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Wanting to report sexual abuse but my family are racist

I was in a pretty secretive relastionship because my family are v judgemental and racist and would hate me if they knew i was in a relastionship with someone who wasnt white. I was with him for nearly 2 years and he sexually abused me for the last few months. I would tell my family i was seeing my friends but was seeing him. Cause i knew how they would react. And i know if i would like to report this then my family are surely going to find out who he was. I dont know how the report system goes but I'm sure that would be something I can't hid from them.

I don't think they would be empathetic about the situation at all and would be more focused on the person not being white. And I'm sure they would even make comments like - it's what to expect into going into a relastionship with someone who isn't white. - They do say sick comments like that and are really racist.

My family are pretty constant with what they say about others. And I cant help but think, their thoughts have rubbed onto me. And then I start thinking maybe I dont like speaking about it because i am ashamed myself for the relastionshsip. I do question if I am racist myself and that is something that is stopping me reporting it aswell. But then I think maybe I am not racist cause I was in the relastionship in the first place but then I get negative thoughts that maybe after the relastionship & what happened that, am racist. People who are in the same race as him - I'm not too keen on and I don't know if because reminds me of him or cause I am racist. But I feel guilty for thinking like that. And think is wrong?

I hope this didn't offend anyone.

I don't think I have worded this as well as I could, at all, or explained well. but I just feel pretty stuck


  • RayofhopeRayofhope Posts: 152 Helping Hand

    Well done for being open on here about what has happened and how you are feeling, It sounds like it is very confusing for you at the moment.

    What he has done to is wrong and if you want to report this then that is alright. I was wondering if you had ever heard of Rape crisis they are a great charity and may be able to give you more advice. You may even be able to report it without your family finding out as depending on your age, it should all be confidential unless they feel you may cause harm to yourself or someone else.

    Remember there are people out there to support you.


    Life doesn’t require we be the best, only that we try our best
  • ThisIsMyUsernameThisIsMyUsername Posts: 4 Newbie
    Thank you very much for help and links

    Is this wrong to think like
    I do question if i am a racist myself and that is something that is stopping me aswell..But then I think maybe I am not racist cause I was in the relastionship in the first place but then I get negative thoughts that maybe after the relastionship & what happened that, am racist. People who are in the same race as him - I'm not too keen on and I don't know if because reminds me of him or cause I am racist. But I feel guilty for thinking like that. And think is wrong?
  • Lucy307Lucy307 Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    Hi ThisIsMyUsername,

    I'm so sorry that you had to go through that for the last few months. You are clearly still going through a really difficult time and it doesn't help that your family don't know about your relationship. I understand that you want to report what happened - well done for reaching out to us on this. I echo Rayofhope's advice to visit Rape Crisis, it's a brilliant charity who will be able to give you advice and guidance on the process - including whether your family would find out - you don't have to commit to anything, just have a chat with them if you can. Let us know what you think.

    On questioning whether you are racist or not... First of all, from what you've said, it sounds you believe that being racist is wrong (people having racist thoughts usually wouldn't think like that). Secondly, this sounds to me like other people (who have similar looks etc) are reminding you of him and your experience, which is making you uncomfortable. You said you felt ashamed of the relationship too, would you have still felt ashamed if it had been a good relationship and he had treated you well? Sometimes when awful things like this happen to us, we have sweeping thoughts - e.g. when a boyfriend cheats on us, we might find it difficult to trust men again straight away... because men remind us of the experience - not because we somehow then turn sexist and dislike all males. What do you think?

    - Lucy
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
  • DreaDrea Posts: 292 The Mix Regular
    Hey ThisIsMyUsername,

    Completely agree with Lucy307!

    Racism isn't really something that you are born with for example, it tends to come from stereotypes. So for example, if you hear in the news that people of a particular race are often being targeted or you have had a few bad experiences with someone from a particular race, you may start to assume that everyone from that race is the same. We all stereotype and it is something that happens naturally the more we have negative experiences, however it is important to remember that there are so many people within a race, with completely different personalities, opinions and morals that it is impossible for them to all be the same! What you have gone through is undoubtedly awful, and the person who did abuse you should be held accountable for it. You're so strong for posting this and you should be really proud of yourself!

