Dealing with guilt - please advise

Former Member

Hello,

I hope you can help me. I've been with my girlfriend for just under 2 years now, I'm 25 and she's 23. I'm still living at home whereas she is living alone with her 5 year old son from a previous long-term (7 year) relationship - her only ex.

She works part time in a cafe 3 days a week and looks after her son 5 nights a week, school runs etc. I work full-time in a 9-5 job and am studying part-time towards a degree at university.

Our sex life at first wasn't too bad, but it has been dead for over a year already. She's still never shown me her private parts, has never let me go down on her (I stopped asking over a year ago) and always demands sex is in a dark room under the covers. (She says it's to do with pregnancy scars - I've tried reassuring her several times) It got to the point where I don't enjoy the sex at all now and I literally have to force myself through it to keep her happy. I've only ejaculated 3 times this year so far.

I love her dearly and she means everything to me but I'm ashamed to admit I started having one night stands with strangers in order to fulfil my needs. I had about a dozen one night stands with different women. I know this is horrible, and I don't want to be doing that.

My problem now is I'm feeling really, really guilty. It plays on my mind every day how I've betrayed her when she is so amazing to me, and I'm not sure I can live with the guilt. At the same time I don't want to destroy her already low self confidence and emotionally ruin her by breaking her poor little heart. On the other hand, I need some sort of sex life but I don't want to upset her by telling her I'm really unhappy with our sex life. I'm so stuck I've no idea what to do and it's making me poorly - I'm on medication for anxiety as I suffer from it quite badly and it's doing me no favours. I fear if I lost her it would send my mental health awol

Please advise.

Thank you,

Former Member

Hi Blighted :wave:

Thanks for posting, I can imagine you're going through a lot recently and so I hope to offer some advice to help you get through this issue you're facing with your conscience and ultimately, your partner. You have taken a brave step by posting on The Mix and by talking about your current problem. I hope by posting it has helped to get your thoughts off your mind and I hope that we can guide you to reach a solution.

From what you have said, is it safe to assume that you still wish to be with your girlfriend? Sometimes we make mistakes and sometimes our emotions can make us do things that we regret and in your case, you felt that you needed your physical needs met because you were unhappy in this area of your relationship. You’'re only human, we all make mistakes and it's clear that you recognise that you've made them. You can’'t go back and change what has happened but you can move forward and learn from your actions.

I understand that the guilt you’'re harbouring is playing on your mind and affecting you negatively. If you wish to stay in this relationship it may be a good idea to come clean so that there are no secrets and you'’re able to move forward and work through the consequences with your partner and eliminating the guilt you're feeling. This is a decision you are in control of. Secrets can eat into us and if you'’re feeling this way now there'’s a good chance that this will continue and your mental health could deteriorate further – and we don’'t want that! Yes your girlfriend may feel betrayed, and yes this may have a negative effect on her mental health too but ask yourself is it fair to you to stay unhappy and unsatisfied? Is it fair to your partner that she doesn’'t know your concerns with the relationship?

You’'ve mentioned that your girlfriend has trouble with her self-image and esteem so perhaps this could be something you can both work through together, does she have any support? She may find talking to someone about how she’'s feeling about herself can help not only her but your relationship too. Some of her insecurities may come from her previous relationship so it'’s important to talk to her about these and reassure her.

Having open communication is the key to any successful relationship and although it will be hard to come clean and the reaction to the truth may be hard, in the long run it could be more beneficial to the both of you. Your girlfriend should be made aware of how her behaviour and feelings can influence the relationship and although by hearing that you were unhappy physically may be upsetting to her, remember that every mistake can be learned from and this could help her to realise how her insecurities are affecting you.

Now there’'s no blame being made here, and it’'s your girlfriend’'s choice to decide what she does with her body and what she'’s comfortable with but being able to communicate truthfully your feelings and concerns about the physical needs for you both is important so that you’'re both able to work together for a happier and more satisfying relationship. Maybe you could try being intimate in a different way or playing on the romance to get her in the mood. You mentioned your girlfriend has a 5 year old son, it may be worth considering that your girlfriend may be stressed and this can have a negative effect on a woman's libido, may be a relaxing bath or chilled evening together with just the two of you could help rekindle some of the passion that has been lost.

Saying this however, some relationships cannot be repaired after infidelity has been revealed and so this is something to consider, but some couples can come out stronger than before. I'd suggest that you have support from other people that could help you overcome this should you decide to tell her. Remember there are also professionals that specialise in couples therapy should you go down this route.

So, the questions you may ask yourself are: keep feeling guilty and keep your girlfriend in the dark? Or come clean and face the music with the hope to move forward and repair what has been broken?

I wish you all the best with whatever decision you make, and feel free to ask for more advice from us here.
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- Sunny :rainbow: