. But will try mindfullness
  • RayofhopeRayofhope Posts: 152 Helping Hand
    Hi Shaunie,

    How are you feeling at the moment?

    Well done for ringing the help site it can be hard but its amazing that you did it and the first step, :)so feel proud about yourself. Do you want to try one of the help line services again?

    Its great that you decided you want to give mindfulness a go it might really help, let us know how you get on with it?

    We are all here to support you when you need it.
    Life doesn’t require we be the best, only that we try our best
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