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I'm in love with a woman but I think she is straight

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi everyone!

It is honestly the first time I seek advice/help from an online board but I am really desperate. After many long years of not admitting to myself that yes, I'm into women, I have finally reached a point in my life (and have a healthy environment) that I have accepted who I am and I feel free to express it. And because life is hard and enjoys kicking you when you're about to fly off to better lands, I have fallen completely, painfully, I-can-feel-an-electrical-charge-when-you-touch-me in love with a woman who I am positively sure is straight.

I mean, there is this energy between us whenever we meet, but maybe it's just me. We do stuff together and there are many moments when there is subtle flirtiness going on between us, but I can't tell if it's just our women thing, or if she is actually feeling something more as well.

I would like to note here that because of my so far life-long frustration with my sexuality I don't have much experience in the field of approaching someone I like sexually and I have no idea how to deal with this. When I first realized I was falling in love with her I was in heaven, but now, I like and care for her so much but I can't say anything because I'm terrified she is straight and I don't know how she might react :( Any help?

Thank you for reading


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    vidhyavidhya Deactivated Posts: 75 Budding Regular
    Hey Melpo,

    It seems like you're going through a really confusing time! Its totally normal to be nervous before approaching someone in a romantic way. No one is perfect at relationships and every relationship is different!

    The Mix offers an online tool that could help you look at your future options based on what you decide and help you weigh out the pros and cons: http://lovesmart.themix.org.uk/menu .

    Alternatively the Mix offers some great articles on love/relationships, especially towards friends: http://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-relationships/single-life-and-dating/i-love-my-best-friend-3183.html or http://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-relationships/single-life-and-dating/coping-with-a-crush-3212.html . These articles could help you think about different perspectives (if you choose to tell her or not).

    Hopefully this helped!

    Vidhya @The Mix
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    Lucy307Lucy307 Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    Hi Melpo,

    Sorry to hear you're in a confusing situation. First of all, I wanted to say it's fantastic you have reached the stage that you are happy with who you are - that's an achievement in itself. It can be challenging to get that far and often the challenges don't stop there - but that's also where the fun starts! I understand you feel inexperienced but don't worry, there are no rules, we all have to learn as we go along. In my experience, when feelings form from friendship (whether you like girls or guys!), it can often be a bit of a guessing game as to whether those feelings are reciprocated.

    I find that friends can be a good sounding board when you're having these confusing feelings. Do you feel like you could speak to somebody close to you about this?

    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
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    SunshineSoulSunshineSoul Posts: 57 Boards Initiate
    Welcome to the boards Melpo! :wave:

    It sounds like an emotionally tolling situation you’re in there, but I want to start off by saying ‘you go girl!’ it’s great to hear that you’re feeling comfortable with your sexuality and feel free to express this part of you, awesome stuff! :yippe:…now back to your dilemma, I think it’s a very common problem that lesbian and bisexual women seem to experience especially when just coming out, so don’t think you’re alone in this, it happens to the best of us! I’ve been there before too.

    I would suggest assessing your current relationship and doing what @vidhya posted to weigh out the pros and cons, sometimes there is the potential to ruin a good friendship when circumstances like these arise. It's certainly understandable to develop crushes on friends, especially if you are going through a vulnerable time in your life or in your case have experienced a new level of personal growth regarding your sexuality or if that person is just pretty damn fine ;). But saying that, it can sometimes work - but it can also become an uncomfortable wedge and forever change your friendship when you cross over that barrier, so it may be worth asking yourself if it's really worth the risk of losing someone so special in your life over what could be an infatuation or a ‘crush’ that you are pretty sure will be unattainable. Your friend may also be very understanding about your ‘crush’ on her, and just say with a kind smile that she is not interested - and you guys go on as friends with it never being mentioned again. It's simply a chance you take.

    It may, however, be well worth taking the chance on love, even if it means the possibility of the friendship ending. Especially if it's more than just a ‘crush’ and you have fallen too deep for her. It certainly can also work out, but it’s up to you to gauge whether it’s suitable to express your feelings, remember your happiness is important too and if it’'s too much heartache you could either express your feelings or distance yourself until you are over her or continue the way you are currently.

    It certainly is a tricky one. If you think you have the sort of relationship where you could be completely honest about your feelings then go for it, if not maybe subtly fish for some clues before you make any big decisions about how you’'ll proceed. It could be the case that she’'s been open to the idea of being with a woman but that opportunity has not arisen before for her, she could be as straight as an arrow – but you’'re not going to know for sure unless she openly talks about it. However I think these days people tend to be more open toward 'gender fluidity' and more accepting and it sounds like you have fantastic chemistry and this is what sparks a great relationship –so just go slowly, let things happen naturally and see where it goes. Keep being your flirty self and enjoying each other'’s company and you never know that moment may arise between you two where it feels that your question has been answered.

    Good luck!

    ​- Sunny :rainbow:

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    PositiveAuraPositiveAura Posts: 150 Helping Hand

    Welcome Melpo! :wave:

    Wow you have some great responses here and I agree with everyone above but I wanted to give you my input too.

