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Intimacy issues

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I'm 21 and still haven't hadone sex. It's something I am very self conscious of and embarrassed about but anytime I get close enough people always just run away.

They don't give me a chance to tell the full story. I suffer with anxiety and it especially flairs up in intimate situations and I always talk myself out of it and avoid meeting people out of embarrament.

I don't know what to do


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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Cookieshan, thanks for your post!

    Having not had sex is nothing to be ashamed about - at any age! It's common to be nervous around sex, even for experienced people.

    It can be very frustrating to be let down by anxiety during social encounters.and intimate situations. It often helps to give a partner notice about anything you may be nervous about (and vice versa) so you are both aware of what to expect. Sex should be a fun/pleasurable experience and you shouldn't be pressured into it by anyone - that includes peer pressure :)

    How are you with non=intimate social encounters?

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    BubblesGoesBooBubblesGoesBoo Posts: 3,590 Community Veteran
    I second Kaze, it's nothing to be embarrassed about! And don't feel pressured into it cause it's the 'norm', cause it isn't.. there is no age someone should have sex by, it should just come naturally with someone you care about, and they care about you. Be honest about your anxiety about it, cause loads of people have anxiety around intimacy :)
    ' So I put a bullet where I shouda put a helmet, and I crash my car cause I wanna get carried away, that's why I'm standing on the overpass screaming at myself 'hey, I wanna get better''  
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Cookieshan,

    The two posters above me are right, never feel ashamed because you haven't had sex. A lot more people than you might think haven't had sex at 21 (or older).

    It's frustrating when anxiety stops you from meeting people. Have you spoken to anyone about your anxiety? It often helps to speak to a professional.

    Perhaps taking things slow with someone might help, instead of thinking about how you might sleep with them one day in the future, think about what you might do with them tomorrow, think about the next date you might take them on and so on and slowly build yourself up to going further when you're both ready.

    Lals x
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    vidhyavidhya Deactivated Posts: 75 Budding Regular
    Hi Cookieshan,

    Thanks for writing in, even just from this thread it looks like plenty of people can relate to your situation! No one is an expert at relationships, and it’s completely normal to be nervous about meeting new people and becoming intimate. Sex is a very personal subject, and if you don’t feel like sharing those details with someone, you don’t have to. Sex can be a nerve-wracking experience even for people that have already done it. Communication is an important key in relationships and sex.

    Understanding yourself first and what causes you to be anxious, could help you in feeling more comfortable with meeting new people. How do you feel about the other relationships in your life (non-intimate)? Do you ever feel anxiety in those relationships? I know you mentioned that you sometimes talk yourself out of meeting people and sometimes fear of the unknown can be the biggest obstacle for us. Have you tried meeting new people when you were with a group? Some people find it easier to interact with other people when the focus isn’t completely on them, it allows them to still meet new people but also have the comfort of faces they recognize.

    Overall, remember that nobody is perfect at meeting new people. Unfortunately, awkward moments do happen. But you are not alone in your experiences, it’s very normal to feel anxious before meeting someone or being intimate with someone for the first time!

    -Vidhya @The Mix
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru

    This post is something that I hear a lot, people worrying about when they lose their virginities and many rushing into it, just to get it out of the way - this is definitely not the best idea! After all, virginity is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, who cares?! My advice to you would be to wait until you are sure that you're comfortable with the person, that way maybe your anxiety will ease up a little. Just make sure that you're headstrong and nobody has the ability to pressure you into anything you don't fancy.

    Don't worry, there is no age for losing your virginity - it's just a social construct.

    Hope to hear back from you soon,

    Han :heart:
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yo, just want to reassure you that there’s nothing wrong with being in the position you are. It’s nothing to be ashamed of in any way.

    I think that a lot of people around my age (19) have been influenced into having sex because “it’s cool” but not necessarily to someone they truly love. I’m a virgin, but there’s been recent times at college where I felt like it’s because no one likes me or that I’m unattractive. But remember it’s not about how quick you lose your V plate as others suggest, but instead taking time to find the right person. It could take time to overcome social anxiety to be able to cope with these situations, and it may be frustrating but once you get that figured out you’d be thanking yourself you waited it out rather than feeling more uncomfortable about it at this point.

    Anxiety is a killer in the most desirable of situations, but confidence (even fake confidence!) can always cover the cracks even at the most difficult of times!
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    PositiveAuraPositiveAura Posts: 150 Helping Hand
    Hi Cookieshan. :wave:

    ​I just want to say thanks for sharing your feelings with us and you are definitely not the only one out there. I'm completely agreeing with everyone above when I say: there is nothing to be ashamed about and what you do with your body is your own choice.

    ​So many people give in to pressure and expectations that many of us do things that we aren't comfortable with. It's very common to have regrets about when you loose your virginity or intimacy in general and it is actually very wise to wait. It's good that you are taking charge of your body and not giving in to any pressure. Sometimes this takes even more strength than just giving in because someone else wants you to.

    ​So like the others say, the best advice is to wait until you are completely ready. Intimacy and sex means different things to different people so it doesn't matter what anybody else is doing. It's what it means to you. For many of us, this is finding someone who cares for us and a relationship where we want to express that as well as making each other feel good. And if this is the case, then whoever you find should feel the same about you, understand that it is your first time and treat you right. Then, the anxiousness and self-consciousness will fade away because you will be in it together.

    ​It's also true that when the time comes you will actually be relieved that you have waited because it will be much more special to you.

    And if you feel that you need a bit of help getting to this point, well like @vidhya said:
    Understanding yourself first and what causes you to be anxious, could help you in feeling more comfortable with meeting new people.

    ​If you are anxious in situations with other people, the best thing to do here is focus on yourself at this time in your life. Finding out what makes you feel that way and what could help. Remember, you are not on your own here and social situations, intimate or not, can be very overwhelming for a lot of us.

    Meeting new people can be hard, and there can be pressure around first impressions and conversing with people too. Do you know what might be making you feel anxious?

    ​I say, there's nothing that can really go wrong when meeting new people so long as you are polite, honest and just being yourself. :)

    ​And you're already taking steps forward. You are already connecting with people here, online. That's a big step in itself and a lot of people can't open up like that.
    So perhaps you could start here, online? For example, joining groups online that you may be interested in like a hobby of yours. Personally, I joined a Vegan group which was in my community and this lead to attending a Vegan event where I met people who had a common interest. This can definitely help conversation flow.
    ​Starting with the things that you enjoy and interests you have can really help. Then whoever you meet are going to at least have something in common with you and you can strike up a conversation....you're much more likely to get on with each other too. :thumb:

    Remember to stay safe online. Here's a link to some ideas and advice about meeting friends online: http://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-relationships/friendship/make-friends-online-3323.html

    ​If you don't want to go to a specific event, you can just go to places you like or enjoy. Again this can help to just bump into people that have similar interests. For example, art lovers at art galleries, readers in the library or music lovers at gigs. And this way, try not to add any pressure on it as you can see it as just a day where you are going out to enjoy yourself, and whatever happens, happens. :)

    ​Hope some of this helps and you feel a bit more confident about the place in your life that you are in.

    ​Remember our bodies are our bodies and we can do what we like with them. Whether that's being intimate with someone or just meeting someone new. You've got the control so the main thing is being comfortable and happy in yourself, then a lot of our anxiety or worry just falls away. :)

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