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I feel like I am sinking back in...

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Had a serious close call over the summer regarding my mental health. I was suicidal and at one point made plans to go through with it. With medication and support from some close friends and family I pulled through.

But, recently I just don't see myself going anywhere in life. I fucked up my first year in high-school and bombed my GPA so college is going to be hard. I will have to transfer to a better school second year in while everyone I know is going to full fledged university's. I feel like a total and utter failure. Recently I also have taken up drinking when my parents aren't around the point where I can walk straight at all. I don't know why the hell I do it, its just a distraction I guess. I have not touched Xanax or any of that stuff, but I have considered it at this point.

I'm not sure If I want to "Stay Afloat" anymore. It seems like it would just be easier to sink back into what happened over the summer. The only-thing stopping me at this point is the guilt of leaving my family and friends behind. Something my father (Who I have an increasingly bad/toxic relationship with) mentioned and I cant get it out of my head. He called it "Selfish" to kill myself because of everything he had done for me. This is not about trying to be an edgy teen here and stick it to the man by killing myself. The fact that he even said that really messes with my head.

Over the summer when things got better I met an awesome girl named Maya and pretty much went head over heels for her. She was was so smart, and kind that I thought we would really work something out. But in the end we really didn't go anywhere and she broke it off. Been a bit of a lull since then.

I'm really not sure what I'm doing here on this forum... School is crushing me at this point and I'm doing the best I can. I shouldn't even be up right now I got to wake up tomorrow at 6 AM.

Just needed to get my thoughts out there I guess.
Thanks for reading.

Comments

  • MochanMochan Posts: 65 The answer to life, the universe, and everything
    Hi @bobcards

    Welcome to the forum. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and your recent experiences. You mentioned that friends and family helped you pull through over the summer. Having a support network, whether that's on this forum and/or through friends and family. Is there anyone from your friends and family who you can talk to in one-to-one? Someone who listens well?

    It's been a few hours since you posted here. How are you feeling having got some sleep?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    @Mochan Hi. Sorry for being so inactive. Exam week has been coming up fast and everything is like a blur. I'm still really not feeling great. I have issues with talking to people in my family about some of my issues. Most of my family is fine to talk to but I really don't think they understand how I feel. Things are going better than last year school wise, but mentally I'm starting to slip again. At this point I guess I'm at that stage where I am just going to wait things out a bit and see where everything goes. Nowadays I could consider myself lucky that school keeps me too busy to let me think sometimes, but even that is starting to wear off. Things I used to like, like video games, and hanging out with friends, have little effect on me now. Everything just feels grey. But to answer your original question, that next morning I did feel a bit better. I'm trying to keep my consumption of things low to none. If I ever make a decision on anything relating to depression or anything like that I will be doing it with a clear mind hopefully. When I typed that I actually had a few drinks while my parents were away and needed to get my feeling out while I was open.
  • DreaDrea The Mix Posts: 292 Budding Regular
    Hey bobcards,

    Firstly well done for coming on here and talking about what you're going through, you should be really proud of yourself. If it helps at all, you are not the only who is feeling this was, and you are DEFINITELY not selfish for having suicidal thoughts. It is a crappy thing to feel but you cannot help how you feel. We are all here for you and are here to support you through this difficult time.

    If you're feeling a little down, it is perfectly ok to take some time off and do something good for yourself. Remember that your health always comes first. It's good that school keeps your busy. Have you considered joining or doing some sport or exercise? Exercise can be very helpful for low thoughts at least to an extent! Does your school have any counselling services? If so, have you maybe considered going and talking to someone? If you feel uncomfortable, that's also perfectly ok. There are many places that you can contact anonymously, which we'll link down below just to contact if you're feeling extra down. Hope your day gets much better and remember we're always here to chat!

    Drea:heart:


    Links:
    https://www.samaritans.org/
    http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/
    https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/tips-for-everyday-living/
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