    ​I'm going to also have to say YOU GO MELPO! :birthday:​ Becoming comfortable and in tune with yourself is such a great, great feeling and I am so happy for you that you are able to fully embrace every part of yourself now. Sometimes this can be such a big battle but when you reach that self-acceptance it can open a whole new world. And don't ever worry about experience, we are all still gaining experience, learning and fumbling our way through life everyday right? And it is an adventure to explore who we are and who we want to spend our time with.

    ​You mentioned that you have a healthy environment now which has allowed this expression of yourself and I am curious if this means that you are somewhat surrounded by some people of the LGBTQI+ community?
    ​It is always great to be able to talk to someone who you may be close to because they probably know where you are coming from. If not, here we are!

    ​Because yes, I have been there too. Many of us have and the relationships can end up in different ways.
    ​Some of us end up dating the person, some overcome it and remain friends and others have to distance themselves until feelings change or they find someone new. You could fall into any here, which I understand is hard not knowing.

    ​If seems like you have really fallen hard for this woman rather than it being just a crush so I really think that you have to look out for your heart here.
    ​Carrying on like you are and not knowing will cause heart ache, and maybe finding out will too. But you have to ask yourself if you would regret never trying?

    ​You mentioned that you two have some chemistry and flirtatiousness, which could be a hint. May I ask if this woman is aware of your sexual orientation? If so, it shows that she is already comfortable with you and accepts you. I'd first suggest finding out more here. If you are anxious about just spitting it out, out of the blue then bringing things up into conversation is a good starting point. Here are some things I suggest:

    ​Find out how she's feeling at the moment, what is on her mind?
    Here you just come across as a caring friend, but she might reveal something about her current situation or feelings. This could lead on to her relationships or if she is seeing/crushing on anyone too, which may or may not come back to yourself.

    Find out who is she attracted to?
    ​Sexuality and identity is so so fluid and everyone is different. Some people label themselves, some don't. So you never know who this woman may be attracted to.​ For example, celebrity crushes is such a common subject, maybe finding out hers would give you a hint? You could even bring up female celebrities and see what she says. Maybe asking if she has a 'type' or if she has any 'ex stories'. Subtle questions which friends talk about anyway which will let you know who she is interested in and who she has been with in the past!

    See if anyone else knows?
    I know this sounds such a young thing to do but if you are feeling worried, anxious and vulnerable about bringing anything at all up to this woman, you do have the option to ask mutual friends. You don't have to confess your feelings or ask anything obvious, again just something subtle to see if you can get some hints.

    Take her to an LGBTQI+ friendly place or event?
    Whether she knows your sexual orientation or not, you could suggest a place or event to go to together. It could be anything from a group meet-up, an event, a bar or just a casual café, if she agrees then she is comfortable with it and it wouldn't be out of the blue to talk about anything LGBTQI+ related because you are surrounded by it.:rainbow: :rainbow2:

    Tell her that you have feelings for someone?
    Actually ask her advice about this situation. She doesn't need to know its her. Ok, she might guess so maybe be quite vague and then just see how she reacts. She might support you and offer advice or she might go the other way and show signs of jealousy or say that she is in the same position. Either way, again, this can get the ball rolling on the conversation of who you are interested in, and also who she is interested in.

    ​I hope some of those suggestions help, maybe try one out.

    ​This is such an exciting time for you to meet people and explore yourself and you'll never know until you go for it.
    It might go absolutely great, but it also might mean that your friendship changes and you lose what you have. But could you really go through years of hiding your feelings and never knowing?

    ​And in the future, sometimes feelings change or lessen. Or someone else might come along and sweep you off your feet and you might realise that what you are feeling now is nothing in comparison.

    Good luck and let us know how everything is going, we are all here!

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi everyone!

    Oh thank you all so much for the warm welcome and for all your responses! I really appreciate it that you took the time to think of ideas and solutions and post them here. Just reading everything makes me feel better!

    Vidhya thank you very much for the links! It will be my next stop after here, hopefully it will provide some information and guidance (I'm afraid guts is something I have to find on my own).

    It's amazing to see that there are more people out there who realize how much of an achievement it is to finally be comfortable in your own skin. When I mentioned I am in a safe environment, I meant that I have moved out of my country of origin and gone to a place where being yourself is the norm. Homosexuality is not illegal or anything where I come from, nor is it dangerous to express it, but the society is still quite repressed and it would be a problem -for me- to go through such a struggling time while being surrounded by people who would have rathered I kept my feelings to myself. Or even worst, would try to persuade me that I'm just "going through a phase and should just ignore it".

    Of course, that also means I'm a bit isolated. To answer your question Lucy307, I have made some good friends here who have provided me with a lot of support, and have tried to lightly joke about my situation (it's good to laugh with yourself sometimes) so I have some friendly advice when I need it. None of them have gone through something similar though, which is why I turned to online advice. I also have a sister, to whom I really want to talk about all this, but she's miles and miles away and I could never have this conversation on skype with her, or any of my other friends from home. I will see her in a couple of weeks and I think it will be very cleansing to finally talk to her about all this.

