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No confidence in myself

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I don't know if this should come under this section cos it sorta covers a lot, but oh well!

​Okay so in this last week I had my first real attempt at being with a girl. Being a bisexual, it was kind of a strange time for me having been further with guys than with girls. I also have very low confidence in myself and tend to self-deprecate all the time because that's the only real thing that makes people laugh when I'm out and about with friends.

Anyway I pull this girl on a night out and bring her back to mine. It's the first time I've ever done this as well, as I'm not exactly the pulling type. Socially awkward bisexuals aren't renowned for their pulling prowess.

When we get back, I tell her all the things that she may need to know like my virgin status and that I'm bi. She's super understanding about it and when we get down to things, she leaves things to me so that I don't feel pressured into things. I'm fine right until I'm out of my depth and having new experiences. After that I become a disappointment and I even chickened out of sex in the end. I was just way too scared to go on.

​Since then I've just not felt like myself. I felt so bad for being a disappointment. A night later, after seeking sympathy from friends, I took the positives from the situation and was feeling okay about it. I mean it's not everyday you're the sober one of your group and you end up with a girl. This night however, has been back to square one and I feel so bad. It's like an intense feeling of loneliness and shame, even though, as many friends have said, I have nothing to be ashamed about.

I'm still talking with this girl, but I all the nice things she says I never think are true. I was a disappointment. Even though she says she wouldn't mind meeting again, I just think it is just to shut me up.

​Anyone who can talk some sense into me would be appreciated. If you want to know more about my situation, then please ask. I'm an open book and willing to give friendly details to those who can help.


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    LaineLaine Deactivated Posts: 2,762 Boards Guru
    Hey Dom :)
    first of all well done for posting this as i'm sure it must of been hard but it's important to note that you have nothing to ashamed for and many of us have experienced similar situations. practice makes perfect and you shouldn't feel bad simply because you felt out of your depth. it's important to have trust not just in the person but also in yourself in these situations. if she's still talking to you that it is likely because she thinks you're cool and still wants to meet up. don't let negative thinking take over because it's not always true x.
    if you also had some liking to her then I would suggest meeting again to see how it goes and remember that nobody is perfect. you don't have to get right first time around and we're all bound to be nervous and or make mistakes. believe in yourself more xo.

    if you have any other questions or need support always feel free to post or ask as we're all here to help in this community :)

    Best wishes :rainbow2:

    🌈Positive thoughts🌈

    "This is my family. I found it, all on my own.
    It's little, and Broken, but still good. Yeah. Still good." ~ Stitch

    "Lately, I've been struggling with all the simple things in my life" ~ Cian Ducrot

    "I don't know if it's because my heart hurts or I'm insecure" ~ Juice Wrld
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    GlennGlenn Posts: 52 Boards Initiate
    Hi Dom

    It sounds like an exciting and scary night but has left you feeling disappointed and of shame. When I read your story I heard someone being brave and taking a risk but also listening to how they were feeling and reacting to it. If I ever hear of someone being too scared to continue my advice at that moment would be not to continue, which I believe is exactly what you did.

    I'm not sure but I think you feel like you were a disappointment to her? But it also sounds like you were looking after yourself.

    How far are we supposed to go with someone new? Who decides at which point to stop and for what reason?

    How do you feel about it all now?


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    SunshineSoulSunshineSoul Posts: 57 Boards Initiate
    Hi Dom :wave:

    ​Thank you for sharing, I think it's safe to say a lot of us here on the boards have experienced a similar situation to you in the past, I know I have! We all experience a 'first time'.

    ​I understand that in these situations we can feel embarrassed and that we haven't performed to our own high expectations but just remember the girl you met knows that you haven't been with another girl before and so she will understand your reasons for being scared and she too has most likely been in your position when it was her first time.

    ​You mentioned that you felt like a disappointment, I know there can be a lot of pressure in the community but it sounds to me that this girl is still interested in getting to know you more and you certainly shouldn't feel bad about what happened after all she sounds very respectful and understanding. Your sexual performance doesn't define who you are, it doesn't mean you're a 'bad bisexual', you're exploring your sexuality and that's something new and exciting so don't think of this experience as being negative, think of it as a positive - you were open and honest about your feelings, you are still talking to this girl and you didn't follow through with something you were uncertain about just for the sake of it. The most important thing is that you're both comfortable in the situation and with each other, sex isn't black and white it's different for everyone!

    ​My first time with a girl was scary and I too felt like a disappointment afterwards but I think it's natural to feel that way because we build up how things are meant to go in our heads and usually it doesn't match up with reality because we've read or watched someone else's experiences which at the end of the day isn't OUR experience so don't compare yourself to others. However over time you become more confident and you explore different partners and that first time feels like a lifetime ago. So don't beat yourself up about it, enjoy getting to know this new girl in your life and have fun, sex doesn't always need to be so serious it's about getting to know each other in an intimate way and enjoying yourselves and each other. So if the opportunity arises again with this girl communicate with each other, do what feels natural to you and soon you'll be laughing about this experience.

    ​- Sunny :rainbow:

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