    You seem like you're maybe experiencing confusion because you're making negative ties with what he did, and the reason behind it which you're unsure of, which is why it may just be a case that you're associating it with his race, since it's a new experience! You're not a bad person for having those thoughts, and it's really good that you've identified how you feel because it shows that you care and you don't want to think about people in a way which may be wrong or assumptive so well done! We're not experts here to explain why people abuse and do really horrible things, but it is usually something within that individual that is different and not socially acceptable, as opposed to it being influenced by their race. It just so happens that this man wasn't white so you may think that that is what is different, when really it's just someones personality and perhaps how they have been brought up to think which has influenced his behaviour.

    Hope you're doing okay, and hope this helped! Feel free to chat to us whenever if you have any more concerns, or if you just need someone to talk to!

  • ThisIsMyUsernameThisIsMyUsername Posts: 4 Newbie
    Thank you both very much. Thats interesting to hear and makes a lot of sense. Im just pretty confused. You asked if i still would still be ashamed of the relastionship if he treated me well and i think i would be ashamed of it. And im not sure why. When i was socialable i had loads of friends who werent white and wasnt ashamed of that but my parents make me feel ashamed of a relastionship with him.maybe would be just ashamed to admit to my parents . Idk im so confused.
    But I believe is wrong and hate it when people are racist because its just generalising people. So im not sure where the shame comes from
  • PositiveAuraPositiveAura Posts: 150 Helping Hand
    Hi @ThisIsMyUsername

    ​Thanks for sharing your experience, thoughts and feelings with us. You've had some great responses and I hope they have been able to help you work through the situation that you are in. I hope you are recovering from what has happened, it truly is an awful thing to go through. If you are struggling there are a lot of places that you can go to for support after abuse. There's the Samaritans on 116 123 or even Women's Aid.

    ​Considering the fact that you have opened up on here and said that you believe racism is wrong just shows you that that isn't who you are. I agree with @Drea[/USER] and [USER="99408"]Lucy307 in saying that it sounds as if the negative thoughts that you are having are related to what he did rather than his race. But because you are surrounded with people who make comments about race, this can be why this pops up into your mind which is understandable.

    ​From your post above it seems that you are a little clearer that you may be being influenced by your parent's thoughts and that this is making you feel ashamed rather than you having those views yourself. This can happen with a lot of things in life as we grow up in our parents household and live life alongside them. The people that we are surrounded by can definitely influence what we think and feel but as we grow up we form our own ideas and can pull away from this.

    ​I hope you are feeling less confused and can see that your feelings may be being influenced by other people's views along with the experience that you had with your ex. It is completely understandable that you may be weary of men with the same race as him as you can be reminded by the things that he did. But by accepting this, you can take it step-by-step from there and work on healing from it.

    ​There is also no pressure to tell anyone you don't want to tell. That said if you ever feel ready to and told your parents, no matter what their comments were about the race of this person, they would want to support you after the abuse and help you work through this. What are your thoughts on this, if you take their views on race away, would you want their support during this time?

    ​Then perhaps your own views will become clearer after this healing process? :)


  • ThisIsMyUsernameThisIsMyUsername Posts: 4 Newbie
    Thank you. Youve all been really helpful!!
    Im not sure my family would support me if they knew. They know i was in a dodgy relastionship and supported me when i was getting help from a service but i really think they wouldnt care if they knew his race. But ill look into reporting abuse and may contact womans aid or Rainn

    Thank you again
  • DreaDrea Posts: 292 The Mix Regular
    Hey ThisIsMyUsername,

    Pleasure to help! Let us know if you need anything else!

  • PositiveAuraPositiveAura Posts: 150 Helping Hand
    Hey ThisIsMyUsername,

    ​I hope that your thoughts and feelings are a little clearer now and it's good to hear that you are contacting some of the places we have suggested to help you with it all.

    ​So long as your parents are supportive about what has happened and helping you recover, that's good and will really help you at this time. If you feel that it would be different if they knew his race, don't feel obligated to tell them. It's your decision and there isn't any big need to tell them this, what really matters is that they help you. So get that first and then if it ever comes up or you want to tell them, you can do in the future.

    ​We are all here on The Mix to help!


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