    To clarify the situation (and answer to both of you sunshineSoul and PositiveAura), at the beginning I also thought it was a crush because the first time I saw her I had that moment of being "struck dumb" (I still remember it vividly btw) and I thought (and hoped) that it would go away eventually. But the truth is it has been going from bad to worst. At first, I just thought she was very pretty and charming and I was dreamily gazing at her from afar whenever I had the chance, but as time passed and we started talking and I got to see that she is such a gentle, kind, caring person it's not just about her being pretty anymore. Now I'm making heart-eyes whenever she's mumbling to herself as she's working at the computer. And worst of all, one day she burned her hand with boiling water and I finally knew what my mother meant when she said "it hurts me more than it hurts you when you hit somewhere". I swear I felt the pain, she ended up comforting me.

    I really wish I could tell her. Unfortunately, we work together. I've just finished my studies a few months ago, have taken on an unpaid internship and have started a part-time job to make ends meet, and that's where I met her. I don't want to make things uncomfortable for her in her workspace, so at least until my internship is finished and I can quit the job, I'm not going to say anything, although some days it's harder than others. Today we hang out after work and as we were talking she said to me "I don't know why, but whenever you are here I feel like there is a light in my day and everything is better" and I almost wept right there and then.

    I now know she is into men, the subject of relationships has come up a few times (and so far I've chickened out of telling her I'm into women) but it doesn't flow easily between us, though she doesn't have any trouble discussing it with the rest of our coworkers. The last couple of weeks we've had a client who has been hitting on me, and every time he came she used to get really moody. When I told her I have no interest in him whatsoever, she was fine again. I'm starting to hope that maybe she has some feelings for me as well, but because she has never felt attracted to a woman before she has no way of describing (or admitting) them. Then again, this could be wistful thinking. I know she is not into anyone at the moment and I also know we treat each other differently. I -of course- am very open and honest with her (but for that one tiny bit of information) and she reciprocates in kind, which I know doesn't happen with anyone else and it's stronger than just a friendly vibe, but of course, it's not a sisterly thing either. That I know, because one day we were talking and were clicking together so badly I asked her "are you my long lost sister or something?" and she frowned, not really liking that idea. Plus some days she does try to impress me, which just makes me want to laugh and cry and hug her like mad because God knows she doesn't need to impress me, I can't be any more in love.

    In any case, I've decided that the moment I get to quit that job I am going to tell her the truth. I have really fallen for this woman and I feel I owe it to myself -and to her- to tell her the truth. Just not before I make sure I won't bring her in the uncomfortable position of having to deal with my feelings on a regular basis if she doesn't want to. I know a rejection will be painful, but I also know her and she would never hurt anyone intentionally. it would just be the pain of something that's just not meant to be which, if she's not interested in me, is unavoidable anyway. I know I can't stay friends and not say anything, just the though of standing by while she meets someone else makes me sick, so I don't have much of a choice.

    Again, thank you all for your lovely advice. These last few weeks, after discussing it all with a few friends and after writing down how I feel here, I have managed to make my peace with the situation and understand my own feelings a lot more. I've decided to enjoy how I feel no matter the outcome. Having the ability to brighten the life of someone I care about so much has made my life better, so I will continue to do that to the best of my ability while it lasts.

    Have a good night, and thank you all!
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    Lucy307Lucy307 Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    Hi again Melpo

    Brilliant to hear just sharing your experience has made you feel better! I'm so glad to hear you will be talking to your sister about this soon - it can be so cleansing to get whatever's in your head out into the real world. You're sounding so much more positive. You have clearly thought this through enough to work out what you want to do and how. I get the work thing - that's a very rational plan! It also sounds like your relationship, whatever happens, is brilliant at the moment and I totally agree with your sentiment of enjoying how you're feeling!

    All the best. I'm rooting for you! :)

    - Lucy
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
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    PositiveAuraPositiveAura Posts: 150 Helping Hand
    Hey Melpo! :wave:

    ​It's so good to hear that our responses have helped you and brought you to a decision about what you are planning to do.
    Your actions going forward are definitely the right thing to do for both your own heart as well as the other person's. And it's great hearing that you have friends and your sister to talk to. It's just shown how talking through things can really bring you clarity about a situation and help you to decide how to more forward.

    Thank you for sharing your story with us, it sounds like you have had to make some hard choices in life. That being said, it is so inspirational to hear that you moved out of your country of origin and are now completing an internship as well as having a part-time job. That takes so much courage and strength. You go girl! :yippe:

    ​It is understandable about your work situation and I hope that over the future weeks things go smoothly and you are able to confess your feelings. Like you said, enjoy it at the moment as much as possible, love is a great feeling. And you won't have any regrets afterwards because you have given it your all and gone for what you want. Your positivity is really showing through and that's one of the best mind-sets you can have.

    ​I wish you the best of luck, with both your internship and with your feelings. From what you have described above, what you two have is special and even if this doesn't become more, hopefully your relationship can heal in the future.

    ​Please let us know how everything goes or if you need any advice in the mean time.

    ​Live @Lucy307 said, we are rooting for you!

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