Giving up saying no to someone who is taking advantage of you

Former Member

Hey I’m a 17 yr old lesbian and 7 months ago (a week after i met my current girlfriend) I hung out with this other girl that i had never met who i knew liked me, and this other girl who i knew. And she was flirting with me and wasn’t really stopping her until she started being overly forward with me. She started saying that she wanted to kiss me multiple times and everytime i would tell her that i was talking to someone and i liked her and didnt want to hurt her. We went to my house after a little and we were drinking and our mutual friend fell asleep. She kept persisting that she wanted to kiss me and she started trying to kiss me and do other things. I kept telling her no and that i liked the girl i was talking to and that i didnt want to hurt her. and she kept telling me that she cared about me and wanted to take care of me and kept persisting. I got up and left the room and went to the bathroom where she followed me and continued to try and put her hands in my pants and trying to kiss me. I kept telling her no and moving her hand but then at a certain point i gave up trying to say no. i dont know why, i dont know if she had just made me feel so worthless that i just stopped standing up for myself and the girl i was talking to you. im not really sure and i cant really explain it but she did what she wanted and then it was over. And i didnt touch her, and i didnt want anything that was happening to happen, and when she was going down on me i felt so ashamed and worthless and dirty and i didn’t want to be there. But i ended up finishing and it was so confusing and made me feel 10x more ashamed. Has this ever happened to anyone? Or anything similar? I dont feel like a victom and i know that so much of that was my fault. i got myself in that situation and lead her on and i chose to drink. That weekend i told the girl i was talking to the bare minimum (just that she tried stuff with me and was being very persistent and i kept saying no and she wasn’t successful) but for the past 7 months ive been keeping the whole story completely to myself and was suppressing it so much because i was so embarrassed and ashamed. my girlfriend never fully believed me but this weekend my girlfriend she dragged the whole truth out of me and now feels that i cheated on her and lied to her for so long about it. But really i was just so ashamed and felt so worthless about it that every time she’d ask i just got a lump in my throat and couldnt speak about it. Just wondering if anyone can relate to this because it feels really confusing.

Former Member

Hi Mlram,

First of all, thank you for sharing your story here, it's very brave of you. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Firstly, it's not your fault that this happened, it's not your fault because you were drinking or trying not to hurt her feelings, you didn't give her consent and you shouldn't feel ashamed for 'giving up'. Unfortunately it's really not rare for this to happen... I have personal experience of this too so I understand why you are feeling the way you are. Please believe this is not your fault, this is her fault.

I found this article really useful & confirmed to me what consent really is http://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-relationships/single-life-and-dating/sexual-consent-15356.html. It's also got some really good links at the bottom to getting more support. I really recommend speaking to someone about this, if you feel you can, it's helpful to get another person's perspective and talk through these feelings otherwise they can eat away at you. Remember the Mix helpline is free ([URL="tel:08088084994"]0808 808 4994[/URL]) open every day, 11am – 11pm, they also run one to one webchat and group chats.

& please keep talking to us here! How have things been with your girlfriend since you told her this weekend?

- Lucy *hug*

Former Member

Hey @mlram :wave:

​It takes so much to come on here and share your story and you are definitely not alone in what has happened to you or how you are feeling. It sounds like you were in an awful situation which you did everything you could to stop and you did not give consent at all so don't blame yourself. You did all that you could, it was out of your control and you were taken advantage of.

​First of all, you have to stop punishing yourself. You say you felt 'worthless' 'dirty' and 'ashamed' and this can really damage the way we think of ourselves. It wasn't your fault, you didn't do this to someone else, it was done to you and so you can't be these things. You have held all of these thoughts and emotions in for so long and it is good to finally let it out. Is there anyone that you can talk to about what happened and your feelings on it now?

​I'm curious how much you told your girlfriend? Try to understand that if she has only just found out then emotions may be quite fresh for a while and you may have to let her process it all. Then do you think you could sit with her and have a talk about everything? I am sure that if you managed to tell her all that you have written to us, she could understand what happened and that it wasn't your fault.

​It was also just when you met and you are with her now so in time she may be able to see this, that you chose her. Of course, when things like this happen it is so difficult to talk about it because then we have to re-live it and explaining this to her may help her understand why you didn't say.

​A similar thing happened in the start of my relationship and once that my partner and I both knew that it was a misunderstanding, a mistake and that we only wanted each other..we were able to get through that. And now we have been together over 4 years so I definitely suggest you talk it out. All you can do is make sure she knows how you feel about her and explain why you didn't tell her.

Then it's all about you healing from what happened. You have to heal yourself so that you can move on. @Lucy307 has given some great services that could help if you want to talk to someone.

​Here is some info and advice from The Mix, this is all about building trust that could help you and your relationship now.

http://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-rel...ust-13956.html

​Hope some of this helps and you are feeling better about what has happened now that it is out in the open. The only way now is forward.

​-PostiveAura:rainbow2:

Former Member

Hi mlram

I think it's great that you have decided to talk about what's happened on here. Like Lucy307 and PositiveAura have said, you must never blame yourself for what happened, it doesn't matter that you were drinking or that you 'led her on', you did not give your consent - that is what matters.

If you feel comfortable enough to speak to your girlfriend about what happened again, I think it's important you explain how you are feeling, so that she can see things from your point of view. Hopefully she will be more understanding if you explain why you kept it from her for so long.

The articles the others have mentioned are pretty useful. If you feel ok with it, talking about it with someone else can help you understand how you are feeling and how to rebuild you and your girlfriend's relationship - whether that be on here, with a friend or with the Mix helpline/online chat service.

I hope this helps and that you guys are able to get your relationship back on track.
Tash