No one believes that I was sexually abused

Former Member

I'm sorry that this is a bit of a depressing topic but it's been getting me down recently and I wanted to share.
A few months ago, I was sexually abused by my boyfriend at the time. After encouragement from some friends I had spoken to, I went to the police who dismissed me because "It wasn't rape so it's not a crime". My case worker has since told me that it is a crime and she is going to try and talk to the police. Either way, the police probably aren't going to do anything about it, my abuser was not contacted and he has gotten away with what he did.
Most of the people I have told are still friends with him and don't talk to me anymore. They believe his story over mine and I know it shouldn't get me down because they're not my real friends but it makes me feel like it's my fault. Even some of the people who believe me think it was partly my fault and I find it really upsetting.
I'm not really sure what I was hoping to get out of this topic but at least it's a way to get me feelings out. Any advice is welcome xx

Former Member

Hey littlebabypanda

First of all I just want to say it's great that you have decided to share what has happened to you, as talking about it is one of the best ways to help you understand how you are feeling and what you would like to do next

Your case worker is correct in that sexual assault is definitely a crime, and that you were in no way at fault for what happened. I understand how isolating it must be for you that friends, as well as the police, are struggling to see your side of the story. Are there any other friends or family you feel comfortable talking to?

There are lots of different options of where you can get some help and support if you feel that you are ready...

• counselling - you can get counselling through the Mix itself or other charities, your GP or a sexual assualt referral centre (SARC)
  you may also have some self referral counselling services in your area, it is worth looking into this if you are not comfortable talking to your GP etc. about your situation
• charities - rape crisis have a helpline - 0808 802 9999 - they can also offer support and counselling
  the survivors trust have lots of local organisations that can help as well as a support helpline - 0808 801 0818
• the mix - you can look at the support pages on our website and also access support through the online chat, email or the helpline 0808 808 4994

Remember you can always continue the conversation on here if you ever want to talk about it

Tash

Former Member

Hi!

It is amazing that you had the courage to talk about it, it’s a brave thing to do. I understand that it’s probably really hard when people don’t believe what happened. The most important thing though is the fact that it did happen and you need to find ways to cope and deal with it and it WASNT your fault. Forget the people who don’t believe you as it just makes more stress for you, i believe that you can get through this and I know my advice isn’t great but I’m always here for a chat whenever, just send me a pm xx

Former Member

Hey @Past User

Firstly I would like to say how brave you are for speaking aloud about this matter.

Consent is such a grey area, especially when the other person was your boyfriend at the time. I am so glad you have recognised that even if someone is a boyfriend, they can still do something which you have not agreed to. This is something which a lot of people fail to realise or to even recognise. Good for you for calling him out on it! That takes a massive amount of emotional intelligence and bravery. You definitely do not deserve to be forced to partake in any activity you don't want to. It is such a shame that your acknowledgement of the wrongdoing has been badly received by people around you, including your friends. Unfortunately a lot of people still fail to understand the idea of consent, especially between a so-called couple. I personally think that consent, or lack of consent within a relationship setting, is still widely misunderstood.

I really hope that your case worker makes progress with the police, I am sure more can be done for you.

My advice would be continue what you're doing, it is unfortunate that people around you fail to empathise, but stick to your guns. You deserve better than to be treated like that by a 'boyfriend', and it is so admirable that you have called him out for the wrong-doing, I wish I had done the same with boyfriends of my past.

Good on you, massive respect for your bravery and determination.

Good luck and I hope your situation gets better, I am sure it will!

Former Member

Hi @Past User
As the others have said, thank you so much for sharing this, you're very brave for speaking about it. Unfortunately, I have had a very similar experience myself. I'm really glad you have posted here to talk about it. I'm so sorry to hear some people believe him over you, I know how awful that is. I think sometimes people who haven't experienced this really just don't understand... And it's easier to go for the 'ignorance is bliss' standpoint and ignore what you've said than to face it. Please don't feel like it was your fault because others aren't supporting you - as you said yourself, they are NOT real friends.

This article about consent helped me quite a lot http://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-relationships/single-life-and-dating/sexual-consent-15356.html. There are some really good links at the bottom to getting more support, too. I really recommend speaking to someone every time you feel low about this, if you feel you can. It's helpful to get another person's perspective and talk through these feelings otherwise they can eat away at you. Remember the Mix helpline is free ([URL="tel:08088084994"]0808 808 4994[/URL]) open every day, 11am – 11pm, they also run one to one webchat and group chats. Of course, we're all here, too.

I'm really glad to hear you already spoke to friends who encouraged you to go to the police, because it is absolutely a crime. It's so disappointing that they didn't take you seriously as it takes real guts to go and do that, and by doing it you are preventing him from doing that again. Your case worker is completely right to keep trying with the police, and so are you. Keep going *hug* and let us know how you get on. Hope to hear back from you soon.

- Lucy